I picked up the Canon 5D today… more on that later, but here is a quick (and wildly reduced in size… I could count hairs) picture of my dog Freya. (Mickey, ping me if you want a larger image, I have some others as well.)
Category Archives: Personal Life
On Everything
I actually wrote a post since the last, but it was unexpectedly lost in an absentminded reboot.
My friend Adam has his site back up. Much randomness, just as a heads up for those that used to read it. Also, the non-profit my friend Mike has been working on for the past few months now has a site up over at http://www.highlandeducationalcenter.com. Another site worth noting is The Gizmo Project, which is another VoIP/SIP netphone system that’s pretty slick. Crossplatform and a halfway decent interface for once. I’m TheNadreck or 1-747-627-6040 on it.
School is going slowly but steadily. I pounded through Raph Koster’s A Theory of Fun the other day, and really enjoyed it. I think he had some really interesting insights into the nature of game design; I also completely agree with him that the state of story writing within the games industry is by and large at the level of high school. There’s vast room to improve, but i’ll be writing more in depth about that in another post over at my other site real soon now. I’ve also been actively reading a pretty good array of design blogs, notably TerraNova, Video Game Media Watch, Greg Costikyan’s blog, and of course GamaSutra.
Something really interesting and worth reading that was recently posted over at GamaSutra was Eric Zimmerman’s A Game Developer’s Bill of Rights. Again, more insight on that soon over at Critical Games. One last school related tidbit before I move on: the author of one of the books on my bibliography dropped me a line on here a little while ago, which I think is awesome… just goes to show how interconnected the internet is, even if only through Google. Marcus, if you’re reading, I’ll definitely be talking to you later! Online social engineering and communication is a topic near and dear to my heart above and beyond this particular semester.
My relationship with Erica is going smashingly; she’s simply fabulous, and I hope things continue to grow for a long time to come. I’ve been spending most of my weekends down there with her, watching movies and just in general spending time with her. It was kind of weird not going down this past weekend, but it being Thanksgiving, she was in NY with her family anyway. One of these trips, I’ll need to actually get ahold of the family I have down in Rhode Island.
In Vermont, things are going well. We’re all pretty well settled into the house in Montpelier. Good music, good food, interesting conversations… and I heat my room entirely with my computers. Uri and I have been MUDding a fair bit on AvatarMUD, as he’s been making a push to finally Lord (8 years after he started… looks like it should be doable by before Christmas, as he’s finally big enough to really pound through the levels). It’s been interesting, because playing has gotten me back into the MUD in general, after a long hiatus as a staff member. I’ve been active and visible quite a bit, helping with basic sundry stuff (lost passwords, setting altofs, helping with corpse retrievals for linkdead characters, et cetera), and also finally finished one of the areas I started 3 years ago. I’ve also been playing some of the new classes that have gone in since I last really played, like Paladin, and Fusilier.
I still want to write my own MUD, though. That’s on the backburner until I get more programming under my belt, however, since I want to write from scratch (the point isn’t to make the same mud with different content, the point is to do something unique within the genre).
Things have started to settle into something resembling a routine at this point, so hopefully I’ll be able to get back into writing regularly again. I guess time will tell.
Alas, Gondola
This summer brought with it the loss of our favorite chinese restaurant, Panda House. It seems that the trend is continuing with the loss of our favorite deli, Gondola Deli… between increases in staffing and supplies costs, they ended up closing their doors today. It’s a real shame: they had some of the best sandwiches I’ve ever had (mmm, in-house made fresh rare roast beef piled high…), and it shoots down yet another non-chain business in the Upper Valley. My family has been going to Gondola for easily 20 years now (my dad swears longer, but that’s how far back I personally can remember), and it’s hard to imagine the area without it.
No more good chinese, and now no more good subs… where the heck are we supposed to eat now?
Up and Running
With four days to go until my school residency, we finally have an internet connection at the house in Montpelier (JUST finished getting it set up). A lot has happened since I gave a real update, so let me sum up: I’m living in Montpelier with Uri, Andy, and Kate, and will be starting my final semester this Friday. UberCon VI was a lot of fun, and I did indeed pick up a sword (it’s sweet), and ended up selling my graphics tablet (Wacom Intuos2 12×12) to Erica, who is an extremely talented artist and fantastic person in general.
