Category Archives: Personal Life

Accordian Music

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I’m sitting in Hanover again, with Uri and Mike this time. Uri flew east yesterday for our grandparents’ funeral, so he’s around for the next ten days. He brought his laptop this time, so we’re both getting some writing done, sitting at Collis. On Uri’s computer, iTunes is playing Below the Salt, a band we saw out in Seattle. It’s interesting stuff, a strange combination of jazz and hillbilly; laid back with a simple groove, a mishmash of upright bass, accordian, and musical saw. Totally worth looking into, assuming you can find it.

I’ve discovered that lately I have a strong aversion to hanging out with groups of people. More than two or three people and I simply lose interest in the situation, and want to go elsewhere. It’s like the more people around, the more I become exponentially more anti-social. I’m just more interested in actual dialogue right now, which is more likely in a one on one situation than it is in a group dynamic. I want to talk to people about what they are passionate about, what they care about, what they think about. I simply can’t bring myself to care about the inane little bullshit like what Buffy was wearing at the Yacht Club last week or how drunk you got last night. If you can’t make it to relate to your enlightenment, why are you talking about it? What does it bring to the table that makes it unique from the thousands of other stories exactly like it? We don’t like “reruns” in our entertainment, why should we have to accept it in our conversation?

Over the weekend, I spent some time with Mariah, leading up to her departure for Option. That was fantastic — she and I talked a lot about what was going on, and just in general had a really great time together. That lead really well into Sunday, when Mike and I were hanging out in Hanover, and randomly started talking to someone walking by. It turns out that her name is Jasmine, and she’s a graduate student at Dartmouth, studying organic electrochemistry. Let me just say that I think she’s awesome. I’m very glad to have met her, and look forward to spending more time with her in the not too distant future. She lives life passionately and genuinely, and it’s a breath of fresh air that I really value.

The house in theory is going on the market today. Mickey has been stressed about it, and I feel kind of bad about not being around to help with preparations, to spread the stress across an extra set of shoulders so to speak, but there is really very little I can do from here beyond lending an ear. I hope she knows that she is welcome to call and vent any time she needs to. I don’t really have anything else I can offer.

Thursday, UPS is finally sending an inspector to check out the monitors that were damaged in the move. For the record, from the date they called to confirm that I needed an on-site inspection (“Someone will call you in the next 24 hours to set up an appointment”), it was fully a week and a half until they called to set up an appointment, which was nearly a full week after that. I am very frustrated with this process, and if they try to dick me around on recompense over my damaged, insured items, I have absolutely no qualms filing a complaint with the BBB. I’m sincerely hoping that it won’t come to that, though.

Phonetime

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After three years, my cell phone has died. I’ve replaced the antenna twice, the antenna cradle once, and the battery once, eking it as long as I could, through a hell of a lot of abuse (I don’t drop my phone, but I wouldn’t say I keep it pristine, either). It’s finally time to get a new one. I’m currently eyeing the Motorola 710. If I could wait another few months, Motorola will be releasing a CDMA capable RAZR V3 towards the end of 2005. Alas, not; the crackling and popping and occasional “echo” laden call, and the gravelly audio randomly that doesn’t go away until it restarts… this, I was able to deal with. But now it can’t even access digital signal anymore. It’s time. Requiescat in pace.

Rather than make a new post when I actually get the new phone, I’ll just update this post.

[UPDATE 7/2/2005:

I went with the Motorola v710, and have been very happy with it thus far. The reception is markedly better than my previous phone, and is giving me signal where I’ve previously had none. I’m annoyed to discover that Verizon crippled the bluetooth functionality, which means if I want a custom ringtone or to offload any pictures or videos(!) I take, I’ll have to use their system($). I’m going to explore non-warranty-voiding hackery to see what I can do to alleviate the situation (I already know of one way, involving a custom firmware update). I’ve already done the necessary modification to iSync to allow me to sync my contacts, and I’ve also played around with the bluetooth headset I picked up along with it. SLICK stuff, I’ve got it playing nicely with both my cellphone AND my desktop, which will tide me over for voice chat until I get up enough gumption to pick up an iSight.

If you are wondering if I have your current contact information, EMAIL or IM ME. Especially for those of you who aren’t local, I’d hate to be passing through your area and then discover I don’t have an up to date phone number or email to contact you with. ]

Grandparentless

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As mentioned in an earlier post, my grandmother passed away on June 17th, 2005. It seems that my grandfather held on for another week, then passed away in his sleep during the night between June 22nd and June 23rd, 2005. While abrupt and unfortunate, it wasn’t entirely unexpected, and it’s a blessing that both were able to go peacefully. I feel privileged to have known them, and will miss them both.

