Tag Archives: ruminations

Hack, Cough, Wheeze

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I’ve been feeling not quite shipshape the past few days, first mentally, and now physically (but thankfully not at once). Been slightly feverish with swollen lymph nodes for the past day or two, but overall I’m definitely making progress, staying hydrated and all. I did want to write tonight, however, for a few reasons.

Item the first! Happy Guy Fawkes Day. For whatever other foolishness we all do sometimes, I gotta give props to the fact that we celebrate someone who tried to blow up parliament. Perhaps if he’d been successful, we’d have declared it a tragedy instead, but still, let’s hear it for taking personal responsibility to do what you feel is right and necessary to effect change!

Item the second! I’m heading south for Thanksgiving. I should be in DC the weekend prior, if anyone down that way wants to get together for coffee or dinner et cetera. I know there is a large contingent of DC’ers that I’ve been promising to visit for months… now’s the time. Contact me to work out details.

Item the third! NaNoWriMo is going slowly, largely due to a) my being lazy, b) Final Fantasy XII (expect a review when I’m through it), c) a massive funk I was feeling, d) wanting to curl up under some covers and sleep this cold off. Those are the big excuses. The bright side is that it is still early in the month, and it’s not like I have a job or anything to distract me from catching up. (No no, there’s no embittered tone to that, not at all… Well, maybe a little. Only a little, though. Despite continuing to plunge myself into debt, I’m feeling pretty good about things at the moment.)

There a lot of things I’d like to write about but haven’t been. I know I’ve said similar before, but I hope that as I start feeling better, I’ll actually start getting into a routine of writing again. Now is not the time, however: I need to devote the rest of my writing time this evening to my nanowrimo project. (You need to do just under 1700 words a day to hit the 50,000 word goal by the end of the month… I need to do closer to 2000-2100 a day, and should realistically aim for 2500-3000 a day to handle those inevitable days where I’m otherwise occupied — see: “driving to DC.”)

Sporadic Posts and Why

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You may have noticed that my posting schedule has once again become a fair bit more sporadic than my preferred rate, including a two week hiatus from posting on Applegeeks (need to post there today or tomorrow). There are a few reasons for this, mostly revolving around the fact that I’ve been sequestering myself in various places that aren’t exactly known for their internet accessability. I spent a week at Squam, which was excellent and I already touched upon briefly, and now I’m in Peterborough for the next few weeks, until we close it up at the end of the month. There is no internet at the house, but the bagel shop at the bottom of the hill has free wifi, so I can still do a morning (or in this case, afternoon) email check and update… for now.

You see, I’m planning on sending my laptop in to Apple… again. There is a very disconcerting and loud whine coming from it, especially when the hard drive platter is first spinning up after being turned on or awaking from sleep. NOT GOOD. Also, the keyboard makes an annoying squeak ever since they replaced it earlier in the summer. I’ll still have my desktop (which I bothered to bring down with me), so I can still get my work done, but I do think that tomorrow I’m going to trek out to the Apple Store in Salem and have them look at it again. It’s under warranty, and I really want it to be as ship-shape as possible by the time the warranty ends.

Arr. Other things (how much can I type in the 10 minutes left on the laptop battery?): Canadian Thanksgiving at Squam was delightful, and I had a great time getting to chat with my cousins (hello to any of you reading); I’ve been reading some fascinating interviews with various comic book writers, and really do think that this sounds like a great fit for several of the stories I’d like to tell (above and beyond the already existing comic characters that I’d like to revive). That’s what I think I’m going to focus on for the next week: sinking my teeth into writing some comic scripts.

Anyway, battery is dead, I will update more soon!

And Now

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Sometimes it’s more difficult to start a post than it is to write the rest of it.  Why is it that we have so much with starting things and ending things?  Once we’re into it, we can just glide along, but the wrappers on either side, man they’re tough.

When last we visited these hallowed electrons, I was in Providence, it was morning, and we were leading into a camping trip in Maine.  Well, the trip to Maine was excellent.  I really had a great time, wandering around, building campfires, taking the kayak out, and having some really excellent conversations with people.  I kind of wish I’d been able to bring Freya with me, as since it’s an island, she would have been able to run freely without worrying about her getting into TOO much trouble.  All told, there were eight of us: Kate, Andrew, Casey, Claire, Erica, Kelly, Mary, and myself.  Damn good times.

