Tag Archives: ruminations

Dobra Redux

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I’m back up at Dobra, for my third time. Jasmine needed a ride up to Burlington to pick up her car, so I took it as an excuse to spend some time with my friend, and to make it back over here. The atmosphere remains relaxed and laid back, as ever. The music is ecclectic but mellow, and the entire space just makes you feel more calm and at peace.

Which I definitely needed. I wish I could bottle up that calming essence and bring it with me, because lord knows I haven’t been this collected in ages. Even on the drive up, I was frustrated and upset, despite the excellent company and conversation. I’ve been lousy at communicating lately, with everyone including myself. I still can’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling, and I’m somewhat loathe to just dive in, lest the miscommunication continues. I do think I need to try, however, so take this caveat for what it’s worth.

I have been quick to care for others, and have been criticized for this lately, that I’m trying to fill the gap left by the divorce. Well, I’ve always been quick to love, this is not anything new. Those that I take an interest in I’m taking an interest in for a reason, and despite the occasional evening where I may sound like it, that reason isn’t sex. What I’m looking for is unconditional acceptance. I want to be wanted, someone to be unabashed about their feelings. The last time I felt that, I married the girl. And now she’s moved on, and that’s the rejection that I feel, that’s the void I want to fill. I feel like the last kid picked.

I lay my heart on the table; this is who I am. I am intensely earnest about life, and that includes my emotions: regardless of whether anything is done with that information, I would rather get how I feel out in the open. I know this changes perceptions and interactions, but I would rather deal with that than hide my emotions. I realize this is probably not a common sentiment, but I feel false to not get it out there.

I bitch about how it seems like every girl who shows any interest that I’m interested in ends up having a boyfriend (I’ve begun calling it the Probabilistic Theory of Attraction: the more I’m attracted to a girl, the higher the probability of her having a boyfriend. At a certain point that probability reaches a level of certitude that a boyfriend will spontaneously come into existence). I’m not actually upset that a girl has a boyfriend, and in fact I think it’s great that they have someone and are loyal to them despite any interest they might have shown or admitted to me (yes, some of the time they do in fact admit it, it’s not like I’m being a delusional twit and thinking every girl “wants me” just because they smile at me when I say hi). I do feel a little bitter because it happens so consistently and compounds with everything else that’s been happening, and it just makes me feel like I can’t get a break. So, chill out, and let me have my rant, and keep in mind that I do in fact know it’s not as bad as all that, and any bitterness in my voice isn’t directed at the person at all.

Yes, I’m still broken. Yes, I appreciate the company and the well wishes and the support. It doesn’t stop me from feeling alone and hurt sometimes, but it does help, and I do appreciate it more than I sometimes say. I’m also aware that I’m extremely dysfunctional lately, and haven’t really accomplished much of anything. Hell, even just making appointments for a haircut and an oil change made me feel more accomplished than I had in weeks. I feel like I have to some extent wasted my summer, and despite whether or not I had “good reason,” I still wish I’d been more productive. It doesn’t help that lately every time I’ve tried studying or doing anything productive, I feel driven to distraction and unable to focus, and my head starts throbbing. Perhaps it’s my body telling me I should be working on more internal things, but that doesn’t stop me wishing otherwise.

Anyway, battery is getting low, so I guess that’s enough rambling for now. Thanks for listening and taking it all with a grain of salt.

Less Broken

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Things are a bit better today. Mickey called (before reading my post or any sort of prompting, I should add), and we talked for a bit, which was good. I knew I was painting a bleaker picture than the reality, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was how I was feeling. So that was a good thing.

I slept in today, and ended up sleeping for around 11 hours, finally getting up around 1pm. I puttered about the house for a while, and then Mom got home with the mail, and I discovered that my application for a free subscription to Game Developer magazine had succeeded: August’s issue, including a disc containing the ATI Speakers and Presentations from GDC 2005. This really made me feel a lot better, and from there I gathered enough gumption to actually call and make appointments for hair cuts and oil changes, both of which I’d been putting off for quite some time. Being productive is a good feeling, even if it’s little things. And frankly, getting those two things accomplished made me feel more productive and functional than I’ve been in two weeks.

