Until I get my product back for revisions, anyway. Mailed it off to my advisor and my second reader just now.
I don’t FEEL done, though. I guess that comes after they hand me that piece of paper.
Category Archives: Personal Life
Brain Dump
It’s been a while since I just wrote for the sake of writing, and not just because I’ve been busy elsewhere (even now, I’m blowing off working on piecing together my final product for my semester, having worked on it for roughly 4 hours this evening already). Nor is it from lack of things to say: relatively speaking, I’m bursting at the seams with things I’d like to talk about, but haven’t for various reasons (some good, some bad).
Mostly it’s just because when it comes time to sit down and write, my fingers seize up, and I’m left feeling tongue tied and twisted up. Which is sort of a theme with me, I think. It, like a dozen other things, is something I should work on. Not that I know how. Without trying to stroke my own ego, I know a bit about a great many things, usually just enough to get myself into trouble (or out of it, as the case may be); there is still so much I don’t know anything about, and am stuck taking blind-ass guesses like anyone else. I always find it ironic (and somehow reassuring) that despite my feeling fucked up, people do continue to come to me seeking some insights into their own peace of mind.
By and large, I’ve taken the divorce pretty well, as most people have tended to remark or agree. That doesn’t mean I’m a superhuman or zen master or a robot, it just means I happened to stumble on a path that didn’t drive me insane. And y’know, it still hurts. I’ve processed a hell of a lot and had to adapt in ways I really didn’t want to have to, and by and large my life is going pretty damn well right now. I go to GDC next week, my semester is nearly over and it looks like i’ll be finishing on time and well, and I’m dating an absolutely amazing girl. Hell, I even still talk to my ex-wife a few times a month. Even if it felt like the end of the world at the time, things have turned out alright.
That said, in about a month, it will be my birthday. A week after that, and it will be exactly a year from when I received a phone call from Mickey that completely ripped my guts out and left me with some rather overwhelming relationship-trust issues that I’ve been damned blessed to have an understanding lady to help me work through. Overall I’ve done pretty well (heh, she’s still happy to be with me at least!), but in these weeks preceding that anniversary, I’ve been getting increasingly anxious and testy and nervous. I’m about ready to crawl out of my skin, if that’d get me away from this feeling. It doesn’t help that I have other things to stress about, so I’m stuck on this merry-go-round of anxiety:
1. Stress about school: I graduate in a month. Do I feel like I made good use of my time, and learned things that will help me in the days to come? Will my paper go over well in review? Will my presentation go alright?
2. Stress about money: several people owe me a considerable amount of money at this point, and unless they start paying me back, my ability to do what I need to do this summer will be SIGNIFICANTLY more difficult.
3. Stress about housing: I need to have found a new place to live by the end of the summer. Ideally I’d like to buy, but that takes an initial downpayment that hinges around money. Even renting, deposits are generally needed, and also how much can I realistically afford? See #2, stress about money.
4. Stress about work: if GDC goes well, I might have either a job, or (hope of hopes) the seed funding to start the studio I want. If not, what am I doing with myself? Where do I find the money to live while I work on trying again? (“McDonalds!” “Borders!” Yes, I’m aware: the question isn’t whether I can find work of some sort, the question is whether it’ll be enough to be sustainable without having to work two jobs and double shifts every day, as that’s a dead-end path on being able to move on from it.)
5. Stress about relationships: this is by far the lamest one of the five to be stressing about. Erica has not given me a SINGLE REASON to not trust her or doubt her faithfulness or care, and yet because of the baggage from previous relationships, I still have those anxious moments that she frankly doesn’t deserve to be put through.
And then I just cycle through them, even when I’m working on other things. It’s like this constantly flexing knot in the pit of my stomach, and I’m sick of it [sic]. Yet I don’t feel like i have the energy right now to force myself out of that cycle. (I’m self-aware enough to know that change ultimately comes from within, and they only way to get out of these cycles is to choose to do so. Knowing what you have to do doesn’t make DOING IT any easier, though.)