When we got back from Maine, Erica and I broke up.  This was my decision, and for my own needs and reasons.  It’s something I’d been giving a LOT of thought about, and decided it wouldn’t make sense to drag it out further, and that it would be best to do it in person.  It’s not because of anything either of us did wrong, and whoever she dates next is going to be a damned lucky fellow, because she’s fabulous.  It was just time to end it — I need to be single for a while, to re-center myself and get into a place that works for me.  I always kind of felt like it was new-agey bullshit when I heard reasons like that, but it’s not, and I’m not sure I can explain why to those who haven’t already gone through it.  I’m working on salvaging friends out of it, including Erica.  I came to really care about the people down there, and value them as friends, so I sincerely hope this doesn’t cause any rifts or distancing (or at the very least, none that are insurmountable).

On Saturday, I went to my former roommates’ (Kate and Andy) wedding, which was an absolute blast.  I took gobs of photos (which I still need to burn to DVD, dangit), and the bride and groom looked fantastic.  The theme of the wedding was 1920s-30s, and so there were plenty of people dressed out in vintage suits that really made the whole event feel classic.  There were pleasant conversations happening all around the space, and I think everyone was really charged to have a great time.  The wedding was at 5, but festivities carried on well into the night, with the band leaving around 11, and people continuing to hang out after that.  I took off shortly after the band left, and dropped my brother off in Montpelier before heading south to the Upper Valley.  I didn’t get home until around 1-1:30, at which point I was bushed and went straight to sleep.  Sunday, I woke up and went back north to Montpelier, to help my brother pack and move his things out of the house, since he’s taken that position down in DC.  (In case you were wondering why I drove back down rather than simply crash on a couch, I forgot to bring a change of clothes and didn’t want to pack and lug boxes in a dry clean only suit.)

Since then, most of my days have been occupied with getting my affairs in order for disappearing for a while to Squam and Peterborough; paying bills, picking up sundry items, digging items I want to bring out of packed boxes, et cetera.  Other than that, I’ve been spending time with my parents and hanging out with friends, and in general trying to keep things low key.  I’m really looking forward to this time alone (that said, if you want to visit for a day or two, as long as you want it low key, I’m willing to share the space).  It feels really good to have a set direction and plan with all this: WRITE!  Build some inertia with my writing, and if things start looking positive in that general direction (writing is a fairly broad category), run with it.  If that doesn’t work out (knock wood), I already have plans on what to try next, most of which involve getting a crap job and studying my ass off in one of several subjects.  It just feels good to have a direction with all this.

I’ll wrap things up with a quick note that I am selling a plethora of technological gadgetry.  I’m selling off both monitors (19″ and 22″, prices negotiable), a spare graphics card (X700), my vaio desktop (PCV-770, upgraded), aaaand my PowerMac G5 tower.  I’m reluctant to let that last one go, but the sad reality is that I would be better served for my purposes in reducing my overall office footprint as much as I can, and I can get equivalent power out of a fully specced 24″ iMac (which I can afford if I sell all the things I listed).  I also decided this evening to additionally sell my Palm Tungsten T (yes, the original Tungsten), with cradle, for $75.  If you’re interested, let me know.

Connectivity

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I’ve largely finished moving out of the house in Montpelier, with my belongings (and myself) moving down to my parents’ house for the time being. This really isn’t that bad, as I get along with my parents rather well, and we’re all aware that it will be temporary, which takes a lot of the stress off (though it still remains to be seen exactly how temporary). The one major flaw with living there is that they have no broadband, and even their dialup is noisy and slow. This is through no fault of their own: they’ve kept their hardware up to date and internal lines clear. It all comes down to the fact that the phone company isn’t willing to lay new cable, nor add a station to a pre-existing box to add DSL capability further out of town. Also, the cable company continues to give a song and dance about “maybe” running cable out there “soon” (which is what they’ve been saying for 20 years), so that’s out as an option. There is wireless broadband in the area, but there are a few hills in the way of the line-of-sight needed to get there. Cellular based broadband (EVDO and the like) MAY work, assuming that our somewhat sketchy reception at the house is enough and that the towers serving it are upgraded to handle it… awful big investment for something that may not work. Basically, the choices are either pay an exorbitant amount of me getting a T1 or partial T1 installed, move, or suck it up on the 56k dialup service that is consistently lucky to hit 28.8 (which is “high enough” according to the letter of the law that the phone company will do nothing about the line noise, since it’s not seriously affecting voice communication).