Memorial services will be held on or around July 8th in Lyme, NH.

My Grandmother

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Mary Sharples Bowden Olmsted, my grandmother, passed away today. I’ll update more when I have information on where to send condolences and well wishes.

[Update 6/19/2005: The memorial service will be at the church in Lyme on July 8th. There is an organization that will be accepting donations in lieu of flowers, but I’m waiting to get that information.]

[Update 6/28/2005: Donations in lieu of flowers on behalf of Mary Bowden Olmsted should be sent to:
The Utility Club
PO Box 323
Lyme, NH 03768 ]

The Time for Pain has Passed; Now it is Time for Healing

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Sitting around at the coffee shop in Bellevue, killing time until I need to go to the airport. The sun is out, it’s 65 degrees, a light breeze is keeping the air fresh, and the leaves on the tree outside are wafting in the wind in a general state of being alive. All in all, not a bad final day in Seattle. It was weird this morning, leaving my keys to the house and Mickey’s car on the kitchen table, and realizing — REALLY realizing — that this was most probably the last time I would be in that house. Our house, the house we bought, the house we owned, the house we lived in. I am a sentimentalist, and perhaps that is why leaving has made such an impact. In either case, it’s left a definite weird vibe this morning.

I was thinking about it all on the drive up to town to drop off the rental car. That’s where the title of this post came from. Whether or not others feel I’ve let all the angst and anguish out, I feel like it’s done, and continuing that path would simply lead to [self]destruction. The time for pain has passed; now it is time for healing. It is time to embrace my feelings, to embrace my memories — the good and the bad, and appreciate each and every moment I can for what it is: an experience unutterably unique and inextricably linked to all other moments in my, or anyone’s life.

I’ve been trying to understand the world around me, and how I fit into it, what my role in the Grand Scheme of Things™ is. I still don’t know. I know that I do not wish to be a cog. I do not want the 9 to 5 life. I don’t want the fucking suburbs. I know that if I’m going to get what I want, I need to get out of my own damn way. I have carried myself as far as introspection can go, and now it’s time to burst out of my shell and take the steps that I have been afraid to make. It is time to truly grok myself.

Last Day in Town

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So much to say. Tomorrow evening, I get on a plane and fly back to Vermont. I am looking forward to going home, but at the same time, I’m not sure what’s really going to change beyond the location. My physical state may change, but my mental state I am less sure of. Not that my mental state is all that bad given the circumstances, so much as it is still fixated on the divorce. I’ve tried accepting, I’ve tried letting things slide, but it remains there. It’s like a splinter that you can’t get out; you just have to wait until it leaves on its own.

I moved all my files off Mickey’s computer (which had been formerly mine; we upgraded her to it when we moved out to Seattle) today, then deleted the user account. In the process, I saw things I probably shouldn’t have, and really have no one to blame but myself for looking at. It’s like a train wreck: you know you’re not going to like what you see, but you can’t bring yourself to look away. It left me feeling in a sour funk, so I went up to Bellevue, and discovered that the coffee shop was closed. The owner happened to be there, and he let me hang out for a little while, even gave me a free drink, which was very cool of him. Uri called, and then swung by, and we went to lunch, followed by Episode III (which he had not yet seen, and I’d seen once). I wouldn’t call it the best of the series, but it was CERTAINLY the best of the prequels. By far.

After the movie, I had dinner with Mickey, and I talked to her about the stuff I found, and we managed to get back to a reasonably good spot, which is definitely a nice place to be when I’m leaving the following day. The details are irrelevant, and actually relatively harmless taken in context, but it left me questioning our interaction, and how much of what she had been saying was placation, and how much was reality. Suffice it to say, we’re still talking to each other and parting friends. I wouldn’t say “best” friends, but I hope things can continue to improve over time, and as our comfort grows and pain lessens.

The plan for tomorrow is to pack up the last of my things (shaving kit, toothbrush, stuff like that), drop off the car, and then go do one last coffee. Then I get dropped off, and wait around for my red eye flight back east. Should be jolly good fun: fly out around 10:30pm, arrive in DC (Dulles) shortly before 7am, get on my next plane a little after 8am, and get into Manchester around 9:45am. All in all, that’s less than a 9 hour trip, given the time zone difference, so that’s not too bad. I plan to sleep most of the day, do dinner with the folks, and then go out and see people Tuesday evening. (Yes, that’s a hint. I’ll have been gone for 3 weeks, you can put up with my sorry ass for an evening, eh?)