I helped Dad bring the futon downstairs and set up in the living room, and then went to lunch with Mike and April, got coffee, and then wandered over to Collis, where I’ve been hanging out the rest of the evening. It’s been a very quiet evening, which I kind of appreciate. JJ swung by for a little bit, as did Jasmine. Caroline came by and hung out/studied, which was nice (I haven’t mentioned her before because I haven’t known her that long or very well… something I would like to correct). Jasmine swung by again after her Aikido class, and that brings me to the present moment, where I’m sitting by myself in front of Collis on Dartmouth Campus in Hanover, New Hampshire, in the United States of America, North American Continent, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way Galaxy, Greater Magellanic Cluster, somewhere adrift in the Universe.

So, yeah, I’m doing a bit better today. The general consensus is that I need to get back into therapy. They’re probably right… but I doubt it’ll happen until I get back in September. I suppose I could go for a session or two before needing to drive west, though… we’ll see.

Streetlight Glow

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Life can be frustrating at times. At the moment, I’m worn out from a long weekend and sitting in Hanover, playing with my new iSight, a largely frivolous geek toy that I purchased at the same time as my Photoshop upgrade and speakers. I don’t really have any need for it for video conferencing, other than for the “new” factor of it. I can pick up software to make it function as a DV camcorder, which I’m strongly thinking about (Boinx iVeZeen), as it would make it at least slightly less of a symbol of geek lust.

On Friday night, I ended up sitting in Hanover until 4am, then crashing at Mariah’s house. In the morning, I met up with JJ and Mike in Hanover, had lunch with Tegan, and then went south to Hampton Beach. I’d neglected to pack shorts, so I hung out on the beach and dug holes, while Mike and JJ went swimming in the surf. After that, we wandered up and down the boardwalk. This was appealing to the eyes, but not so much to the intellect… attempts to strike up conversation weren’t met with disgust, rather simply blank, non-comprehending stares. It made me actually somewhat appreciate the snobbery of Hanover, where you at least have a higher chance at a conversation (assuming you can get them to talk to you). We rolled back into town around 2am, and called it a night.

It’s currently humid as hell, and I’m desperately hoping that the storms forecast actually show up; even if the humidity doesn’t drop, the wind and rain would be great, and even better if they turn out to be truly raucous thunderstorms. I’m sitting on my own, mostly because I’ve not made any effort to contact anyone to hang out (well, not entirely true: I did email Jasmine and let her know I was at Collis, but that is entirely variable on when she’ll actually get it, let alone have the time or desire to swing by). This is fine: sometimes it’s nice to just sit back and be alone. Especially after being around people for so long.

I’ll close with this minor epiphany: it’s extremely easy to be misunderstood when you not sure yourself. Which pretty much sums up my feelings right now, about relationships and emotions and thoughts. It seems like any time I make the effort to be decisive and state what I want, it’s spun around and thrown in limbo. I suppose this is my fault, self-sabotaging myself through who I become interested in, but it does get old being double guessed on my own mental and emotional readiness. As Othello stated, “Judge me as I am, nothing extentuate”. Translation into modern parlance: Don’t assume you know what’s going on in my head. As has been obviated in the past, I’m not exactly “most people.”

Faux Intellectualism

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We signed contracts yesterday, agreements to sell our house. It’s kind of weird, but hasn’t really impacted me as much as those around me expected it to. I’ve already said my goodbyes to the house, so this simply is what it is: another nail in the coffin of our marriage, but really, the lid was already secured well before now. Instead, I’m just trying to look to the future, what to do with my share of the proceeds from the sale of the house — my current idea involves buying some land in northern Vermont. I’ve found some acreage within my price range, just need to get it perk tested to see if it’s a worthwhile purchase (I’d hate to dump money into a property and then not be able to do anything with it). What I do after that is entirely up in the air. My first priority is to finish my final semester and get my degree. Beyond that, I have some ideas, but nothing I’m willing to commit to. As to why I’m not willing to commit, it’s a lot of reasons, often contradicting each other. As much as I want to move on and “feel” ready to, I still end up catching myself say “my wife Mickey” and realize that I’m probably not. I’m frustrated and tired of being in limbo, but when it comes time to do, my mind fades into bleary dissonance. I guess it all comes down to wanting to believe that I’m functional, and then discovering that I’m still not.