So, instead I’m sitting in my car, in Hanover, listening to my iPod on my car stereo, getting some writing done and downloading a few updates and apps I wanted/needed for some projects. Normally I would be sitting out in front of Collis, but it’s too cold and rainy. Otherwise, I’d be sitting inside the Hopkins Center and using the wireless there, but that’s closed up tight for Labor Day weekend (as is the interior of Collis). But hey, my car is pretty comfy, and it’s nice being able to listen to my own music.

Tomorrow, I pack up my bags and head south to Rhode Island, where Erica and her friends are gearing up for the new school year, and planning a big camping trip up in Maine, which I will be accompanying them on. (And yes, I do consider them my friends too, but I know them through Erica and they were her friends first, so…) It should be a good time rain or shine, and it will be nice to see them all again (many of whom I haven’t seen since the spring). One of my secret projects should be coming up tomorrow as well, so hopefully I’ll have time to post about that once it’s done.

Y’know, modular apps is kind of neat in that when you update an application, you just drop the new application into the directory and it replaces the old one. That said, I do kind of miss when an updater actually modified the pre-existing app. They were smaller. I’m most of the way through an 80mb download, and that is frankly a small package compared to some. it gets frustrating killing time waiting for things to download (hey, news to companies out there: not all of us have an OC3 pipe!). But then, when else would we write all our blog posts?

Back in Dobra

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For those who are recent additions to the readership, Dobra is a tea house in Burlington, VT, just off Church Street. It’s the sort of place that serves their tea loose leaf, and their menu is book-length, filled with anecdotes about where they found this or that drink. You sit and read the book while relaxing music plays in the background, and when you’re ready, you ring a small bell, and they come and take your order. The entire experience is relaxing and meditative… and they have free wireless, so it’s a definite win. I would probably spend far more time here if I lived closer, but at this point I rarely make my way up to Burlington.

It just seemed appropriate today, for whatever reason. The meditation of thinking over a cup of fresh tea (Bai Mu Dan for those curious) is sometimes an invaluable one. There’s a lot of thinking to be done. As I’m sure many of you can attest, I’m a bit of a scattered individual. I divide my time into irrelevance between passions for games and art and the web and programming and speculative fiction and philosophy and writing and cartoons and music. Some I’ve managed to relegate to something which I enjoy passively, like music, and reading, whereas others still occupy central facets of my attention, like art of several types, and writing, and to some extent programming. All of these are things that if I dedicated myself to, I could refine my abilities and do for the rest of my life (or certainly for a while), and yet because there are so many, I’m left so scattered that I don’t really dedicate enough of myself to any of them. This is a problem, and has garnered quite a bit of thought that i’m trying to process.

Ultimately, I’m simply going to have to narrow things down a bit and focus on one or two, if only for long enough to gain a greater mastery of them than I have so far. Programming is something that frustrates me but attracts me at the same time. Every time I think I’m done with it (for a while anyway), something comes along that makes me think that maybe it’ll be different this time and that I should give it another shot (this time, it was watching the Ruby on Rails videos, which my friend Duncan showed me). There is a great deal of appeal, here: a knowledgeable programmer can effectively work in a mercenary fashion, or work for themselves, and there is in fact an element of creative “making” involved. That said, it’s the one that I’m arguably the least qualified for: my math skills, while adequate, were never all THAT stellar, and when getting into more complex stuff, my programming suffers for it. This could be overcome with diligence, but for now at least, it’s probably a sign that I should move on to other things.

So what next: I love art, I love talking about it, I love viewing it, I love participating in it, and I love making it. But in terms of many forms of traditional art, I have a great distance to go in terms of technical growth before I’d really be comfortable with it. Photography is the possible exception to this, however the kind of photography I feel I’m best at and most prefer doing is an extremely unsalable one. While this shouldn’t put me off from doing it as a career, for now at least, it does. I will likely continue to do photography in my spare time, but I do not think I’m going to actively pursue it or the mastery of it right now. I am mercenary enough, and (at the risk of sounding like I’m tooting my own horn), savvy enough that I could probably do alright doing photography as a career, it would not be the type of photography that is satisfying to me, nor what I feel I do as well as I’d like (it is this process that I would be practicing and refining) if I were to be charging someone.