This used to be a much different post. I started writing it before having dinner with Mickey, and got up to about 3 pages of writing about the details of what happened. I deleted it all and wrote what you see. Sometimes it feels like a really good idea to get it all out there, for commiseration if not validation. Then you realize who you’d hurt in the process, and think better of it. At least, I hope you do.

Holistic Imagery

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The title of this post is drawn from a conversation I just had with Dallas, another regular here at the coffee shop. He’s working on something called Form Syntax, which is basically creating a linguistic reference for visual concepts. It’s pretty cool stuff, from what I could see — complex in concept, but the idea is a good one. It was an interesting discussion to say the least, and the best way that I was able to encapsulate the concept is to call it holistic imagery — showing the interconnectedness of form, function, and emotion within design.

Earlier in the day, I went and had lunch with Robert, which was good. We ended up going to this strange little Hawaiian place near his office, which was odd but fun. I hadn’t seen Robert in a while, so it was nice to catch up with him a bit, see what’s new. He’s apparently gotten serious with a ladyfriend, kudos to him on that, and has also picked up a new car (Penny Arcade is doing well). It’s an Audi Quattro convertible, leather interior, climate control, all the bells and whistles (yes, Penny Arcade is doing THAT well), and I was quite envious. When I finally get back into town (who knows when), he told me to look him up and we’d hang out more.

Last night, I discovered to my joy that Muppets Season 1 will be available on DVD August 9th. I have been spreading the gospel ever since. Also, they’re doing a sequel Dark Crystal, and other fun projects, and that makes me happy — it’s always nice to see Hensons doing cool things, though I must say I still miss Jim.

Yesterday was… odd. I ended up not leaving the house all day, and just sat around online, looking at movie trailers and reading comics and chatting. I was feeling pretty isolated, but unable to bring myself to change my situation to fix that. I’m ready to head home (3ish more days, I fly home on Monday, arrive Tuesday), and am mostly just killing time until then. It just feels weird to be where I am, I suppose. Mickey’s coming down tomorrow to move shelves and stuff to the garage to be craigslisted. Then comes the weekend, and we may go do something, or do some more cleaning if needs be. We’re still friends, and even marginally functional, just getting divorced is all.

Yeah, this is a bit of an amalgam post, but such is life sometimes. I’ve been thinking about what steps I want to take this summer, and I think I have a regimen that should work:

  1. Wake up
  2. Go hiking or swimming
  3. lunch
  4. study programming, game design, writing

Dinner onward is variable, depending on what friends and family are doing. But that’s the routine I’d like to get into, and I think it’s a reasonable (and simple) regimen, one that I think I can maintain. By the end of the summer, my goal is to have at least 8 books from my bibliography read and hopefully annotated, and to have a solid grounding in Objective-C and the new features in OS X 10.4, and to be in better shape than I currently am. These three goals are accomplishable and worthwhile towards my goals. Comments, concerns, anyone want to join in?

Progress is Cathartic

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Progress is finally being made, and that feels really good. The knot in my stomach is the closest to being loosened it’s been since I got out here. What caused the release? A few things… the big one is that Mickey and I have actually gotten a lot of the things we need to do done or started, which is a big load off my shoulders. I’ve emailed the realtor we bought the house through about selling the house, called and made an appointement for a consultation with a lawyer to make sure we’re doing the paperwork right and get it to say what we want it to say. Accounts are either switched or we know what needs to happen to switch them now. As it stands, I need to finish packing (doing portable storage, the container arrives Friday), and ship out what I need/want to ship back to Vermont, and sign a piece of paper at the bank.

There are other things that are making me less stressed, too. Mickey and her father (Hi Pete!) were kind enough to rent me a car so I can get around reasonably while out here, without relying on rides. Also, Mickey has agreed to at least try and not sleep with George while we’re dealing with this. (This is bigger than some of you might realize. Some might say, “Well, the relationship is already over, what does it matter if she sleeps with someone else?” And if we weren’t trying to salvage a friendship, you’d have a point. As it stands, that gesture of at least giving it a shot means a hell of a lot to me; it shows giving my feelings about it some consideration. It’s also not like I’m saying never see the guy again, either… it’s just while I’m out here and we’re dealing with the divorce.)

