Tag Archives: travel

The Time for Pain has Passed; Now it is Time for Healing

Posted on by

Sitting around at the coffee shop in Bellevue, killing time until I need to go to the airport. The sun is out, it’s 65 degrees, a light breeze is keeping the air fresh, and the leaves on the tree outside are wafting in the wind in a general state of being alive. All in all, not a bad final day in Seattle. It was weird this morning, leaving my keys to the house and Mickey’s car on the kitchen table, and realizing — REALLY realizing — that this was most probably the last time I would be in that house. Our house, the house we bought, the house we owned, the house we lived in. I am a sentimentalist, and perhaps that is why leaving has made such an impact. In either case, it’s left a definite weird vibe this morning.

I was thinking about it all on the drive up to town to drop off the rental car. That’s where the title of this post came from. Whether or not others feel I’ve let all the angst and anguish out, I feel like it’s done, and continuing that path would simply lead to [self]destruction. The time for pain has passed; now it is time for healing. It is time to embrace my feelings, to embrace my memories — the good and the bad, and appreciate each and every moment I can for what it is: an experience unutterably unique and inextricably linked to all other moments in my, or anyone’s life.

I’ve been trying to understand the world around me, and how I fit into it, what my role in the Grand Scheme of Things™ is. I still don’t know. I know that I do not wish to be a cog. I do not want the 9 to 5 life. I don’t want the fucking suburbs. I know that if I’m going to get what I want, I need to get out of my own damn way. I have carried myself as far as introspection can go, and now it’s time to burst out of my shell and take the steps that I have been afraid to make. It is time to truly grok myself.

Last Day in Town

Posted on by

So much to say. Tomorrow evening, I get on a plane and fly back to Vermont. I am looking forward to going home, but at the same time, I’m not sure what’s really going to change beyond the location. My physical state may change, but my mental state I am less sure of. Not that my mental state is all that bad given the circumstances, so much as it is still fixated on the divorce. I’ve tried accepting, I’ve tried letting things slide, but it remains there. It’s like a splinter that you can’t get out; you just have to wait until it leaves on its own.

I moved all my files off Mickey’s computer (which had been formerly mine; we upgraded her to it when we moved out to Seattle) today, then deleted the user account. In the process, I saw things I probably shouldn’t have, and really have no one to blame but myself for looking at. It’s like a train wreck: you know you’re not going to like what you see, but you can’t bring yourself to look away. It left me feeling in a sour funk, so I went up to Bellevue, and discovered that the coffee shop was closed. The owner happened to be there, and he let me hang out for a little while, even gave me a free drink, which was very cool of him. Uri called, and then swung by, and we went to lunch, followed by Episode III (which he had not yet seen, and I’d seen once). I wouldn’t call it the best of the series, but it was CERTAINLY the best of the prequels. By far.

After the movie, I had dinner with Mickey, and I talked to her about the stuff I found, and we managed to get back to a reasonably good spot, which is definitely a nice place to be when I’m leaving the following day. The details are irrelevant, and actually relatively harmless taken in context, but it left me questioning our interaction, and how much of what she had been saying was placation, and how much was reality. Suffice it to say, we’re still talking to each other and parting friends. I wouldn’t say “best” friends, but I hope things can continue to improve over time, and as our comfort grows and pain lessens.

The plan for tomorrow is to pack up the last of my things (shaving kit, toothbrush, stuff like that), drop off the car, and then go do one last coffee. Then I get dropped off, and wait around for my red eye flight back east. Should be jolly good fun: fly out around 10:30pm, arrive in DC (Dulles) shortly before 7am, get on my next plane a little after 8am, and get into Manchester around 9:45am. All in all, that’s less than a 9 hour trip, given the time zone difference, so that’s not too bad. I plan to sleep most of the day, do dinner with the folks, and then go out and see people Tuesday evening. (Yes, that’s a hint. I’ll have been gone for 3 weeks, you can put up with my sorry ass for an evening, eh?)