The web: while there are people who are making good money as A-list bloggers, it is actually an incredibly small percentage, and I don’t feel the content that I write necessarily fits a fiscally rewarding model (especially these long rambly posts about nothing that have a light whiff of angst). But there’s more ways to make money on the web than that, like, say, doing web designs and maintenance for others. I feel that I have a fairly clear and solid design aesthetic (whether you like it or not is another matter), and once established, I could probably do it reasonably well. In fact, regardless of what else I do, I’ll probably put myself out there in this capacity, though just how much may vary. I’ve already got a rapidly growing list of projects I’m helping people with, in addition to the work I’ve done on my own site and Erica’s portfolio site. (Especially since some are still tentative, I’m not going to elaborate on these projects. In fairness, as they come to fruition, I’ll post about them.)

This all leads up to the one that I’m at least tentatively committing to working on for the next several months (and longer if it goes well): writing. What exactly this entails, I’m not precisely clear on. I know that I want to take several weeks to go into a self-imposed solitary to focus on getting somewhere with one of about a dozen ideas at this point. Some are fiction, meant for short stories, novellas, novels, and also game scripts, and comic scripts. Others are essays and reviews of games and books and music. Others still are grander ideas, where what I’m writing is samples and a proposal, and applying to magazines and papers as a columnist. All of which take time and determination and skills that range from prepared to rusty to untrained and needing attention. Why did I pick writing? Because it’s solitary, independent, and can be done anywhere with the materials at hand, all of which are things that are really important to me right now.

I feel a bit like a broken record, here. But it remains present in my thoughts, and each time I write about it, I keep hoping that by writing it out, I’ll stop dwelling on it all. Hasn’t worked yet. In the next week or so, however, I’ll (theoretically) be finished moving, which is one less block weighing on me, and closer to being able to act on my intent.

Moving, Stretched

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I’ve been back from Peterborough for a few days now, but I’m just now getting around to posting.  More on why in a moment, but first, a recap on the weekend: Thursday, I left Montpelier and headed to my parents house, where I collected Freya before proceeding down to Peterborough.  It was really great seeing my cousins again, and I know Freya had an absolute ball playing with the other dogs all weekend.  As seems to be tradition, we all packed off to the Peterborough Players on Friday night, where we saw a rather pleasant rendition of Shakespeare’s Winter’s Tale. Saturday was spent mostly in the annual meeting, which I think went well, especially considering how much material we had to cover.  After all that wrapped up, we joined the larger Morison clan for a barbeque up by the pond, followed by dessert at the Brick House (which I think is technically called Highland Terrace, but we’ve always called it the brick house).  These were all highly extended cousins (3rd cousins?  4th?), so I hadn’t really ever had much of an opportunity to get to know many of them, a fact I was happily able to remedy at least a little.  To any of you who might be now reading the blog: “Hi!”

Dessert at the brick house was interesting; despite the family connection to the house, this was only the second time in memory that I’ve been inside it.  It’s really quite swank, and the murals inside were spectacular.  I ended up asking one of the older generation about it, and found out that they were painted by a fellow named Otto E. Farhm, back in the 1930s.  Otto had recently immigrated to the US, and set up shop as a house painter in the Peterborough area, but had previously been trained as a painter by the Norwegian Royal Academy of Arts.  When this was discovered, he was quickly commissioned to do murals in several rooms, which have largely survived into the modern day with only a little retouching.  Really neat stuff.

Sunday was quite a bit quieter, spending most of the morning preparing for a reception to be held at the Yellow House after the interment service of great uncle Bill.  The interment itself was subdued and tasteful, his urn buried in the family plot beside his wife Abby.  I departed directly from there.  I hope everyone enjoyed the reception after, however.

Overall, it was a really good weekend, but tiring, and there was more than one occasion where I was about “people’d” out and ready to go hide in a darkened room for a while.  Maybe it’s just a passing thing, but I have found that my capacity for socialization has dwindled markedly in the past year.  Prepping myself to become a hermit, it seems like.

