Tag Archives: ruminations

Announcements and General Updates

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First off: i’d like to announce my new “learning programming” blog, Critical Code. I’d also like to announce that I’ve migrated to a shared user table across my three blogs (Critical Games, Critical Code, and this blog), so if you have an account on one blog, you have an account on them all (there might be a temporary delay while user privileges transfer, but they’re all there). So please, by all means, comment! Kibbutz! Let me know my meager site traffic isn’t just bots! (For those playing the RSS game, I also have tentative plans to make a unified RSS feed that combines posts and comments for those that want such a thing, like me. I wish there was a way to send comments left on the Livejournal feed to the actual blog, but there doesn’t appear to be a way. I will reiterate, though: it’s best to leave a comment on the blog, not the LJ feed — the feed was created by a friend of mine, not me, and as such I don’t get notified of comments on there… also, they disappear as the posts drop off the feed.)

That’s it for announcements for now. As far as general updates, I’m doing alright. I’m skirting the very hairy edge of being broke, but I’m trying to stay optimistic that I’ll find some sort of employment before I hit that line. It’s stressing me the hell out, though, in a way that being broke in the past did not: previously when I was in these sorts of situations, I either had work lined up for the near future, or a new semester (and subsequent education stipend) coming up. Right now I have neither, and it’s nervous-making. I’ll simply need to continue to send out resumes and hope for the best (any suggested leads would be appreciated, and YES, I’m willing to relocate damn near anywhere including out of the country).

I have a lot of things to say, but I don’t really know where to begin. I’ve been incredibly frustrated nearly the entire time I’ve been living in Montpelier, and am frankly looking forward to moving out of here, even if it means temporarily moving back in with my parents. It has been extremely hard to spark any sort of motivation to DO anything, let alone retain that motivation. (To make something perfectly clear, I don’t blame my roommates for that. For lack of a better way to describe it, the vibe of the house and I simply don’t seem to get along — I’ve felt like an interloper from day one.) I’ve been really distracted, tired, and in a brain fog for most of my time here, and have consistently had to LEAVE the premises to get any work done (like my schoolwork during the semester). This is arguably the least productive or capable of being productive that I’ve felt, ever, and that’s a really disheartening feeling to have when I more than anything need to start DOING.

So, little steps. Here is my goal, please poke me to stick to it: at least one new post in each blog each week. That’s three posts a week: one personal/creative, one professional/design/gaming related, one programming. It’s worth noting that at least two of those need at least a little forethought or additional work, so just whipping something up half-assedly 15 minutes before the end of the week really is out of the question. Here’s to resolutions and goals: may these last and blossom!

Endeavors of Best Intent

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As I’m sure many of you are aware, I have a love-hate relationship with programming. Namely, I love the idea of being able to put together custom solutions to my problems, or (dare I say it) write my own games, but I find that actual process of learning to program simply drives me bonkers, and falls through my brain like water through a sieve. Every few months or so, I go through my increasingly large collection of technical and programming books, and take another stab at learning a programming language. “This time, it’ll be different. This time, it’ll stick!”

Only it doesn’t. I took Logo in 4th and 5th grade (even went to a summer camp for it), TrueBASIC my freshman year of high school, Introduction to Object Oriented Programming using C++ my sophomore year, PASCAL my junior year, and then a course in Visual BASIC at a community college after graduating high school. And that’s just formal courses. I’ve got piles of books on learning C, Objective C, Java, even PHP that I’ve either slogged through or started to, and virtually none of the practicum has stuck.

There is a rhyme to this rant, however. It comes down to learning styles. Different people learn in different ways, and some ways are simply more effective than others. Now, in my experience, the most effective method I’ve found for retaining new information is through synthesis and participation, and that’s simply not happening in rote situations like books and most of the programming classes I’ve taken. So, my idea is this:

I’m going to blog the whole damn thing. As I go through the books and exercises and programming attempts, I’m going to write about it and post it here, in a new “Code” category on the blog. It will help me think about and restate the things I’m trying to learn, as well as hopefully serving as a helpful resource for others trying to learn. I’m hoping to start this task on Monday, as that will give me a few days to get things set up on the site and otherwise (I’m installing Xcode 2.3 as we speak). My focus (unless one of you convince me otherwise) is on learning Objective-C, so if anyone has any suggestions on books, sites, articles, et cetera, please post them here or IM me. Also, those of you out there who are gurus on the subject, if you’re willing to help me through pitfalls I might run into, it would definitely be appreciated.