Yesterday was interesting. A lot of the anger and hurt about all this that I’ve been burying for the past two months finally boiled over. I flipped out, was screaming, crying, throwing things, and as much as I hate being angry like that, it was really cathartic to finally just get it out. I scared the dog and Mickey pretty well, though I didn’t do anything to them (I do NOT get angry at people. It’s a testament to Mickey knowing me that she was scared I was going to hurt myself or put something through a wall or a window, not that I was going to hurt her.) In either case, while draining, it felt good to get it out.

Later that evening, after Mickey went up to her friend’s house (we’re still not a point where we’re comfortable sleeping in the same house), I drew a bath and sat in it while music played off my computer a room over. When I was done, I closed my eyes and hit the drain stopper with my foot, and sat there as the water drained away around me, and let my worries wash away with them.

Progress is Cathartic.

Like a Tomb

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Earlier this afternoon, Uri brought me down to my house, and I started packing my belongings. Walking inside, the place was still and quiet, like a tomb. It’s clear that Mickey hasn’t been spending much time here, instead staying with George (yes, his name is “George”), or her friend Kiki. The whole atmosphere of the place just feels broken, like the spirit of the house knows what happened. The cupboards and fridge are nearly bare, Mickey hasn’t been grocery shopping in a while, it seems. The lawn is a forest, grass a foot and a half to two feet high, untouched since I mowed it shortly before I left.

Like I said, broken.

Packing has been fast. I have a decent pile of boxes filled and marked in the dining room, and I’m stalled where I am with no more packing materials available. I’ve sifted through boxes in the garage to find what’s mine, though there is still a bunch of artwork, posters, and pictures that still need to be sorted. Mickey and I need to sit down and sort through the movies, to decide who is keeping what. The anime, games, and my music has all been packed. The game systems have been packed, and the cd player, though not the stereo and speakers (yet). I haven’t even begun on my books, or any of the upstairs (my dresser, my closet, my office, my technical books), and I’m not inclined to start in on them until I have more boxes to pack into. The computers are still up and running as well, and will probably be one of the last things I pack, since it will involve a great deal of rearranging the network to connect to Mickey’s computer, and I’m positive there will still be things I’d like to access or print from the desktop in the meantime. I still need to decide whether I’m going to take the base station with me, or let her keep it as a router. I’m inclined to leave it, since both of my machines now are capable of 802.11G, so I might as well get a base station that can handle that. Also, since the base station’s MAC address is what’s registered with the cable company, it’ll save on connection headaches.

Mostly the reason the packing has been fast is that I haven’t paused to think about it. Now that I’m stopped for the day, it’s starting to sink in that I’m packing up my things because I’m no longer wanted by someone I gave a life commitment to. Fuck you, too, Mickey.

Life Updates

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It’s always difficult in deciding what to say and what to not, and balancing the desire to write with the realization that doing so would be nothing more than a screaming, ranting pile of angst over the divorce. While there might be some entertainment there, it’s really not what I want to do, nor who I want to be, so instead, some sporadic updates for a while, as I get my life in order.

Washington, DC was a lot of fun, spent hanging out with Tegan and her friend Hannah, as well as an adventurous trip to Franklin’s in Hyattsville to have dinner with Hawk, Katy, Mel, Tim, and the three of us. (The adventure being me getting us off on the wrong metro stop and hoofing it about two miles.) The trip ended with me driving back north to immediately get in line for Episode III of Star Wars, a feat I managed to pull off through the kindness of Eli and Pia, who picked me up a ticket when they found out I wouldn’t make it up in time to get one myself.

Thursday I finally got to sleep a little, and Friday I went down to Boston, in order to see Mickey in the morning. I’m not going to get into details, but suffice it to say that I was a mess by the end of it. I managed to make it back to the Upper Valley safely, and immediately went and hung out with friends, which was arguably the sanest thing I could have done.

Tonight, I’m doing coffee with Mariah, which I’m looking forward to, then probably heading down to see Tegan. This is essentially my last night in town before flying out to Seattle to start packing and initiating divorce proceedings, so I’d really like to see people before I go. (Tomorrow evening I’ll be around for dinner, then gone to Manchester to sleep in a hotel so I don’t miss my 6am flight.)

Which brings me to what’s happening next: I’ll be back in Seattle starting Wednesday, and going on indefinitely — however long it takes to get our affairs in order. It might be a week or two, might be a month. It’s going to be a stressful and painful time, and I’d appreciate any supportive contact or thoughts I can get. I’ll be spending part of the time at the house, the other part crashing on a couch at my brother’s place. Call me, email me, IM me, comment here or in the LJ, whatever works best for you, I just need the support right now and I don’t care how I get it. I hope to see you all soon.