Hopefully after some of this sugars out (one way or another), I can sit down and actually do some of the things I’ve been meaning to do… like post-mortem the MUD. I started playing in May 1997; its time to give it the critical eye. And get back to some of the stories I started writing last year. And get back to photographing for myself. And get back to drawing. And Maya. And working on levels and modding games. So many things…
Phat Lewt
Ayyam-i-ha ends tonight; we celebrated last night with the ‘rents. We’re pretty chill about it all… a gift or two each, watch a movie, have some dinner. It’s good. So, in addition to the random nifty homemade stuff (my mother makes a killer zucchini relish), I got World of Warcraft from my brother (he picked up a copy too, we’re playing on Kael’Thas if anyone wants to join in), and a 60gb video iPod from my parents. This is a MORE than adequate replacement for my old 1st gen 5gb iPod that got stolen during the holidays. I’m quite happy with it, and look forward to playing with it once my packet is in later tonight.
And while we’re on the topic of gifts, my sweetheart girlfriend Erica got me an early birthday present… a Dr. Who scarf! (Anyone who watched Dr. Who during the Tom Baker years will know EXACTLY what I’m talking about…) I’m definitely looking forward to getting ahold of that (didn’t go down this weekend, as I was attending a memorial service for one of my former professors, so she told me about it via IM).
This is a bit of a nothing post, but I’m kind of alright with that.
MacBook Pro
As those who have been reading a while know, I ordered my new MacBook Pro about five minutes after they were announced, meaning I was one of the first few thousand orders. My order receipt said it would be shipped the 15th, the day they came out… and then Apple delayed all the orders while they upgraded the CPUs to the new 2.0GHz Intel Core Duo chips instead of the originally spec’d 1.83Ghz chips. The new ship date was listed as the 28th.
Then, it shipped on February 20th, with a scheduled arrival date the same as my original estimated arrival date (the 23rd). To make things even better, it ended up arriving a day early, on the 22nd! (Sometimes, it’s the little things that make us go “Woot!”)
It’s now the 24th, and I’ve had essentially two days to play with the machine, transfer files over (I don’t use the migration assistant… I like the opportunity of a new machine to re-organize my data and clear out clutter), and install my essential applications (namely: BBEdit, iWork, Photoshop CS2, and the Developer Tools).
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General Update 93.2.2b1
I’m down in Rhode Island again (this is a trend observant readers may have noticed). I’ve been spending time with Erica, and in general making rumblings about getting work done rather than actually doing it. I’m feeling alright about that, though, as it’s helping me collect my thoughts for my critique of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, viewing it as a social commentary.
Today has been a mixed bag. On the positive side, my laptop has shipped a week earlier than expected (it had been delayed due them upgrading all the systems from 1.83GHz dual core to 2.0GHz dual core), which makes me quite happy. I’ve also been upgrading various bits and bobs of software (including WordPress and Gallery), and in general doing little computery housekeeping that I’ve been slacking on.
On the negative side, I just received an email from the school’s dean, informing the student body that one of our professors just passed away from cancer. I worked with Charlotte for fully two semesters, and greatly appreciated both her humor and her insight. I strongly suspect I’ll be blowing off my other weekend plans and attending the service this Saturday; she really was a gem, and I feel like I should pay my respects.
On to other things. My friend Eli proposed to his girlfriend Pia last week, and she said yes, so congratulations to them. Also, I’m thinking of moving to Rhode Island for an interim period of about 2 years, while I get Critical Games rolling as a development company (yep, Uri and I have decided to bite the bullet and do it… I hope to speak with people at GDC both for seed funding and developers, but also for general insights into trying to put together a small, tight development team in this day and age). Why Rhode Island? It’s as good a spot as any for now, and it’s also where Erica is, so that way I’m at the very least not dividing my time quite so frenetically as I am now. It’s hardly set in stone, but basically I’m looking to buy a townhouse or condo in the area to live in until Erica finishes school, and then both of us want to go west.