In fact, she and I are now seeing each other. It was unexpected and entirely welcome. I went down to drop off her tablet, and we ended up spending the day together… While I’m aware that I’m getting into yet another long distance relationship, and with someone who is insanely busy, I really like her and we both want to see where things go. This is my first real relationship since Mickey, and I’m a little nervous that I’ll end up carrying too much baggage with me, but I’m going to do my best to simply be as open, honest, and caring as I can, and hope for the best.
Okay, if I keep talking about that, I’ll get mushy, so let’s move along. I’ve been hanging out with a lot of people lately that I haven’t seen in a while, in particular my friend Tiffany, who is a leet gamer that also writes reviews and is a contributing editor for Computer Games magazine. She’s getting me back into Final Fantasy XI (I know, I know… however, I am planning to critique the game for my study), which should be jolly good fun, in that “OMG, I’m hardlining MMOs again” sort of way. Just in general, though, I’ve shipped my game systems out from Seattle and picked up a Nintendo DS under the auspices of my study, and am aiming to try and get a press kit from Nintendo about the Revolution, so I can write about that in particular. (The DS and the Revolution are key points in how my study is formulating in my mind, more specifically how they view/affect the concepts of gameplay and interfacing with games.)
All in all, it’s starting to look like the shitty period is drawing to a close, and things are really starting to look on the up and up. I’ll try and be a bit more cogent/coherent later… still feeling a little scattered and worn out, so I’m going to go drink a couple gallons of water and go from there.
UberCon VI
Being that I’m on the east coast again, and the opportunity to attend just as an attendee, and talking it over with a friend who was also interested in going, I decided to go to UberCon. All in all, it’s been a good time. I’ve mostly just hung out and chatted with people, and by and large have been able to do what I wanted, helping where I want to help, but not being expected to do so. It’s a great way to go.
I’ve also been chatting with some of the vendors, and am going to look at some hand forged 13 folded katanas the sword vendor has with him. Very reasonably priced considering the quality, just a matter of finding one that I want. Kevin and I have come to an understanding about roles and money and everything else, which is good. I’m probably going to help out in an unofficial capacity in getting company contacts, as I’m very good at it, and have proven to have more luck doing so than just about anyone. This, however, will be at my own pace and discretion, so I’m feeling pretty good about it.
Anyway, time to head back down to the convention… just wanted to give a quick update as to what’s going on.
Seattle, Montpelier, and Me
I’m in Seattle again, this time having flown out to help Uri pack and to collect some things out of my storage unit. Every time I come out here I’m reminded why I moved out here in the first place, how appealing the feel of the place is to me. I still hate the traffic, though. Uri has shared a similar sentiment, yet he’s also moving out of Seattle… he and I are renting a house in Montpelier, Vermont, with our friends Andy and Kate. In fact, we officially moved in about a week ago.
This might seem rather abrupt to some of you… that’s because it IS abrupt. Uri has spent the past month living in Brooklyn with Andy, and while there, the idea of moving to Montpelier just sort of got tossed into the air. They looked into it briefly, and managed to find an awesome old house just off Vermont College campus, and so they decided to go for it. I found out about all this when they happened to swing through town on their way up to check it out, and ended up volunteering to go in on it, which made it financially more feasible for everyone (splitting the rent four ways is much better than splitting it in thirds). The whole thing just sort of happened all in the course of about a week and a half.
While naturally I’m a little nervous about it all, and was enjoying the free rent at my parents’ house, I think this will prove to be a beneficial move. I’ll be splitting my time (most of my time in Montpelier, a few days at my parents, playing with the dog and such — Freya is staying with them, more room to play, more stable routine), which I think will help me organize my time for my upcoming (final!) semester. Also, I’ll have broadband in Montpelier, and will be setting up my game systems, which should prove useful given the topic of my semester (game design).
I’m getting back from Seattle on Tuesday morning, and then will be heading down to UberCon VI the following weekend. I was really waffling about going or not, as I think it might be nice to catch up with some of the folks down there, and can just go to enjoy myself since I’m not attending as staff. Any help I end up offering will be entirely at my choosing (which, knowing me, will be quite a bit… that’s not the point, though), so I think it’ll be a lot more fun. The final deciding factor was that my friend Tiffany was interested in attending as well, so this gives me that last bit of an excuse. I’ve only told one or two people that I’m attending, and I don’t think any of the usual UCers read my blog with any regularity, so I’m hoping to surprise them.