As for what’s kept me from posting this sooner: I’ve been in the process of packing up all my worldly belongings in order to move… somewhere.  Still not entirely sure where, yet.  For now, my belongings are going into my parents house, until I figure out where I’m going next (and how I’m going to afford such).  I started packing boxes and moving them down last week, and have continued to do so this week.  I’ve been keeping it pretty mellow, basically filling the back seat of my car each day and taking it down.  I’m going to probably need to rent a van for a day when the time comes, however, in order to move my furniture.

Of course, given my somewhat scattered nature, I let myself get distracted yesterday afternoon looking at web related foo for several projects I’m either actively or tentatively working on.  Which of course led to me deciding it was high time to actually update Critical Games to use my logo (illustration by Erica Henderson, logo implementation by Nabil Maynard), which I’ve been using on my business cards for months.  (And yes, I’m well aware of the humor over the fact that I have business cards for a business that is currently not much more than a name and an idea.)  Please, check out the new design and let me know what you think.

Real Post

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I can’t speak for anyone else on this matter. Perhaps others don’t have this issue. For me, however, I find myself often stuck in a position of desperately wanting company but simultaneously not wanting to deal with anyone. These feelings are also often accompanied by a desire to make a social rapport with someone — anyone, a friend, the waiter, random pedestrians, you name it — and having efforts to achieve that fail miserably. It’s happened to me dozens and dozens of times, and I STILL don’t know whether it’s just me perceiving a failure (your own worst critic and all), or if there really are times where I really am just completely disfunctional. As I’m sure the reader has surmised, today was one of these days. I found myself desperately trying to make a connection and kept on feeling more and more disconnected for it. And it’s no one’s fault but my own for creating a need that relies on the energy and presence of others, who may be quite busy and unable to participate even if they had the time. And of course, I’m just as guilty of shutting others out in much the same way, over the years. Things come up, or I simply don’t have the energy to devote to an in depth conversation, but the other side wants to dive in, even needs to dive in. The feeling of a real rapport with someone is addictive.

I’m sure all of this isn’t helped by the fact that I was off in my room for most of the day, since for the next week or so, I am without my laptop. There were a number of little niggling things that were making me uneasy, and then two nights ago it started making a whining noise, so I decided enough was enough, backed up my user directory, and drove it down to the Apple Store in Rockingham Park to get it serviced (still under warranty thank god). The Mac Genius there was moving about a mile a minute the entire time we were there, and it’s pretty clear he’d been that way since he got on shift. Looking at their listings on the Apple jobs site, they’re understaffed, and really should have had a second Genius on to help lighten the load (the wait time was over 2 hours when we got there… we managed to slide in during a cancelled reservation after about an hour). They’re saying 5 to 7 days, but it’s still really unfortunate timing, since I’m about to head to Peterborough for the annual meeting, and would have liked to have it for then. Still, better to have it fixed and ship-shape, I suppose.

I’ve been feeling pretty dysfunctional lately, in a really strange way. In terms of basic function, I’m doing alright, even getting up at reasonable hours (assuming I’m not going to bed at 3am, of course), exercising at least a little, eating moderately alright, and in general trying to get what I need to do done. It’s more intangible than that: I feel dysfunctional on a creative and intellectual level. I feel like I’m just repeating the same things over and over, telling and retelling the same stories and anecdotes, and not growing or deepening as an individual. I feel boring, and that I’m boring other people with my lack of growth and insights. I’m feeling mired in the present and the mundane and that it’s become the centerpiece of my conversations… rather than discussing some idea with passion and zest, I talk about how my car was broken into, and my computer needs fixing, and all this other mundane shit that doesn’t even fucking matter in anything close to a grand sense. (Well, beyond that everything and everyone matters within the cosmic consciousness.) It makes me feel like I’m wasting the time of others as well as myself, and bring nothing worth offering to the table in relationships with others who have kept that passion and honed their talents and intellect. Feh.

The Heat Has Broken

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I don’t know how many times I’ve said it before [just checked… 10 other times], but I’m sitting in Hanover at the moment, watching people and enjoying the New England August, which is about as close to perfection as can be achieved in nature. It is ranging between 72 and 78 between shade and sun, with a light westerly breeze and low to non-existent humidity, and just enough vivid white clouds floating by to provide texture to an otherwise rich blue sky. Simply put, this is the weather that God sets his climate control to. If you abruptly keeled over and died, wafting up to that oft-remarked upon better place, you would not notice a difference in the weather.