The title of this post is “faux intellectualism,” and there’s a reason. It’s how I feel sometimes, when I sit and write. Sometimes I feel like I’m being an elitist or getting in the way of communication for the sake of a false sense of eloquence. This is something I do out of habit: my own favorite posts are those where I feel like there is a strong voice in the writing, which is sort of antithetical to the notion of literary or intellectual snobbery. It’s something I resort to when I’m tired, feeling tapped, trapped, apathetic, and pathetic. Which is definitely how I feel right now. I’m very frustrated with my life, my attention being stretched in many directions, none of which where I want to. Here’s what I want right now: I want to be myself, at my own pace, working at my own schedule, living at my own schedule, balancing friends and studies. I want to have the option to be around people and the option to NOT. If I’m going to be thrust back into the role of being single, I’d like to actually have the benefits that come with it, you know?

Uri’s been in town for the past 10 days… he flies out bright and early tomorrow morning. It’s been great having him here, even if for unfortunate circumstances. I’m sure he’s looking forward to getting home and sleeping in a real bed — he’s been crashing on an air mattress and sharing a room with me. We’ve spent nearly every evening out in Hanover, talking to people at Collis, which has been fantastic. The general group has been Uri, Mike, Jasmine, and myself, with Eli and JJ both also making regular appearances. This evening, we had quite the passle of people: Adam H, Ann, Eli, Pia, Tegan, Adam P, Matt, JJ, Jasmine, Mike, Uri, and myself… we completely filled two tables in front of Collis, and made use of a power strip Eli has begun bringing with him to power everyone’s laptops. We also tossed around the idea of getting together a laptop lan party out here in August when Uri rolls back into town.

There’s a lot that I need to think about, a lot of feelings to sort out, and many decisions to be made. I’m left wondering when this will happen… I hope soon. I am scattered to the winds, and now it’s time to re-collect myself. I had a conversation with Jasmine this evening about what makes me happy, and the results of that conversation leave me wanting to get back to it.

Accordian Music

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I’m sitting in Hanover again, with Uri and Mike this time. Uri flew east yesterday for our grandparents’ funeral, so he’s around for the next ten days. He brought his laptop this time, so we’re both getting some writing done, sitting at Collis. On Uri’s computer, iTunes is playing Below the Salt, a band we saw out in Seattle. It’s interesting stuff, a strange combination of jazz and hillbilly; laid back with a simple groove, a mishmash of upright bass, accordian, and musical saw. Totally worth looking into, assuming you can find it.

I’ve discovered that lately I have a strong aversion to hanging out with groups of people. More than two or three people and I simply lose interest in the situation, and want to go elsewhere. It’s like the more people around, the more I become exponentially more anti-social. I’m just more interested in actual dialogue right now, which is more likely in a one on one situation than it is in a group dynamic. I want to talk to people about what they are passionate about, what they care about, what they think about. I simply can’t bring myself to care about the inane little bullshit like what Buffy was wearing at the Yacht Club last week or how drunk you got last night. If you can’t make it to relate to your enlightenment, why are you talking about it? What does it bring to the table that makes it unique from the thousands of other stories exactly like it? We don’t like “reruns” in our entertainment, why should we have to accept it in our conversation?

Over the weekend, I spent some time with Mariah, leading up to her departure for Option. That was fantastic — she and I talked a lot about what was going on, and just in general had a really great time together. That lead really well into Sunday, when Mike and I were hanging out in Hanover, and randomly started talking to someone walking by. It turns out that her name is Jasmine, and she’s a graduate student at Dartmouth, studying organic electrochemistry. Let me just say that I think she’s awesome. I’m very glad to have met her, and look forward to spending more time with her in the not too distant future. She lives life passionately and genuinely, and it’s a breath of fresh air that I really value.

The house in theory is going on the market today. Mickey has been stressed about it, and I feel kind of bad about not being around to help with preparations, to spread the stress across an extra set of shoulders so to speak, but there is really very little I can do from here beyond lending an ear. I hope she knows that she is welcome to call and vent any time she needs to. I don’t really have anything else I can offer.

Thursday, UPS is finally sending an inspector to check out the monitors that were damaged in the move. For the record, from the date they called to confirm that I needed an on-site inspection (“Someone will call you in the next 24 hours to set up an appointment”), it was fully a week and a half until they called to set up an appointment, which was nearly a full week after that. I am very frustrated with this process, and if they try to dick me around on recompense over my damaged, insured items, I have absolutely no qualms filing a complaint with the BBB. I’m sincerely hoping that it won’t come to that, though.