I’m hoping to get back into the groove on blogging regularly, but I’m not going to hold my breath… if it happens, awesome. I think it would be good for me, though. Once I get the computers and broadband hooked up at the house, I think that process will be a bit easier. Time will tell.
Improve Thyself
I’m back home now, freshly and officially divorced. Freya is adjusting well to her new home. Maybe it’s just shellshock, but I feel pretty resolved, finally… the actual divorce (all 5 minutes of it) seemed to bring a certain amount of closure, which is appreciated. Despite all the stress and tension over the past few months, Mickey and I managed to part friends, and I wish her the best with her life.
As for me, I’m on a bit of a self-improvement kick. I’ve hung out with usual crowd the past two nights (since I got back), and I’m just not feeling like I’m fitting in, and I’m kind of ready to get into a more productive mode. Even girl watching isn’t all that appealing right now. I just want to dive into all the things I’ve wanted to do, but didn’t for various reasons. I purchased my books for the upcoming semester yesterday from Amazon, and I’m looking forward to jumping head first into the topic. I also went over to Borders today and ended up picking up O’Reilly’s Learning Java, and Killer Game Programming for Java, plus a collection of Kanji Cards and a introduction to Japanese course (book and 8 discs).
I’m looking into the possibility of auditing a programming course at Dartmouth… I need to talk to Admissions tomorrow about what the process will be to do it. I’m also looking into taking ballroom dance classes with my friend Liz. I definitely need to haul ass on these, since the Dartmouth semester starts soon and dance classes start the 22nd.
The last time I felt like this was three years ago.
In other news, the more I read about the next generation consoles, the more I want to develop for the Nintendo Revolution. Here are a few reasons why. On a related note, I’m currently working on building a backlog of essays for Critical Games, and will be reviving the site once I get a few weeks ahead (I want to post an essay a week, and want at least a month’s buffer).
Back and Forth
I’m currently in Seattle, and will be for the next few days; the court date for the divorce is Monday at 1:30pm. This is a pretty stressful time, and I’m trying to keep things low key. I’m sitting at Caffe Coccinella, drinking white velvets (it’s a white chocolate mocha latte), and in theory will be having dinner with Mickey this evening. I’m planning to head down to Portland tomorrow to hang out with Dano, and then seeing Mickey again on Sunday. Monday, we deal with the last few things we needed to deal with, and then have the court date (my car is also getting serviced, but we can drop it off anytime, and collect it after the divorce, since we’ll be down in that area anyway). Monday night is anyone’s guess, and then Tuesday I head back east.
God, I wish this was over…
The Power of Posting Compels You!
I’m not sure if folks have noticed, but despite my recent lackluster and whiny posting lately, there are several new readers, which makes me happy. As much as having friends and family post, it also feels good to know that people you don’t know are not only discovering you, but finding your work worthwhile enough to comment. It’s a bit of a warm fuzzy, and thanks for it.
This has been one hell of a summer, and I’m frankly looking forward to it being over. It started back in April with my marriage abruptly falling apart, continued on into family deaths in June and August, and has wrapped up with selling my house and needing to drive out to Seattle to finalize the divorce and collect Freya (my dog).
Things are showing the potential of shaping up, however. Maybe it’s the crisp air (my favorite time to be in New England is August into early October), but I’m finally starting to feel like my head is clearing, and I’m feeling a little less desparate for a relationship, and ready to actually focus on the things I want to do with my life. While I’m broke at the moment, we managed to sell the house for a pretty decent profit, which means that I’ll be able to pay for my final semester of school and get things back on track. And before you say it, I know that I should treat that money as capital towards another investment, not spending cash, and I intend to do that with most of it (probably putting the majority into a money market or a short term CD while I finish school).
I came to something of a revelation last night while hanging out with friends, namely to not play the game. The things that bother me I should simply ignore, rather than letting myself get dragged into the same arguments over and over. This may sound like common logic, but it really does feel different when it actually strikes you, and you realize you’re just as much at fault for escalating it as they are for doing it. I’m sort of feeling done with the area, which isn’t exactly a great feeling to have when you’re about to settle in for the winter.