For reference, the books I plan to use/reference:
Programming in Objective-C by Stephen Kochan
Cocoa Programming for Mac OS X by Aaron Hillegass
Core Mac OS X and Unix Programming by Mark Dalrymple and Aaron Hillegass
The Mac Xcode 2 Book by Michael Cohen and Dennis Cohen

The Moment

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I’ve been trying to write this post all morning, to no avail. I tend to get two or three paragraphs in, and then scrap the lot in the hopes of making something at least slightly more approachable. While there is certainly merit in grandiose, elaborate posts under the right circumstances, it would really defeat the point of this post, which is largely to try and describe something about me that I really want people to understand (and, hopefully, appreciate). Some people live for their kids, or their work, or the sports game, or partying, or books, or any of these things. It’s their passion, what they geek out about, it’s an essential part of who they are.

My passion is the moments. Let me explain: while I geek out about a great many things, like anime, science fiction, games, and various dribs and drabs of technology, the oft-unspoken core principle behind all of it, is the usually brief periods of harmony and deeper connection between myself, the object, and the larger world. I don’t really follow cars all that much, but I can sit and connect with a driving afficionado when talking about that perfect road, where the car handles exactly as you intend, and you get that moment of exhiliration as the world scrolls by outside the vehicle. It’s the moment that I’m geeking out about. I believe that it’s not the experience that causes us to feel a connection, but the act of experiencing it, the process of being in and sharing a particular moment of time, and being aware of that allows us to find ways of connecting to anyone we wish to.

My favorite movies and games and books and music are filled with moments, whether captured intentionally or unintentionally, moments that epitomize a raw emotional response that you are then encouraged to share. Which I think is kind of the point: the sharing of the moment is more important than the moment itself. It is being able to glance over and know that someone you care about is sharing that moment and at least in some incomplete sense, understands. Maybe it’s imagined and they see that beautiful moment and instead notice the buzzing traffic and are annoyed by a mosquito bite, and feel not one whit of harmony. But the perception of understanding is there, and in a lot of ways, that’s just as important.

I’ve come to really value the friends I’ve made through Erica; her friends have welcomed me into their circle in a real and genuine way, and it really means a lot to me. More, perhaps, than I think they probably realize. To have that feeling of connection and kindred spirits is incredibly important, and so hard to pin down and distill into something that can be understood or explicitly encouraged. Suffice it to say that in a period of my life where I have felt overwhelmingly disconnected from my past, it has been heartening to find a connection in my present and potentially my future.

What the Plate Looks Like

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My plate is currently a large, colorful, plastic plate that is square with rounded corners and a raised edge. It’s the rim that gets me. I wouldn’t mind letting some of the things on my plate slough off, but that’s hard to do, since it’d involve tipping the plate and running the risk of losing the whole kit and kaboodle. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad, though, since Life is always quite generous about refilling your plate, sometimes faster than you can eat it. Still, some of the things on my plate are quite delicious, and I’d hate to lose them. Honestly, I’d say what I really need to do is start diving in, rather than sitting here overwhelmed by the amount in front of me.

I’m of course talking about the metaphorical “plate” that describes the things we have going on or needing to do.

The job search has begun, though not with any marked or specific direction. I’m looking primarily for jobs in the New England area since I’d rather not end up further away from my girlfriend, since she has two more years of school. That said, I’m hardly in a position to be picky — while I’m not going to move to California for a job at McDonalds, if a job within the gaming industry presents itself, I’ll go where the work is. Still, with 50ish game companies in the greater Boston area, I don’t think I’m limiting my chances of getting a job in my industry of choice that much. (That’s to say nothing of other tech related companies, as well as colleges and universities.) The biggest hurdle, honestly, is writing cover letters for each position. While a resume can be fairly straightforward and identical/similar across jobs, cover letters are meant to show a bit more of the person, and why I’d be a good fit. I hate talking about myself (notice the lack of updates on here?), especially when I’m essentially trying to sell myself. Still, it must be done.