Stacking Saucers 1

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It’s currently 75 degrees and raining large, heavy droplets here in Hanover. I’ve spent a fair amount of time the past few days hanging out here, doing a lot of thinking, and a fair bit of talking along with it. It may not all be coagulated enough to put down in written form, but I’m going to give it a shot, because it’s an important subject. Of course, the subject itself is somewhat amorphous, multifaceted, and subject to interpretation. You could call it living an authentic or genuine life, but I prefer calling it living a passionate life.

As some are aware, I define being a geek as being genuinely interested and engaged by a subject. Theater Geeks, Movie Geeks, Anime Geeks, Book Geeks, these are all valid descriptions, but likewise there are Sports Geeks, Fashion Geeks, Social Geeks (not an oxymoron!), and these are just as valid, though we generally give them other names, like “jock”, “fashion maven”, and “socialite”. It all comes down to the same thing, however: being passionate about a subject and having it interest you so much that you learn all you can about it. It becomes a part of your life. You grok your passion.

Everyone has something that they are passionate about. It can vary wildly, and can even be unexpected to those around you. I’ve met people who are fascinated by the process of sewage treatment and water purification in the same way that I might talk about games. You never know what people are passionate about, and that act of wondering is a way that we can connect with others. A case in point; yesterday, I got to rambling about this topic in front of Collis, and randomly asked the girls at a table nearby what they were passionate about. Once they decided I wasn’t a nut-job (or at least a harmless one), the results were quite fascinating. These were people I’d never spoken with before, and yet when asked to talk about their passions, their eyes lit up and the conversation became animated. That passion for a subject is infectious, it becomes interesting to those around you whether they themselves share that passion or not. This is the power of passion.

That’s all pretty straightforward. Where I get all ranty and foaming at the mouth is the question of what we do with those passions. How many people are we surrounded by who are enthralled by a subject or topic or medium, but is never willing to take the step outside the safety net to actually pursue that as a profession? We go to college because that’s what we’re supposed to do. We get jobs that we hate because that’s what we’re supposed to do. Our passions are naysayed as too difficult, unattainable, unlivable, not just by those around us, but by ourselves, because we’re so afraid of stretching ourselves outside of complacency. For the most of us, the annoyance of living in the box is outweighed by the pain and fear of breaking out, and being who we want to be. If you have a passion for writing, be a writer. Write every damn day. Read other writing, read about writing, write stories, your thoughts, how your day went, that dream you had, a story, a poem, write about writing, write about reading. Live it, breathe it, embrace your passion, and it will embrace you. If you’re worried about it not being good enough or that it’s hard, or that there isn’t enough time in the day or that you want to watch your favorite television show or you want to go to that party, then ask yourself why you’re worried, and DO something about it. Afraid of the quality? WRITE MORE. Want to watch that show? Write about it, make it a project. It’s not just writing, either, it’s ANY passion. If you want to make art, bleed ink and paint. Don’t relegate it to a wistful sigh and a hobby, MAKE ART. If you aren’t pursuing your passions, then you deserve any unhappiness you receive.

If you think that’s unfair, then I have to ask what you’re so afraid of that you would deny your passion, your potential for the delusion of safety. That’s not contentment, and it’s certainly not happiness; it’s complacency. It is one thing to let that which does not matter slide. This is not such a case, however. It matters. It’s your passion, it’s your interest, it’s a part of your LIFE, and to deny it, to relegate it to the sidelines is denying a part of yourself. I do not see how that could be driven by anything but fear, or some form of self-destruction. Complacency is the antithesis of passion. Care to see what complacency and fear do? Here’s a social experiment for you to do: sit on a bench on a street and look at people. Look them in the eye, and see the reactions. It doesn’t matter if you’re well dressed or in rags, angry looking or with a smile on your face, nine times out of ten, the other individual will look away. Some can be explained away by conversations or other distractions, but that sort of ratio is simply too large to argue away. (For the record, out of roughly 100 people I tried this with last night, only 3 actually acknowledged the eye contact, all others looked away. Your mileage may vary.)

What drives that sort of behavior, that shrinking away from the possibility of contact or acknowledgment? My belief is that we shrink away from contact because we are afraid of having our world view shaken, of being stretched beyond the bounds of whatever box we’ve chosen for ourselves. To communicate with others inherently holds the potential of being challenged, and that scares people. We mitigate this as much as we can by surrounding ourselves with the like-minded, in classes, conferences, workplaces, social gatherings. How often do we just stop and ask someone on the street how they’re doing, what they’re interested in? Why not? Are we afraid that we might be judged? Why does it matter if we are? It’s just someone on the street, there is no illusory status lost from a conversation not panning out. It is, at worst, a missed chance at enrichment and engagement. You have not LOST anything. Those who talk to strangers live the fullest lives.