Depending on the weather report you listen to, it’s supposed to stay this way for a few more days. Personally, I’m hoping so. In the grand scheme, as much as we claim an immunity to the weather via concrete and steel, we are still very much affected by it, and enriched by the beauty of that divinely pristine day. But perhaps I am waxing on too much of the day, and not enough of the moment, nor my place within it.

Things have been (un)hectic since my last post. By that statement, I mean that there have been a great many things happening, but very little of it has been occupying my attention. My brother has taken a position in Washington, DC, and in fact has already moved down there (rather abrupt, I know). I wish him luck, and hope to visit him at some point soon. My car was broken into shortly after leaving my previous post, while it was parked on the street in Providence. They went through my trunk lock, so I didn’t even know anything had been taken or damaged until I was already north at Squam, and went to collect the bags holding my mask, snorkel, books, and warmer clothing (it was raining when we got there, an a sweatshirt seemed an eminently good idea). All in all, about $1600-2000 worth of stuff was taken, encompassing two bags and my leather jacket containing all the usual doodads and knick-knacks I’m wont to carry. As soon as I got back home, I assessed to make sure everything I thought was gone really was, and then arranged to report it to my insurance company and to my bank (since my checkbook was stolen). It’s proven to be a bit of a hassle, since I now need to prove to the insurance company that I did in fact own each of those items, several of which were gifts, others were part of events or other non-itemized things, and others still are either too old to have a receipt after several moves, and the remainder have receipts handily organized by my ex-wife for just such an occasion… in a storage unit in Seattle. It’s not enough of a loss to justify the money to fly out to Seattle, either. Of course, the whole point is moot until I get a police report case number, or else the insurance company won’t pay a dime… and of course, you must file a police report in person, which I have not been able to arrange yet (I’ll be heading down later this week). All that said, I find myself remarkably unstressed about it, or much of anything. It’s like someone’s been slipping valium in my water — I simply find myself remarkably beyond worrying about what I cannot change, and accepting of my situation (broke, unemployed, and unsure where I’m going or what I’m doing next). To be perfectly frank, a part of me has been thinking of just taking off for parts unknown and taking a job at a diner in some podunk somewhere no one has ever heard of.

I was pleasantly satisfied with the results of the Apple Worldwide Developer’s Conference keynote yesterday, where they showcased a number of features being added in the next release of the OS (Mac OS X 10.5, due out this spring), many of which I think will be invaluable additions to my workflow (their incorporation of several principles of GTD into their apps bodes well for being more organized). They also debuted the new Mac Pro (the desktop to replace the PowerMac G5), and the new Xeon-based Xserve, completing their transition to an Intel based architecture after a whopping 210 days (instead of the anticipated 2 years). Both of these new systems are looking pretty stellar, though I really can’t justify an upgrade: my G5 is still in excellent condition and usability, and my Mac Book Pro had best last me quite some time (though I will be the first to admit I use it quite a lot, and not in ideal flat-table-or-desk situations… in fact, I think it may have warped a little, as it no longer sits entirely flat with all four feet on the table anymore… I may take it down to the Apple store sometime soon and have them look at it while it’s still under warranty). Overall, the keynote meant very little to me in the present, since I have neither the money to join a high enough developer’s membership to get a 10.5 developer’s seed, nor to buy a new machine. That said, there is a lot of excitement about some the features to come in the spring, not the least of which includes what they’re calling “Objective-C 2.0”, which according to the banter on the obj-c-language list hosted by Apple, is still under NDA and won’t be elaborated on for a while yet. The little tidbits put on the Apple website, however, point to some really nice additions to the language, including ones that potentially make it an even more viable platform for using in a game development situation (I still believe it has the potential, and that we simply need to really assess the libraries and tools provided in its feasibility — the Core libraries alone hold a lot of potential).

In the next few weeks, I need to move out of my house, and line up where I’m going to be after that lease ends (I also need to find rent money for that final month, as well as pay off some bills that require cash). I’m still sincerely hoping that I’ll be able to work something out involving staying at Squam and Peterborough for a few weeks each, to get some writing done in a place that I can be alone and undistracted (both of which are very important to me right now, as I find myself more and more a recluse).