In the next month or so, I need to make arrangements to transport my storage unit from Seattle out here… which means I need to have some idea of where I’m going. This is going to cost money, more than I really have to spend right now (which is none to speak of), but there’s the simple reality, and frankly it’ll be nice to have all my stuff in one place again. Ideally, I’d like to get an apartment by myself (the idea of buying a condo or house is still very appealing, but there is no way in hell people are going to pay me back in a reasonable enough timeframe to do so), and again ideally, somewhere within walking distance for Erica (which means Providence, which means likely commuting to Boston for work… I’ve done that leg enough times at this point to not feel horrible about that, though). Now, the interesting thing is that due to how rent was paid earlier in the lease, my rent is paid through July, at which point I’d damn well better have a job (and realistically sooner, paying your own insurances is decidedly not cheap).

This all does, however, mean that Critical Games is going to have to wait a while longer to swap over to a design studio (which remains my goal). I still strongly feel that there is a need for nuanced, narrative based games that really delve into the storytelling capabilities of the medium, a style of game that is largely unmade currently. I simply don’t have the assets or industry clout to pull it off right now. Instead I will be pursuing other things, including game design for other companies, level design, writing (script and technical), customer relations (GMing), QA testing, web maintenance and moderation, and other positions I’m either qualified for or feel I could do (I’ll leave you to guess which are which… I will say I’ve done most of them in one capacity or another, just generally not for pay). I’m also looking into grants through the NSF and NEA (among others) to either do some game prototypes (much thanks to Chuck Kinzer for pointing me towards some of those), or write a book (either on the role of animation in the US in the 20th century, or one of several photo essays). I’m also going to see if I can put together some written articles to submit for publication. I’m not sure if I’m at the point where I could actually do that for a living (in fact I’m pretty sure I’m not, though the desire to eat can be a powerful motivator), but if even one or two get published, that could help stave off a negative bank balance and give me more time to find a good gig. If there was ever a time to be looking in these directions, it would be now, since my living situation is fairly stable and rent at least isn’t an issue.

An idea that my brother and I tossed around at lunch also has some merit, though it doesn’t solve short term concerns per se. The idea is to offer ourselves as freelance researchers and consultants to game companies (though the work could just as easily apply to television and movies). As we move more and more towards high definition, technically and historically accurate depictions within games, the need for cultural, geographic, architectural, and historic research is going to increase exponentially. I feel well equipped in my capabilities as a researcher, and I think now is an opportune time to start offering this talent as a service. I can take 4000 pages of text about a culture or historic period or esoteric topic, and synopsize it into a 10, 20, 30 page report covering relevant details to what might be needed in accurately depicting that idea in a game. Anyone who has spoken with me for more than half an hour knows I’m a sponge for random information — why not try and get paid for that? The issue is in convincing studios that they need such a service, and while I absolutely believe that they WILL come to this realization, I strongly suspect it may be slow going. The best thing I can do, I think, is put up a page offering this service and start contacting companies about what I’m offering. That, and pick the brains of folks in the industry about the idea. I may get lucky, and someone will throw me a bone, and give it a shot. The reality is that will be the real test of whether or not a freelance research role is viable and worthwhile.

There are several projects I’d like to get underway that I think would be beneficial for me (if for no other reason than I think they’re neat and would keep some sort of creative and intellectual momentum going). I’d still like to work on building some levels and mods of various types. I want to wade back into programming with both arms swinging, namely in Java and Objective-C. I want to write a MUD from scratch, hopefully with a scalar framework so it could be taken visual by someone with gumption. I want to get back into Latin (I’m rusty as heck), and put a concerted effort into Japanese. I want to finish some of my short stories (and start some more). I’ve been talking with my father and our friend Charlie for several months about restarting a photographic art group. All this, I want to do while I continue the job search, and try to have some semblance of life. Needless to say, I have my work cut out for me. Time to get started.