Of course, time tables change, and so do locations, so it’s all still very tentative. I may end up back in the Upper Valley instead (which is at least closer to RI than Montpelier is, but that’s not saying much), or in southern New Hampshire feeding Boston. A lot will depend on what happens at GDC, in terms of accelerating or deccelerating our plans. I am fully aware that I may need to go take a job elsewhere for a while and leave this as a side project that I do in my spare time until we can afford to break free and do it full time. Again, depends on what happens at GDC.
UberCon VII
I’m at UberCon VII (yes, 7, they add up fast when you’re doing two a year), sitting in my hotel room using the wireless access. I’ve been running around all day and decided it was time for some down/quiet. (I may go down in a little bit again to see what’s going on… we’ll see.)
Barring some computer difficulties (out of 24ish rented computers, only 8 had received the correct image, which means the renting company has had to come out and correct things… BUT, that means the attendees can’t use fully two thirds of the LAN until it’s fixed), things have been pretty chill. Some friends were in a car accident on the way down from Canada, but appear to be by and large alright, and have made it down finally.
Erica gets here tomorrow morning, and I’m really looking forward to that. While it’s only been two weeks, it’s felt significantly longer since I last saw her, and I don’t know why. Regardless of that, it’ll be great to see her. I had a pleasant chat with her father, who didn’t seem all that put out that I’m seeing his daughter. I’m hoping the same will be said come Sunday, when Erica’s mother will be attending the convention as well.
I saw more Pepsi than I ever have in my life today… while I’m not officially doing anything for the convention anymore, I still tend to help out at the conventions (it’s just sort of what I do… I end up having more fun that way than trying to sit and play games), and spent a good portion of the late morning/early afternoon driving down to the Pepsi distribution center in Piscataway and back, to collect their donation to the convention (cases upon cases of pepsi, diet pepsi, mountain dew, and their new energy drink, MDX). There was easily 10 to 15 million dollars worth of pepsi product in that warehouse. Pretty impressive, especially when you consider that just covers one region’s distribution… there are warehouses like that all over the country.
On a random non-con related note: my laptop should ship this week (the 15th is what the site is listing)! Wooooo!
GDC 2006 Confirmed
I’ve just completed making arrangements to attend the Game Developer’s Conference 2006. This is not an inexpensive trip by any means… between the conference itself, airfare, and hotel fees, I am already looking at well over $3000. That said, the potential opportunities and contacts I can make while there are invaluable, so I don’t feel bad about, just… drained, financially speaking.
For those who might want to know:
I fly into San Jose on Friday, March 17th a little after 5pm. I’ll be staying at the San Jose Doubletree from then until Monday, March 27th, when I fly back east. I’ll be busy with tutorials and the conference from 10am to 6pm Monday through Friday, but my time before and after is free, and I’d love to see people.
I’m both excited and nervous as hell about this. And most things, lately.
Fortuna Est
I’m down in Rhode Island again, as I am most weekends of late… while we were getting some lunch up on Thayer St, I noticed that the Avon was playing Mirrormask tonight at midnight. We managed to inform a fair number of Erica’s friends, and we all hauled ourselves up to see it.
SO worth it. The entire audience (I’d say at least half RISD students) was enraptured by the film, which was a delight in every respect. If you can manage to catch a release of this in the theater, I HIGHLY recommend you do so (it has had a scattered and small release, so it can be a challenge to find).
Anyway, I’ll try and write more about the movie once it’s not nearly 3 AM. Just wanted to… well, gloat, really. I’m so happy I managed to actually catch this in the theaters, and will definitely be picking it up on DVD when I can.
Taking a Break from Schoolwork
I’ve been working on my preface and introduction for my final product. There is still quite a bit I’d like to do on it, but I promised my advisor I would have them ready by this weekend, so I suspect I’ll simply have to make more revisions later and plow through to finish it for now.
But first, some other news. I’m currently house sitting for my parents while they’re in Hawaii, which has proven to be a nice time for meditation, just myself and Freya. That said, I have made it out about a few times, notably to the new chinese restaurant in town, which has taken over the former Panda House location. The food is pretty decent in a similar style to Panda, and the service is acceptable though still working out the kinks of their first week (they aren’t even done hiring and training yet, which is why they haven’t formally promoted the place in the paper or anything). It’s several levels better than the other chinese in the area, at the very least, so I’m pretty satisfied, and suspect my parents will be as well when they get back from Hawaii.