This used to be a much different post. I started writing it before having dinner with Mickey, and got up to about 3 pages of writing about the details of what happened. I deleted it all and wrote what you see. Sometimes it feels like a really good idea to get it all out there, for commiseration if not validation. Then you realize who you’d hurt in the process, and think better of it. At least, I hope you do.

Holistic Imagery

Posted on by

The title of this post is drawn from a conversation I just had with Dallas, another regular here at the coffee shop. He’s working on something called Form Syntax, which is basically creating a linguistic reference for visual concepts. It’s pretty cool stuff, from what I could see — complex in concept, but the idea is a good one. It was an interesting discussion to say the least, and the best way that I was able to encapsulate the concept is to call it holistic imagery — showing the interconnectedness of form, function, and emotion within design.

Earlier in the day, I went and had lunch with Robert, which was good. We ended up going to this strange little Hawaiian place near his office, which was odd but fun. I hadn’t seen Robert in a while, so it was nice to catch up with him a bit, see what’s new. He’s apparently gotten serious with a ladyfriend, kudos to him on that, and has also picked up a new car (Penny Arcade is doing well). It’s an Audi Quattro convertible, leather interior, climate control, all the bells and whistles (yes, Penny Arcade is doing THAT well), and I was quite envious. When I finally get back into town (who knows when), he told me to look him up and we’d hang out more.

Last night, I discovered to my joy that Muppets Season 1 will be available on DVD August 9th. I have been spreading the gospel ever since. Also, they’re doing a sequel Dark Crystal, and other fun projects, and that makes me happy — it’s always nice to see Hensons doing cool things, though I must say I still miss Jim.

Yesterday was… odd. I ended up not leaving the house all day, and just sat around online, looking at movie trailers and reading comics and chatting. I was feeling pretty isolated, but unable to bring myself to change my situation to fix that. I’m ready to head home (3ish more days, I fly home on Monday, arrive Tuesday), and am mostly just killing time until then. It just feels weird to be where I am, I suppose. Mickey’s coming down tomorrow to move shelves and stuff to the garage to be craigslisted. Then comes the weekend, and we may go do something, or do some more cleaning if needs be. We’re still friends, and even marginally functional, just getting divorced is all.

Yeah, this is a bit of an amalgam post, but such is life sometimes. I’ve been thinking about what steps I want to take this summer, and I think I have a regimen that should work:

  1. Wake up
  2. Go hiking or swimming
  3. lunch
  4. study programming, game design, writing

Dinner onward is variable, depending on what friends and family are doing. But that’s the routine I’d like to get into, and I think it’s a reasonable (and simple) regimen, one that I think I can maintain. By the end of the summer, my goal is to have at least 8 books from my bibliography read and hopefully annotated, and to have a solid grounding in Objective-C and the new features in OS X 10.4, and to be in better shape than I currently am. These three goals are accomplishable and worthwhile towards my goals. Comments, concerns, anyone want to join in?

Progress is Cathartic

Posted on by

Progress is finally being made, and that feels really good. The knot in my stomach is the closest to being loosened it’s been since I got out here. What caused the release? A few things… the big one is that Mickey and I have actually gotten a lot of the things we need to do done or started, which is a big load off my shoulders. I’ve emailed the realtor we bought the house through about selling the house, called and made an appointement for a consultation with a lawyer to make sure we’re doing the paperwork right and get it to say what we want it to say. Accounts are either switched or we know what needs to happen to switch them now. As it stands, I need to finish packing (doing portable storage, the container arrives Friday), and ship out what I need/want to ship back to Vermont, and sign a piece of paper at the bank.

There are other things that are making me less stressed, too. Mickey and her father (Hi Pete!) were kind enough to rent me a car so I can get around reasonably while out here, without relying on rides. Also, Mickey has agreed to at least try and not sleep with George while we’re dealing with this. (This is bigger than some of you might realize. Some might say, “Well, the relationship is already over, what does it matter if she sleeps with someone else?” And if we weren’t trying to salvage a friendship, you’d have a point. As it stands, that gesture of at least giving it a shot means a hell of a lot to me; it shows giving my feelings about it some consideration. It’s also not like I’m saying never see the guy again, either… it’s just while I’m out here and we’re dealing with the divorce.)