Of Birthdays and Boots

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As a birthday present to myself, I spoke with a friend at Microsoft, and bought a new copy of Windows XP Professional SP2 via employee discount (if you haven’t heard about this… the general rule of thumb is that you pay roughly 10% of the retail cost on any program they offer… so a $300 program is $30. Hella handy if you know someone who works there). I think most of you already know where I’m going with this: as of today, I’m now dualbooting on my MacBook Pro… it’s a 120gb drive, split 85/35 (Mac/Windows). I’ve only just barely finished installing all the updates that have accrued since the version pressed to disk, along with a few basics (Firefox, various media players). Once I have free time again, I’m planning to install a some things:

  • Unreal Tournament 2004 (so I can do some mod and level work… it’s worth pointing out that the Mac port of UT2k4 doesn’t come with UnrealEd)
  • Half-Life 2 (also for access to the modding and level building capabilities…)
  • Anarchy Online (I’m using a free account, and like logging in every once in a while)
  • Final Fantasy XI (I have an account there, including monthly fee, but have been out of town so much and busy when I AM here that I simply haven’t even had a chance to log in for probably a month and a half or two months… hoping to correct that this way)
  • XNA (I received a beta and demo disk while at GDC, figure it might be worth checking out)

It’s worth noting that I MAY also pick up Oblivion at some point, at which point that’d be going on there as well. That’s a big if, though; until I actually land a job, I need to watch my spending. As far as games go, there are a slew out there that I’d like to pick up, but simply can’t justify right now, especially since I have TWO pay-per-month games on my roster right now (FFXI and World of Warcraft… which I’ll continue to play on the Mac side). I may end up finally dropping FFXI, but I’ve been holding out mostly to see what they do with the expansion that is coming out shortly.

My birthday weekend I spent in Providence, not doing a whole heck of a lot. It was a work weekend for both Erica and I (not that I actually got much done *cough*), and then my actual birthday I spent driving back north to Vermont (but not without getting a parking ticket in Providence), followed by dinner with my parents. I was hoping to hang out with folks in the Upper Valley for a while after dinner, but by then I was completely wiped out, and instead opted to drive home and head to bed. I’m now officially in my mid-20s (25), and I’m simultaneously struck by the wide variety of things I’ve seen and done, and how few things I have to actually show for it.

Brain Dump

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It’s been a while since I just wrote for the sake of writing, and not just because I’ve been busy elsewhere (even now, I’m blowing off working on piecing together my final product for my semester, having worked on it for roughly 4 hours this evening already). Nor is it from lack of things to say: relatively speaking, I’m bursting at the seams with things I’d like to talk about, but haven’t for various reasons (some good, some bad).

Mostly it’s just because when it comes time to sit down and write, my fingers seize up, and I’m left feeling tongue tied and twisted up. Which is sort of a theme with me, I think. It, like a dozen other things, is something I should work on. Not that I know how. Without trying to stroke my own ego, I know a bit about a great many things, usually just enough to get myself into trouble (or out of it, as the case may be); there is still so much I don’t know anything about, and am stuck taking blind-ass guesses like anyone else. I always find it ironic (and somehow reassuring) that despite my feeling fucked up, people do continue to come to me seeking some insights into their own peace of mind.

By and large, I’ve taken the divorce pretty well, as most people have tended to remark or agree. That doesn’t mean I’m a superhuman or zen master or a robot, it just means I happened to stumble on a path that didn’t drive me insane. And y’know, it still hurts. I’ve processed a hell of a lot and had to adapt in ways I really didn’t want to have to, and by and large my life is going pretty damn well right now. I go to GDC next week, my semester is nearly over and it looks like i’ll be finishing on time and well, and I’m dating an absolutely amazing girl. Hell, I even still talk to my ex-wife a few times a month. Even if it felt like the end of the world at the time, things have turned out alright.