Daylit Moon

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The weather has finally begun to warm back up from the past week of rain and lower temperatures. The wind is calm, and the sun is setting here in Hanover, and I can see the warm evening light illuminating the building across the street from here. Above that building, the moon sits against a bright blue sky, one edge fading out — not yet full, but nearly so. The streets are busy with cars, alumni departing after reunion weekend, and the sidewalks have quieted into their summer slumber, the occasional sleepy stroller meandering from one destination to the next without the purpose and quickstep of the mid-semester streets.

I like it at this time of day, this time of year. It’s quiet and calm and drenched with life all around, muting what little traffic there is. I can hear the birds quieting for the night, singing goodnight to each other in the trees. The Green is emerald, verdant from the recent rains, crossed by sandy pebbled paths creating a patchwork of shapes and contrasts for the eye in the dwindling light.

Does this truly need any context to be placed? Is this not worthwhile on its own, sans personal reflection? Not all moments must be marred by the memories of times past. It need not be spoken to be made apparent. Nor, sometimes, should it.

Sometime Again

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Looking around at various “aboriginal” cultures, I’ve noticed something: very few place much emphasis on goodbye, and some don’t even have a word for it. I remember reading in Glory Road (Heinlein), about a tribe the character visits up in Alaska, above the Arctic circle, and that the closest they came to goodbye was “sometime again.” In Hawaiian, hello and goodbye is the same word, “Aloha”.

There’s something to that, I think, something really worthwhile. Our culture is so afraid of letting go, of saying goodbye, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s because the concept of goodbye is artificial, something that has grown out of a culture of possession. We say goodbye because we’re giving up the possession of someone’s time or presence. “Goodbye” is separation, it is permanence, it is loss. It completely misses the point that all things are connected, and that nothing, not even death if we’re to believe in an afterlife, is truly gone. It is simply somewhere else, and all things will reconnect in time.

The saying goes that if you stand in one place, the world will pass before you. I think it’s true, in one fashion or another. With the 7 billion people living on this planet parade in front of you? No, and that’s not to mention the animals and plants and assorted life that exists out there, either. It is a matter of interconnectedness, the holism of life, and that ultimately everything will come back around.

I don’t know why exactly I decided to write about all this. I’ve been thinking about it, thinking about the process of saying goodbye to my life as it was, and realizing that my life is still there, it’s just different. Where I go and what I do is still up to me, now more than ever. So why say goodbye? Regardless of whether it is the same, or even similar, that which matters will come back around. Instead of goodbye, “Sometime Again.”

Anniversary Day

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Diving into the morass that I want to talk about, let me start by wishing my brother-in-law a happy birthday, and my cousins Ethan and Cortney a happy anniversary. I hope you all have a wonderful day with much love and happy times, only to be surpassed in the years to come.

It’s also my anniversary. Today marks two years since Mickey and I got married, on a rainy day in May at Squam. The pictures are still in the gallery, you’re welcome to look at them if you’d like. This year, however, it is sunny and hot here in Seattle, and Mickey and I are not even going to see each other today. Mickey has a busy day planned, picking up her friend Florence this afternoon, hanging out, going to the movies, and then driving down to Portland for the weekend. I won’t see her until Monday at the earliest, it seems. Instead, I’m spending time with Uri, and we’re currently over in Bellevue at Caffe Coccinella, my “regular” coffee shop out here.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve been thinking about what I want, what I need, and what I can and cannot have. I’ve been thinking about loneliness and the nature of solitude, and where I should go next. What are my goals, my dreams, my ideals; who am I, who do I want to be, who have I been in the past?

The short answer is that I don’t know.

What I want is to be loved, admired, respected. I want to get these ideas and feelings I have out into the air where they can be seen by others, and feel that connection that I keep on looking for. To whatever extent, I need this acceptance, this validation to feel good about myself. I need physical companionship in one fashion or another, which is why solitude (an inherently meditative and introspective experience) turns into loneliness (an inherently distracting and dependent experience). I’ve had that physical companionship, and I’ve been betrayed by it, rejected by it. I don’t really know if or when it will be alright again, though I hope sooner than later. Of course, I bring it upon myself, I suppose. My nature and personality is flexible and giving, which is very easily devolved into a form of co-dependence that I don’t really need or want.