Yesterday was interesting. A lot of the anger and hurt about all this that I’ve been burying for the past two months finally boiled over. I flipped out, was screaming, crying, throwing things, and as much as I hate being angry like that, it was really cathartic to finally just get it out. I scared the dog and Mickey pretty well, though I didn’t do anything to them (I do NOT get angry at people. It’s a testament to Mickey knowing me that she was scared I was going to hurt myself or put something through a wall or a window, not that I was going to hurt her.) In either case, while draining, it felt good to get it out.

Later that evening, after Mickey went up to her friend’s house (we’re still not a point where we’re comfortable sleeping in the same house), I drew a bath and sat in it while music played off my computer a room over. When I was done, I closed my eyes and hit the drain stopper with my foot, and sat there as the water drained away around me, and let my worries wash away with them.

Progress is Cathartic.

Anniversary Day

Posted on by

Diving into the morass that I want to talk about, let me start by wishing my brother-in-law a happy birthday, and my cousins Ethan and Cortney a happy anniversary. I hope you all have a wonderful day with much love and happy times, only to be surpassed in the years to come.

It’s also my anniversary. Today marks two years since Mickey and I got married, on a rainy day in May at Squam. The pictures are still in the gallery, you’re welcome to look at them if you’d like. This year, however, it is sunny and hot here in Seattle, and Mickey and I are not even going to see each other today. Mickey has a busy day planned, picking up her friend Florence this afternoon, hanging out, going to the movies, and then driving down to Portland for the weekend. I won’t see her until Monday at the earliest, it seems. Instead, I’m spending time with Uri, and we’re currently over in Bellevue at Caffe Coccinella, my “regular” coffee shop out here.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve been thinking about what I want, what I need, and what I can and cannot have. I’ve been thinking about loneliness and the nature of solitude, and where I should go next. What are my goals, my dreams, my ideals; who am I, who do I want to be, who have I been in the past?

The short answer is that I don’t know.

What I want is to be loved, admired, respected. I want to get these ideas and feelings I have out into the air where they can be seen by others, and feel that connection that I keep on looking for. To whatever extent, I need this acceptance, this validation to feel good about myself. I need physical companionship in one fashion or another, which is why solitude (an inherently meditative and introspective experience) turns into loneliness (an inherently distracting and dependent experience). I’ve had that physical companionship, and I’ve been betrayed by it, rejected by it. I don’t really know if or when it will be alright again, though I hope sooner than later. Of course, I bring it upon myself, I suppose. My nature and personality is flexible and giving, which is very easily devolved into a form of co-dependence that I don’t really need or want.

So, back to the questions. Where should I go next. I’ve heard opinions ranging from “Player” to “Priest.” Neither extreme is really a solution that I’m entirely comfortable with nor desire. Opinions on where to physically go have also ranged, from staying in New England to moving back to Seattle, to going somewhere entirely new. I’ve thought about wandering off for a while and traveling to places I have not yet been before, as well as some old favorites. I’ve thought of going on a cruise, pampering myself a bit and seeing the world, I’ve thought of kayaking through the Keys, I’ve thought of backpacking through Europe, and studying Shinto in Japan. All of which have an appeal, and none of which are things I’m able to do right now, whether for financial reasons or timing reasons, or simple, pure fear of stepping back into the world without the safety net of family and friends. I am wounded, I will not argue otherwise, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to come limping out of my cave yet.

Pardon the angst-laden symbolism.