Actually, I want to talk about that parenthetical for a moment. As many of you know, in the Meyers-Briggs personality scale, I’m consistently a strongly leaning INFP (Introvert iNtuitive Feeling Perceptive). My introversion has been becoming more and more pronounced over the past months, and I find myself more and more reluctant in combating it. It has nothing to do with anyone but myself, and the directions I feel I need to go. It does not mean that I don’t care about others, or my relationships with them. It does, however, mean that I’m realizing that I probably haven’t been the best person to hang out with lately, and likely won’t be for some time to come. Caveat emptor!

Heat Vision

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It’s unbelievably hot in my room right now, and there’s nothing to be done about it. All my computers are off except the laptop, the lights are out, the window is open and still the heat is akin to a sauna, only one you don’t have the option to walk away from. It makes me wonder how people further south deal with this, and apart from the snarky response “air conditioning”, I must simply assume we adapt to our environment well enough to not notice this after a while.

I’ve not adapted, however. It’s fucking hot.

This is not the reason I’m writing, however (it would, after all, make more sense to simply close the laptop and try and get some sleep). Frankly, I’m not entirely sure why I’m writing, other than that I feel a need to write some of the things in my head out and see how they sit. The frontmost thought has been revolving around figuring out my immediate and intermediate future. I need a place to live, and a place to work, and frankly if I get the latter, the former will come based on the job. I’ve sent out dozens of resumes to various places all over the world, ranging from design positions (what I really want), to retail computer sales, and everything in between that I could consider myself qualified for that is remotely close to my chosen field. I’ve been sending these resumes out for months at this point, and frankly I’m starting to get a little tired of getting jerked around by companies that won’t even acknowledge I exist, and makes me appreciate quite a lot more the places that even bother with a GFY (“Go Fuck Yourself”, the form letters that politely let you know that the position is no longer available or that you’re no longer considered). This frustration has led me to consider another option: start my own business.

The basic gist of the idea is this: take out a loan (SBA or otherwise) to start an independent software and game development studio. Especially at first, the focus would be on small, targeted, inexpensive apps likely for OS X, while expanding into games (shareware and mods and contract work, and maybe moving into commercial games in future). I’d also work to bring in revenue via web design work and any sort of consulting or contract work I can get, especially at first.

It’s where I want to be in 5 years, the question is whether I’m in a position to do it now. That’s debatable, but even taking my friend Chris’s maxim that the best way to learn is to base your ability to eat on it into consideration, the likelihood of pulling it off isn’t that stellar. (NOT impossible, not even slim! Just also not high.)

Which takes me to my next idea: hide out for a bit and devote the time to getting some REAL writing done. Articles, short stories, and in particular, comic book script and proposals. Once I have some ready, submit them appropriately and see if I can get either some freelance work or better, a full time writing position. I have some strong ideas for comics that I’d like to see done, so I don’t think this is an unreasonable path to take, assuming I can get out of this non-writing rut and back into the habit of writing daily.

The key part to both this idea and the previous one is that they both involve taking some creative/productive responsibility into my own hands. I think an anecdote related to Utah Philips by Fry Pan Jack is the best explanation as to why it’s so appealing:

I learned when I was young that the only true life I had was the life of my brain. But if it’s true the only real life I have is the life of my brain, what sense does it make to hand that brain to somebody for eight hours a day for their particular use on the presumption that at the end of the day they will give it back in an unmutilated condition?

I’ve found ways to minimize the hoop jumping by going to alternative schools, and it would seem a shame to take that experience and throw it away by diving headfirst into the hoop filled corporate culture — there must be another way that still keeps me fed, housed, and clothed, and by damn I mean to find it!

Independence Day Update

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The first and arguably most important thing I’m going to say in this update is Welcome to the world, Oliver! To Chris and Lise, also many congratulations and well wishes are in order. I think you’re going to make damned fine parents, and I’m looking forward to meeting the munchkin when it’s feasible.

In other news, Happy 4th of July to those who have it as more than just the fourth day of the month! I’d also like to make quick nods to the folks I’ve noticed linking my last post, and hope they decide to stick around a bit. So to CW and Lichen, hats off to you, glad you liked the post. Maybe there are others that have linked it or other things, and if so please let me know: I like knowing people are finding something worthwhile on here, and because I have trackbacks turned off due to spam issues, I often don’t find your referral.

I’m going to aim to make a more significant post later, but for now, that’s all.