That said, in about a month, it will be my birthday. A week after that, and it will be exactly a year from when I received a phone call from Mickey that completely ripped my guts out and left me with some rather overwhelming relationship-trust issues that I’ve been damned blessed to have an understanding lady to help me work through. Overall I’ve done pretty well (heh, she’s still happy to be with me at least!), but in these weeks preceding that anniversary, I’ve been getting increasingly anxious and testy and nervous. I’m about ready to crawl out of my skin, if that’d get me away from this feeling. It doesn’t help that I have other things to stress about, so I’m stuck on this merry-go-round of anxiety:
1. Stress about school: I graduate in a month. Do I feel like I made good use of my time, and learned things that will help me in the days to come? Will my paper go over well in review? Will my presentation go alright?
2. Stress about money: several people owe me a considerable amount of money at this point, and unless they start paying me back, my ability to do what I need to do this summer will be SIGNIFICANTLY more difficult.
3. Stress about housing: I need to have found a new place to live by the end of the summer. Ideally I’d like to buy, but that takes an initial downpayment that hinges around money. Even renting, deposits are generally needed, and also how much can I realistically afford? See #2, stress about money.
4. Stress about work: if GDC goes well, I might have either a job, or (hope of hopes) the seed funding to start the studio I want. If not, what am I doing with myself? Where do I find the money to live while I work on trying again? (“McDonalds!” “Borders!” Yes, I’m aware: the question isn’t whether I can find work of some sort, the question is whether it’ll be enough to be sustainable without having to work two jobs and double shifts every day, as that’s a dead-end path on being able to move on from it.)
5. Stress about relationships: this is by far the lamest one of the five to be stressing about. Erica has not given me a SINGLE REASON to not trust her or doubt her faithfulness or care, and yet because of the baggage from previous relationships, I still have those anxious moments that she frankly doesn’t deserve to be put through.

And then I just cycle through them, even when I’m working on other things. It’s like this constantly flexing knot in the pit of my stomach, and I’m sick of it [sic]. Yet I don’t feel like i have the energy right now to force myself out of that cycle. (I’m self-aware enough to know that change ultimately comes from within, and they only way to get out of these cycles is to choose to do so. Knowing what you have to do doesn’t make DOING IT any easier, though.)

Hopefully after some of this sugars out (one way or another), I can sit down and actually do some of the things I’ve been meaning to do… like post-mortem the MUD. I started playing in May 1997; its time to give it the critical eye. And get back to some of the stories I started writing last year. And get back to photographing for myself. And get back to drawing. And Maya. And working on levels and modding games. So many things…

Taking a Break from Schoolwork

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I’ve been working on my preface and introduction for my final product. There is still quite a bit I’d like to do on it, but I promised my advisor I would have them ready by this weekend, so I suspect I’ll simply have to make more revisions later and plow through to finish it for now.

But first, some other news. I’m currently house sitting for my parents while they’re in Hawaii, which has proven to be a nice time for meditation, just myself and Freya. That said, I have made it out about a few times, notably to the new chinese restaurant in town, which has taken over the former Panda House location. The food is pretty decent in a similar style to Panda, and the service is acceptable though still working out the kinks of their first week (they aren’t even done hiring and training yet, which is why they haven’t formally promoted the place in the paper or anything). It’s several levels better than the other chinese in the area, at the very least, so I’m pretty satisfied, and suspect my parents will be as well when they get back from Hawaii.

A few weeks ago, my iPod was stolen out my car (no, it wasn’t immediately visible, I was parked in my parking spot in Montpelier at the time, and yes, I am going to be filing a claim). While it’s unfortunate (and moreso because they stole the car charger too, which was lent to me by my friend Dano), this has meant that I’ve begun looking at the new iPods… they’ve come a long LONG way since my first generation 5GB iPod. I’m currently eyeing the 60GB Video iPod as a (more securely handled) replacement. Now, in the process of this, I’ve also begun keeping closer tabs on the Mac rumors and heard the rumors of new Intel based laptops being announced at MacWorld San Francisco 2006. They were right.

This is damn near everything I’m looking for in a laptop. Needless to say, I’ve ordered one, literally within minutes of the Steve Jobs keynote finishing, and expect to receive it sometime in February when they ship. This is a hasty decision, but that doesn’t necessarily make it a bad one, nor poorly thought out. With that laptop, I will be able to effectively sell off THREE computers, which should nearly cover the new purchase. (The three are my 800MHz 15″ G4 Titanium Powerbook with 1gb of ram and a fresh screen, hinge, and hard drive; my Windows desktop, a Pentium 4 2.2GHz Vaio with 1gb of ram, 120gb drive, DVD RW and additional CD-ROM, Audigy 2 soundcard, and an ATI Radeon X300 [I think, need to double check]; and my nearly brand new 12″ G4 Aluminum Powerbook with 1.25GB of RAM — essentially the most recent version of the laptop prior to the Mac Book Pro — which I bought in May.) Please, if any of these interest you, make me an offer (pass the word to friends, too, please). I’m really excited about this new laptop, and have been impressed with how much of an impact it’s made on even dedicated Windows users.