Well, what about my goals, my dreams, my ideals. My goal is to create. My dream is to do nothing, to simply exist and live and enjoy life, and create if and as I wish, when I wish. My ideal is to Never Hurry, Festina Lente (Make Haste Slowly). It’s the central philosophy of my life, the basis for how I wish to live, even if circumstances cause me to not. I have come to the conclusion that this is not something I should compromise on, and I must find someone who lives this life as well.

As for who I am: I am a talented person who is paralyzed by fear of both failure and success. It takes a lot for me to say, and not for the reasons you might think. Who I want to be is someone who is fulfilling his potential and savoring every second of life because of that. Who I have been is a bitter person, caught up on the frustrations of being alone, being depressed, and angry at himself for not being able to connect with others.

All of which brings me no closer to an answer, which is kind of the point. I simply don’t know where to go next. I have realized that I have what my brother and friend Mike call “One-itis”, namely getting enamored with someone and deciding that THEY are “the one,” instead of simply appreciating and enjoying their company for whatever it’s worth. I am a hopeless romantic, and to quote Shakespeare, I “loved not wisely, but too well.” This has always been a problem for me, and it’s time I put a stop to it. There is nothing wrong with dating someone, or even sleeping with someone that I don’t necessarily want to spend the rest of my life with, and giving my heart so freely toward that end has done nothing but hurt me in the long run. I do not wish to become a player, but a middle ground might be nice.

Life Updates

Posted on by

It’s always difficult in deciding what to say and what to not, and balancing the desire to write with the realization that doing so would be nothing more than a screaming, ranting pile of angst over the divorce. While there might be some entertainment there, it’s really not what I want to do, nor who I want to be, so instead, some sporadic updates for a while, as I get my life in order.

Washington, DC was a lot of fun, spent hanging out with Tegan and her friend Hannah, as well as an adventurous trip to Franklin’s in Hyattsville to have dinner with Hawk, Katy, Mel, Tim, and the three of us. (The adventure being me getting us off on the wrong metro stop and hoofing it about two miles.) The trip ended with me driving back north to immediately get in line for Episode III of Star Wars, a feat I managed to pull off through the kindness of Eli and Pia, who picked me up a ticket when they found out I wouldn’t make it up in time to get one myself.

Thursday I finally got to sleep a little, and Friday I went down to Boston, in order to see Mickey in the morning. I’m not going to get into details, but suffice it to say that I was a mess by the end of it. I managed to make it back to the Upper Valley safely, and immediately went and hung out with friends, which was arguably the sanest thing I could have done.

Tonight, I’m doing coffee with Mariah, which I’m looking forward to, then probably heading down to see Tegan. This is essentially my last night in town before flying out to Seattle to start packing and initiating divorce proceedings, so I’d really like to see people before I go. (Tomorrow evening I’ll be around for dinner, then gone to Manchester to sleep in a hotel so I don’t miss my 6am flight.)

Which brings me to what’s happening next: I’ll be back in Seattle starting Wednesday, and going on indefinitely — however long it takes to get our affairs in order. It might be a week or two, might be a month. It’s going to be a stressful and painful time, and I’d appreciate any supportive contact or thoughts I can get. I’ll be spending part of the time at the house, the other part crashing on a couch at my brother’s place. Call me, email me, IM me, comment here or in the LJ, whatever works best for you, I just need the support right now and I don’t care how I get it. I hope to see you all soon.

In DC

Posted on by

I’m in Washington, DC at the moment, hanging out with Tegan and Hannah. We’re in Rossalyn, and will be around and available all day tomorrow. Current plans involve dinner at Frankin’s at 7ish tomorrow, and then probably going dancing. Anyone who is in the area is welcome to come along, just leave me a comment and I’ll try to catch up to you.

[See, not every post is pages long.]

Dobra

Posted on by

I’m sitting in a tea house in Burlington at the moment, a place called Dobra Tea. They brought us a book for a menu, and the overall atmosphere of the place is really mellow and relaxed. I’m barefoot, sitting on a cushion around a low table, a soft warm light providing just enough light to provide for reading or talking. The music is mellow and relaxed, a fusion of ethnic beats and ambient techno, “chill out” music to a fault.