So, back to the questions. Where should I go next. I’ve heard opinions ranging from “Player” to “Priest.” Neither extreme is really a solution that I’m entirely comfortable with nor desire. Opinions on where to physically go have also ranged, from staying in New England to moving back to Seattle, to going somewhere entirely new. I’ve thought about wandering off for a while and traveling to places I have not yet been before, as well as some old favorites. I’ve thought of going on a cruise, pampering myself a bit and seeing the world, I’ve thought of kayaking through the Keys, I’ve thought of backpacking through Europe, and studying Shinto in Japan. All of which have an appeal, and none of which are things I’m able to do right now, whether for financial reasons or timing reasons, or simple, pure fear of stepping back into the world without the safety net of family and friends. I am wounded, I will not argue otherwise, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to come limping out of my cave yet.

Pardon the angst-laden symbolism.

Well, what about my goals, my dreams, my ideals. My goal is to create. My dream is to do nothing, to simply exist and live and enjoy life, and create if and as I wish, when I wish. My ideal is to Never Hurry, Festina Lente (Make Haste Slowly). It’s the central philosophy of my life, the basis for how I wish to live, even if circumstances cause me to not. I have come to the conclusion that this is not something I should compromise on, and I must find someone who lives this life as well.

As for who I am: I am a talented person who is paralyzed by fear of both failure and success. It takes a lot for me to say, and not for the reasons you might think. Who I want to be is someone who is fulfilling his potential and savoring every second of life because of that. Who I have been is a bitter person, caught up on the frustrations of being alone, being depressed, and angry at himself for not being able to connect with others.

All of which brings me no closer to an answer, which is kind of the point. I simply don’t know where to go next. I have realized that I have what my brother and friend Mike call “One-itis”, namely getting enamored with someone and deciding that THEY are “the one,” instead of simply appreciating and enjoying their company for whatever it’s worth. I am a hopeless romantic, and to quote Shakespeare, I “loved not wisely, but too well.” This has always been a problem for me, and it’s time I put a stop to it. There is nothing wrong with dating someone, or even sleeping with someone that I don’t necessarily want to spend the rest of my life with, and giving my heart so freely toward that end has done nothing but hurt me in the long run. I do not wish to become a player, but a middle ground might be nice.

Dobra

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I’m sitting in a tea house in Burlington at the moment, a place called Dobra Tea. They brought us a book for a menu, and the overall atmosphere of the place is really mellow and relaxed. I’m barefoot, sitting on a cushion around a low table, a soft warm light providing just enough light to provide for reading or talking. The music is mellow and relaxed, a fusion of ethnic beats and ambient techno, “chill out” music to a fault.

I came up here with Eli, Pia, and Pia’s older sister, Tegan. It seemed like a good idea, and by and large I’d say it was. I enjoy their company, and the atmosphere here. I’ve known Tegan for perhaps a week, and hung out only perhaps three days total, but already I’m glad to know her. She’s an artist, and interested in doing character design work, and I’ve promised to help her refine her portfolio for submission. Uri and I both feel that she’s well suited to the field and would do quite well in that sort of position out in either Seattle or the Bay Area.

Mickey and I are progressing through our own ways of dealing with the situation. I very much want to find a way that we can continue to share each other’s company despite the divorce. Honesty and communication, I am convinced, are the key. Maybe I’m a freak, but despite everything that has happened, I still want her in my life. One way or another, life will be different. On a semi-related note, Peter has withdrawn his images from the gallery, so I hope you got a chance to see them while they were still up, as they were really quite exquisite. We’ll see whether I can convince him to bring them back (just because he’ll no longer be my father in law doesn’t mean that I can’t still provide a space for him to display his work. It’s worth showing).

After a pretty long and involved conversation last night, Mickey sent me an email this afternoon that made me feel really good. She wrote up the “Top 10 Reasons You Should Date Nabil”, and it really felt good to see what she liked about me. I don’t know, I suppose it’s an ego stroke, but sometimes (like after this), it’s really good to get the ego stroked. It says (to me) that even though she doesn’t want to be with me anymore as a spouse, I do have a lot going for me. Perhaps she’ll post it somewhere, or give the okay for me to, because it really is gratifying.