Honestly, it’s the first computer to give me serious technolust since the G5 originally came out (2.5 years ago). That and the Nintendo Revolution are really the only techno-goodies that I’m actively excited about right now. While I’ll likely still pick up the Xbox 360 and the Playstation 3, that is more because gaming is my interest, not because I’m overly impressed by what they have to offer. (And even then, I’m waiting for “killer apps” out of each… for the 360, those would be Mistwalker’s Lost Odyssey, and Bungie’s Halo 3… I’ve yet to see a “must have” game for the Playstation 3 for me, though Metal Gear Solid fans certainly have something to be excited about.)

Anyway, back to schoolwork.

Offhanded Rambling

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I haven’t really just rambled about things in a while, which is sort of a shame, as I do find it remarkably cathartic and useful in recharging my creative batteries, so to speak. Lately, all it seems like I’m doing is just giving quick updates about what’s happening in my life, without much in the way of me in the process. Sometimes, I’m afraid that I’ve forgotten how. I’ve been reading a lot lately (and even then, not as much as I should; I really ought to just sit down and cram a few more books into me over the next week or two), including quite a few blogs mostly talking aobut game design, development, the gaming industry, and game related politics. (A quick segue: as most of you are aware, I am adamantly opposed to government legislature that restricts any civil right, no matter the reason. Needless to say, I am furious over FEPA. Regardless of the current trend, I stand by my belief that we were not meant to be governed by a nanny state, and will be once again writing my congressmen saying as much. Seque addressed; back to the topic.)

Games have been a major part of my life for quite few years at this point, and in a lot of ways it’s been great to have an excuse to immerse myself in the subject. That said, it is a large and daunting topic, and more than once in the past two months, I’ve felt somewhat overwhelmed by the amount of material to not only read and internalize, but also then reflect upon and write about it in time for my monthly due dates. While I’m sure that personal factors have a major role in how scattered I’ve been with it all, that is ultimately an excuse that does nothing for very real deadlines and very real concerns over worth and hireability in the post-graduate world. The last thing I want to do is bullshit my way through this semester and come out of it feeling lackluster over my abilities and value to potential employers. I am well aware that I am overly critical of my own knowledge and abilities, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I should be doing better.

I’ve been hashing out a few game ideas, and hopefully I will be in a position by the end of the semester to take some of these ideas and bring Critical Games into the development realm (this is, and always has been, my long term goal). This would involve certain things going very right in terms of securing capital (among other things), which while I’m confident CAN be pulled off, still involves a good deal of luck and being in the right place at the right time. The first step is to do well this semester. The second step is to make a good impression at the Game Developer’s Conference this spring (still haven’t received word over getting trust funding to attend that… more prodding may be needed). Third step is to secure funding (I have some assets now, and potentially more coming in the following months, but let’s face it, starting a development company isn’t cheap, even assuming you are able to hire developers for equity). I have some ideas on what to do about the hiring/funding part, not the least of which involves giving developers “points” in each game in a similar fashion to how movies are handled, rather than equity in the company itself; unless it’s a best seller with a great contract with the publisher, development houses tend not to really make much of a profit (and often fold), so equity in one can be a hard sell.

Shifting back toward an academic bent for a moment, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’m going to organize my final product. I know what the product will be (a collection of essays about games), but now comes the challenge of writing those essays in a cogent, cohesive manner and in a fashion that really addresses my core topic (games as literature and art). My writing feels rushed (because it is) and scattered (also because it is), as I’ve been addressing whatever topics strike me as wanting or needing to be talked about. While that’s fine for a blog, I need to be a bit more collected for my study. Ideally, I’ll wake up tomorrow, feel rested and whole, and start pounding through books and essays like a man possessed.