I came up here with Eli, Pia, and Pia’s older sister, Tegan. It seemed like a good idea, and by and large I’d say it was. I enjoy their company, and the atmosphere here. I’ve known Tegan for perhaps a week, and hung out only perhaps three days total, but already I’m glad to know her. She’s an artist, and interested in doing character design work, and I’ve promised to help her refine her portfolio for submission. Uri and I both feel that she’s well suited to the field and would do quite well in that sort of position out in either Seattle or the Bay Area.

Mickey and I are progressing through our own ways of dealing with the situation. I very much want to find a way that we can continue to share each other’s company despite the divorce. Honesty and communication, I am convinced, are the key. Maybe I’m a freak, but despite everything that has happened, I still want her in my life. One way or another, life will be different. On a semi-related note, Peter has withdrawn his images from the gallery, so I hope you got a chance to see them while they were still up, as they were really quite exquisite. We’ll see whether I can convince him to bring them back (just because he’ll no longer be my father in law doesn’t mean that I can’t still provide a space for him to display his work. It’s worth showing).

After a pretty long and involved conversation last night, Mickey sent me an email this afternoon that made me feel really good. She wrote up the “Top 10 Reasons You Should Date Nabil”, and it really felt good to see what she liked about me. I don’t know, I suppose it’s an ego stroke, but sometimes (like after this), it’s really good to get the ego stroked. It says (to me) that even though she doesn’t want to be with me anymore as a spouse, I do have a lot going for me. Perhaps she’ll post it somewhere, or give the okay for me to, because it really is gratifying.

On New England

Posted on by

Because life is currently rather circular, I’m currently sitting in the Hopkins Center on Dartmouth campus. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat here, or near here, but suffice it to say that it was a mainstay of my high school and early college years. I’ve blogged probably 70 entries (out of 240ish) sitting on the wireless connection of this campus, and spent countless hours talking to my friends over a cup of coffee or tea, in particular chai.

Something is marginally different now, however. This is no longer where I live. I live three thousand miles away, and only come here once every six months. Time is relative, however, so the amount of time away is largely irrelevant. The difference is far more subtle: walking through town here, people generally don’t smile. If people know each other, they might smile briefly, they’ll say hello, and on some occasions stop to talk further. But by and large, everyone is solemn faced, if not grim. Now, Seattle has its fair share of depressed and grim people, but there is a generally acceptable mood in the population. We are not the most free-speaking area of the country, but even with that in mind, we’re lightyears ahead of New England Stoicism. It’s not that New England is dead, and in fact there is quite a bit of activity and growth occuring. But the general atmosphere is simply grim. I can’t think of any other word that would better describe it. It’s like they are industrious and unhappy about it, but don’t realize that they are unhappy about it.

There is the beginnings of an economic boom occuring the area, with several major stores moving into the area, and apparently there is even talk of a mall going in. Additionally and simultaneously, the counter-culture (people living alternative lifestyles, often artists or musicians) is also beginning to explode in the area, complete with a non-profit low-power radio station (WXND), and even a soon-to-open comic book institute. If after October I didn’t come back for several years, I honestly don’t think I would recognize much of anything but the basic layout of the roads (and maybe not even that, purportedly, they’re finally going to make modifications to Route 12A, to help clean up the traffic problem with the plazas).

Every time I come back to the Upper Valley, I realize more and more how done I am with the area. I enjoy seeing my friends and family, but as I become more acquainted with good coffee shops and places to hang out and good restaurants, I find myself less and less missing the area. That’s not to say I don’t miss Vermont, or Squam, or my friends, or my family. Far from it. It’s more that I’m trying to explain that the allure of the UV is really fading. Of course, if I won the lottery tomorrow, I’d probably buy some land up in the Northeast Kingdom and build a house up there. Not as a primary residence, but as a place to hole up and enjoy the world a bit more than cities really afford. I think it would make living in a city the rest of the time a lot more palatable to me, which I think Mickey would definitely appreciate.