My family reunion was this past weekend; I was sick for most it, and thus not really up for chatting as much as I might have liked. It was still fun though, and nice to see faces from 5 or 10 years ago. I was supposed to start driving to Seattle yesterday, but a few days prior to that, Mickey called me up and told me that we could do a power of attorney for the sale so I wouldn’t have to rush out (which was something we discussed briefly several months ago, but apparently she’d completely forgotten about until talking to her father). So instead of starting my drive and then scrambling to find a place to stay for two+ weeks out in Seattle with no money, in theory I should now be able to stay here until probably the 5th, when I need to leave in order to make it out for our court date on the 12th, and to pick up the dog. This makes things considerably easier, and holds at least the potential of receiving my share of the house settlement before I have to start driving (which would make the return trip not only easier, but possible… one semester’s tuition doesn’t go far when you’re paying for anti-depressants and therapy bills and replacing a dead computer plus day to day living expenses like gas and food).
Speaking of the trip, I randomly heard from my friend Berrian, so I may go visit her on my way out, and if she’s interested, drag her along. It’s been years since I actually saw her, so it’d definitely be an experience. In either case, I’m really looking forward to seeing her again (four years is a long time). I’m supposed to give her a call next week to figure things out.
Dobra Redux
I’m back up at Dobra, for my third time. Jasmine needed a ride up to Burlington to pick up her car, so I took it as an excuse to spend some time with my friend, and to make it back over here. The atmosphere remains relaxed and laid back, as ever. The music is ecclectic but mellow, and the entire space just makes you feel more calm and at peace.
Which I definitely needed. I wish I could bottle up that calming essence and bring it with me, because lord knows I haven’t been this collected in ages. Even on the drive up, I was frustrated and upset, despite the excellent company and conversation. I’ve been lousy at communicating lately, with everyone including myself. I still can’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling, and I’m somewhat loathe to just dive in, lest the miscommunication continues. I do think I need to try, however, so take this caveat for what it’s worth.
I have been quick to care for others, and have been criticized for this lately, that I’m trying to fill the gap left by the divorce. Well, I’ve always been quick to love, this is not anything new. Those that I take an interest in I’m taking an interest in for a reason, and despite the occasional evening where I may sound like it, that reason isn’t sex. What I’m looking for is unconditional acceptance. I want to be wanted, someone to be unabashed about their feelings. The last time I felt that, I married the girl. And now she’s moved on, and that’s the rejection that I feel, that’s the void I want to fill. I feel like the last kid picked.
I lay my heart on the table; this is who I am. I am intensely earnest about life, and that includes my emotions: regardless of whether anything is done with that information, I would rather get how I feel out in the open. I know this changes perceptions and interactions, but I would rather deal with that than hide my emotions. I realize this is probably not a common sentiment, but I feel false to not get it out there.
I bitch about how it seems like every girl who shows any interest that I’m interested in ends up having a boyfriend (I’ve begun calling it the Probabilistic Theory of Attraction: the more I’m attracted to a girl, the higher the probability of her having a boyfriend. At a certain point that probability reaches a level of certitude that a boyfriend will spontaneously come into existence). I’m not actually upset that a girl has a boyfriend, and in fact I think it’s great that they have someone and are loyal to them despite any interest they might have shown or admitted to me (yes, some of the time they do in fact admit it, it’s not like I’m being a delusional twit and thinking every girl “wants me” just because they smile at me when I say hi). I do feel a little bitter because it happens so consistently and compounds with everything else that’s been happening, and it just makes me feel like I can’t get a break. So, chill out, and let me have my rant, and keep in mind that I do in fact know it’s not as bad as all that, and any bitterness in my voice isn’t directed at the person at all.
Yes, I’m still broken. Yes, I appreciate the company and the well wishes and the support. It doesn’t stop me from feeling alone and hurt sometimes, but it does help, and I do appreciate it more than I sometimes say. I’m also aware that I’m extremely dysfunctional lately, and haven’t really accomplished much of anything. Hell, even just making appointments for a haircut and an oil change made me feel more accomplished than I had in weeks. I feel like I have to some extent wasted my summer, and despite whether or not I had “good reason,” I still wish I’d been more productive. It doesn’t help that lately every time I’ve tried studying or doing anything productive, I feel driven to distraction and unable to focus, and my head starts throbbing. Perhaps it’s my body telling me I should be working on more internal things, but that doesn’t stop me wishing otherwise.
Anyway, battery is getting low, so I guess that’s enough rambling for now. Thanks for listening and taking it all with a grain of salt.