Instead, I’ve been an insomniac, not being able to sleep before 3, 4, 5am. Not for lack of trying, I just haven’t been able to pull it off. I’ve also been painfully aware of a feeling broken, incomplete for the past week or two. This isn’t surprising; when the marriage abruptly fell apart back in April, I was put on a fairly high dosage of a powerful anti-depressant (20mg Lexapro, for the curious), which I only recently got off, so it’s entirely possible that the “broken”, “scattered” feeling is attributable to withdrawal symptoms. This certainly adds an extra challenge to the semester, but I’ll simply have to learn to cope; I have no wish to be on anti-depressants any longer than I have to. Besides, if I can get organized and pull out a great semester through all that, I can get through anything, right?

One step at a time: I’m in the second to smallest bedroom in the house (the smallest that’s being used as a bedroom), and have arguably the most “stuff” to try and find a place for. This has proven to be an interesting adventure to deal with, though hopefully I’ve finally come to a final solution this weekend with the delivery of a wardrobe (the room has no closet), so I can stop living out of a suitcase, and a bookshelf, so I can finally empty out and get rid of the pile of boxes of books that are scattered around the room. This is more important for me than you might think: for me, a clean room is a clean mind; organizing my room is a meditation that helps me organize my thoughts for writing. (As those who’ve lived with me in the past can attest, you’ll never see my office cleaner than when a school packet is due.) I haven’t been able to organize my room because I simply haven’t had anywhere to put anything.

I suppose it’s dichotomous that I talk about these personal issues in the same post that I talk about ideas for handling game development, but I’ll let you in a little secret; that’s simply how I am. I feel embarassed talking about myself and my personal problems, I hate doing it, but still feel the need to get it out, and feel better after I’ve done it. Talking about impersonal things is my shield from my personal self, and it’s where I go to hide after exposing myself and to build up the courage to expose myself again. I’ve been cognizant that this is what I’m doing for a long long time, but I haven’t ever really sat down and explained this before. My apologies if this frustrates anyone; I doubt it will change any time soon. I suppose i could just separate the personal and the impersonal into separate posts, but that’s kind of opposite to my whole writing philosophy, on several levels: it breaks the flow of writing; I rarely (if ever) write drafts, so what you see is raw and usually written in a single sitting. (You wouldn’t believe how fucking nuts it drove me writing my online communities essay, since it was too long to do in one, or even two sittings… this is also my biggest hinderance in actually writing a novel, or anything longer than a short story. I don’t care about the personal/impersonal thing, but THIS is something I want to change, ASAP).

I know a lot of people who read this blog have commented in the past that I tend to write long, dense posts, and that makes it work to read. In consideration for those people, I should probably end it here. Those that read it in syndication on LiveJournal also probably don’t appreciate the giant swarms of text filling their friends page, either. But who knows, maybe they do.

It’s remarkable how quickly I’ve been rebuilding frustration with Avatar. I’ve been back for a few months at most, and I’m already feeling disillusioned and disappointed over the interaction between staff and players, communication on all levels, and the direction of development. Core principles of game design (as delineated from social design, which also has issues going on) are not being considered or implemented. (An immediate example, without giving out specifics, is a failure to balance playability of all user-accessible content; while varying levels of challenge is expected and desired, awareness of the outer limits of playability should always be kept in mind and addressed.) Maybe it’s tied to the withdrawal again, maybe not, but I am getting very close to my threshold about this, and increasingly interested in finding a way to incorporate designing a new MUD into my study (this isn’t much of a stretch; while implementing it would require more time than I have, establishing a roadmap/design document using a type of game I am already extremely familiar with isn’t much of a stretch to include at all).

I hate ending things, especially on a sour note like griping about a game I’ve been involved with for nearly a decade, but there it is. I’m just not sure where else I could take it from here, and don’t really have anything else I want to say right now… leave it to a stress-point to kill a perfectly good ramble.

Improve Thyself

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I’m back home now, freshly and officially divorced. Freya is adjusting well to her new home. Maybe it’s just shellshock, but I feel pretty resolved, finally… the actual divorce (all 5 minutes of it) seemed to bring a certain amount of closure, which is appreciated. Despite all the stress and tension over the past few months, Mickey and I managed to part friends, and I wish her the best with her life.