I will give New England credit for one thing: history. In most other parts of the country, entire regions have been overtaken with housing developments and suburbs, cul de sacs, and factory fresh houses. New England has some of that, but you also get to see older architecture, and older town layouts where roads went somewhere and the housing was designed for a non-car centric style of life. It engendered a sense of community that has largely been killed through suburban planning in the rest of the country. It’s affected this area as well, but not as much, or at least more slowly. That is absolutely a good thing, and hopefully with the beginning realization of the need for communal interaction, it won’t lose any more (and maybe even improve).

We’re in Vermont

Posted on by

Four days and ~3300 miles later, we’re in Vermont. Check this spot later for updates (and believe me, there’s cause for some), but for now, we’re here, we want to see people, and I’m going to BED.

[UPDATE]
For those that have known me for a while, you’ll understand when I say that the drive itself was no big deal. 14 to 16 hours a day at an average of 75 miles per hour for four days, not really an issue. With that out of the way, let me explain the more notable points in the trip:

The first notable item was the weather. We left on Thursday morning, and as such ended up behind one front and ahead of another, in this large weather bubble of warm, sunny weather. The average temperature for the trip was probably around 70, and ended up as high as 86 degrees in Sturgis, South Dakota. Believe me, this is a hell of a lot nicer for driving across the country than a snowstorm or rain or cold temperatures. (Imagine that.)

Next item: I am now convinced that out of state drivers do in fact get targeted more by cops. I was pulled over just outside of Sturgis, SD for passing too close to the vehicle in front of me (which is bullshit, I was a good distance behind, and only got close because the truck in front of me slammed on his brakes… that’s the POINT of driving distances, is to give you time to react.) IN reality, he saw two scruffy looking guys driving along in an out of state vehicle, and pulled us over because he suspected we were carrying drugs. He had a drug sniffing dog with him, and did a circuit around the vehicle with it. After he didn’t find anything (again, those that know me should be saying “Well, duh“), he let us go with a “courtesy warning”. The next time we were pulled over was coming into White River Junction, literally 5, maybe 6 miles from home. Again, the officer saw two scruffy guys coming in at most a few miles over the speed limit (which suddenly drops at the exit from 65 to 55, and I simply let off the gas instead of hitting my brakes, something I’ve done on that exit literally over a thousand times), and pulls us over, and tries to give us shit, comments “You’re obviously not from around here.” To which Uri and I just laughed and explained that our parents’ house was 5 miles down the road. That sort of flustered him, and once again, we ended up with just a warning.

Flipping back to “good” things, we detoured through the Black Hills, and I’d just like to say that it really is amazing out there. We ended up following this dirt road up to the top of a hill and got some photo and video footage of the view. I haven’t uploaded it from the camera yet, though, so no pictures for now. The roads were remarkably well maintained, and I can totally see why Sturgis is such a Biker mecca.

Wrapping up with a sour note, the hotel we stayed at in Erie, PA sucked, hardcore. It was late, and the hotel was largely full, so we ended up getting a smoking room for $90. We got to the room, and Uri’s key didn’t work. Mine did, so no big deal. Get in, and it stinks of smoke, and since it was on the fourth floor, the windows were unopenable. It had a door to the adjoining room where the laminate panel had begun to peel away from the core of the door, but hey, not that big a deal, we don’t need to use it anyway. We woke up late because the alarm didn’t go off, but no big deal, it probably was our error. We get downstairs and scrape up the remnants of breakfast (full house, not enough food for the numbers), eat, and then I stand in line for half an hour to check out, because they only had one person on checkin/checkout (with a full house, half an hour before checkout deadline). It’s also worth noting that the person in front of me paid $66 for her room. The person in front of her paid $100 WITH three $19.95/per passes to the local waterpark. Needless to say, I’ll be formally complaining to the chain, because that’s some serious bullshit.

Other than that, it was a largely uneventful and pleasant trip.