A few weeks ago, my iPod was stolen out my car (no, it wasn’t immediately visible, I was parked in my parking spot in Montpelier at the time, and yes, I am going to be filing a claim). While it’s unfortunate (and moreso because they stole the car charger too, which was lent to me by my friend Dano), this has meant that I’ve begun looking at the new iPods… they’ve come a long LONG way since my first generation 5GB iPod. I’m currently eyeing the 60GB Video iPod as a (more securely handled) replacement. Now, in the process of this, I’ve also begun keeping closer tabs on the Mac rumors and heard the rumors of new Intel based laptops being announced at MacWorld San Francisco 2006. They were right.
This is damn near everything I’m looking for in a laptop. Needless to say, I’ve ordered one, literally within minutes of the Steve Jobs keynote finishing, and expect to receive it sometime in February when they ship. This is a hasty decision, but that doesn’t necessarily make it a bad one, nor poorly thought out. With that laptop, I will be able to effectively sell off THREE computers, which should nearly cover the new purchase. (The three are my 800MHz 15″ G4 Titanium Powerbook with 1gb of ram and a fresh screen, hinge, and hard drive; my Windows desktop, a Pentium 4 2.2GHz Vaio with 1gb of ram, 120gb drive, DVD RW and additional CD-ROM, Audigy 2 soundcard, and an ATI Radeon X300 [I think, need to double check]; and my nearly brand new 12″ G4 Aluminum Powerbook with 1.25GB of RAM — essentially the most recent version of the laptop prior to the Mac Book Pro — which I bought in May.) Please, if any of these interest you, make me an offer (pass the word to friends, too, please). I’m really excited about this new laptop, and have been impressed with how much of an impact it’s made on even dedicated Windows users.
Honestly, it’s the first computer to give me serious technolust since the G5 originally came out (2.5 years ago). That and the Nintendo Revolution are really the only techno-goodies that I’m actively excited about right now. While I’ll likely still pick up the Xbox 360 and the Playstation 3, that is more because gaming is my interest, not because I’m overly impressed by what they have to offer. (And even then, I’m waiting for “killer apps” out of each… for the 360, those would be Mistwalker’s Lost Odyssey, and Bungie’s Halo 3… I’ve yet to see a “must have” game for the Playstation 3 for me, though Metal Gear Solid fans certainly have something to be excited about.)
Anyway, back to schoolwork.
W.H. Auden’s Rules for Critics
1. Introduce me to authors or works of which I was hitherto unaware.
2. Convince me that I have undervalued an author or work because I had not read them carefully enough.
3. Show me relations between works of different ages and cultures which I could never have seen for myself because I do not know enough and never shall.
4. Give a “reading” of a work which increases my understanding of it.
5. Throw light upon the process of artistic “Making.”
6. Throw light upon the relation of art to life, to science, economics, ethics, religion, etc.
I originally read this in an introduction to A.D. Coleman’s Critical Focus, written by noted Magnum photographer, Bill Jay. There are a few reasons I’m posting this, not the least of which being to make it easier to search for when I’m talking about the state of criticism with people. Which is ultimately the other big reason I’m posting it: the state of criticism needs to be addressed.
I’m not sure I really want to get into all the issues right now, as it’s a substantial topic, and I have lot to say about it once I’m a bit more together. The short of it is this: recently, several new media (in particular, I’m speaking of webcomics and gaming) have been publically criticized for their lack of “journalistic rigor” and poor overall quality. While I feel some of that criticism has been crude and exaggerated, I do agree with the general sentiment that most writing in these fields has been sub-par at best, filled with buzzwords, fan bias, and self-important egoism. That said, I honestly believe that the biggest problem is that most people (both viewers and authors) don’t understand the purpose of critique. As I see it, the most effective method to improve the situation is to teach people what it is they are supposed to be doing when writing a critical review of title. W.H. Auden’s succinct rules for critics (more of guidelines, really) does an excellent job (in my opinion) of illuminating the critic’s role.