As for me, I’m on a bit of a self-improvement kick. I’ve hung out with usual crowd the past two nights (since I got back), and I’m just not feeling like I’m fitting in, and I’m kind of ready to get into a more productive mode. Even girl watching isn’t all that appealing right now. I just want to dive into all the things I’ve wanted to do, but didn’t for various reasons. I purchased my books for the upcoming semester yesterday from Amazon, and I’m looking forward to jumping head first into the topic. I also went over to Borders today and ended up picking up O’Reilly’s Learning Java, and Killer Game Programming for Java, plus a collection of Kanji Cards and a introduction to Japanese course (book and 8 discs).

I’m looking into the possibility of auditing a programming course at Dartmouth… I need to talk to Admissions tomorrow about what the process will be to do it. I’m also looking into taking ballroom dance classes with my friend Liz. I definitely need to haul ass on these, since the Dartmouth semester starts soon and dance classes start the 22nd.

The last time I felt like this was three years ago.

In other news, the more I read about the next generation consoles, the more I want to develop for the Nintendo Revolution. Here are a few reasons why. On a related note, I’m currently working on building a backlog of essays for Critical Games, and will be reviving the site once I get a few weeks ahead (I want to post an essay a week, and want at least a month’s buffer).

The Power of Posting Compels You!

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I’m not sure if folks have noticed, but despite my recent lackluster and whiny posting lately, there are several new readers, which makes me happy. As much as having friends and family post, it also feels good to know that people you don’t know are not only discovering you, but finding your work worthwhile enough to comment. It’s a bit of a warm fuzzy, and thanks for it.

This has been one hell of a summer, and I’m frankly looking forward to it being over. It started back in April with my marriage abruptly falling apart, continued on into family deaths in June and August, and has wrapped up with selling my house and needing to drive out to Seattle to finalize the divorce and collect Freya (my dog).

Things are showing the potential of shaping up, however. Maybe it’s the crisp air (my favorite time to be in New England is August into early October), but I’m finally starting to feel like my head is clearing, and I’m feeling a little less desparate for a relationship, and ready to actually focus on the things I want to do with my life. While I’m broke at the moment, we managed to sell the house for a pretty decent profit, which means that I’ll be able to pay for my final semester of school and get things back on track. And before you say it, I know that I should treat that money as capital towards another investment, not spending cash, and I intend to do that with most of it (probably putting the majority into a money market or a short term CD while I finish school).

I came to something of a revelation last night while hanging out with friends, namely to not play the game. The things that bother me I should simply ignore, rather than letting myself get dragged into the same arguments over and over. This may sound like common logic, but it really does feel different when it actually strikes you, and you realize you’re just as much at fault for escalating it as they are for doing it. I’m sort of feeling done with the area, which isn’t exactly a great feeling to have when you’re about to settle in for the winter.

My family reunion was this past weekend; I was sick for most it, and thus not really up for chatting as much as I might have liked. It was still fun though, and nice to see faces from 5 or 10 years ago. I was supposed to start driving to Seattle yesterday, but a few days prior to that, Mickey called me up and told me that we could do a power of attorney for the sale so I wouldn’t have to rush out (which was something we discussed briefly several months ago, but apparently she’d completely forgotten about until talking to her father). So instead of starting my drive and then scrambling to find a place to stay for two+ weeks out in Seattle with no money, in theory I should now be able to stay here until probably the 5th, when I need to leave in order to make it out for our court date on the 12th, and to pick up the dog. This makes things considerably easier, and holds at least the potential of receiving my share of the house settlement before I have to start driving (which would make the return trip not only easier, but possible… one semester’s tuition doesn’t go far when you’re paying for anti-depressants and therapy bills and replacing a dead computer plus day to day living expenses like gas and food).

Speaking of the trip, I randomly heard from my friend Berrian, so I may go visit her on my way out, and if she’s interested, drag her along. It’s been years since I actually saw her, so it’d definitely be an experience. In either case, I’m really looking forward to seeing her again (four years is a long time). I’m supposed to give her a call next week to figure things out.