On Games

I don’t usually talk much about games on my blog, but this just needed to be said: Sony dropped the ball. Let’s look at the facts:

  • their “new, innovative” controller is a ripoff of the Nintendo Wii that from reports coming in from the press conference indicate doesn’t work as well (namely that the demonstrator was flailing about in order to use it, and looked incredibly uncomfortable holding it)
  • The price is $499 and $599 respectively for the two versions of the system, which is fully $200 more than the core and full versions of the Xbox 360, and up to three times as much as the Wii is speculated to cost (we’ll find out how much soon, their press conference is… tomorrow I think).
  • their “core” version lacks memory card support, HDMI, wifi, and the hard drive is 20gb (a third the size of the full version). Considering their vaunted 1080p claims, it’s pretty absurd that some of their systems will be physically incapable of supporting it.

I’ve seen live PS3 footage, and it really does look spectacular. I really wish I could get excited about it. There are even some exclusive games for it that I’d really LIKE to play. It’s just not going to happen. Maybe in a year or two when the price has gone down a few times.

What the Plate Looks Like

My plate is currently a large, colorful, plastic plate that is square with rounded corners and a raised edge. It’s the rim that gets me. I wouldn’t mind letting some of the things on my plate slough off, but that’s hard to do, since it’d involve tipping the plate and running the risk of losing the whole kit and kaboodle. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad, though, since Life is always quite generous about refilling your plate, sometimes faster than you can eat it. Still, some of the things on my plate are quite delicious, and I’d hate to lose them. Honestly, I’d say what I really need to do is start diving in, rather than sitting here overwhelmed by the amount in front of me.

I’m of course talking about the metaphorical “plate” that describes the things we have going on or needing to do.

The job search has begun, though not with any marked or specific direction. I’m looking primarily for jobs in the New England area since I’d rather not end up further away from my girlfriend, since she has two more years of school. That said, I’m hardly in a position to be picky — while I’m not going to move to California for a job at McDonalds, if a job within the gaming industry presents itself, I’ll go where the work is. Still, with 50ish game companies in the greater Boston area, I don’t think I’m limiting my chances of getting a job in my industry of choice that much. (That’s to say nothing of other tech related companies, as well as colleges and universities.) The biggest hurdle, honestly, is writing cover letters for each position. While a resume can be fairly straightforward and identical/similar across jobs, cover letters are meant to show a bit more of the person, and why I’d be a good fit. I hate talking about myself (notice the lack of updates on here?), especially when I’m essentially trying to sell myself. Still, it must be done.

In the next month or so, I need to make arrangements to transport my storage unit from Seattle out here… which means I need to have some idea of where I’m going. This is going to cost money, more than I really have to spend right now (which is none to speak of), but there’s the simple reality, and frankly it’ll be nice to have all my stuff in one place again. Ideally, I’d like to get an apartment by myself (the idea of buying a condo or house is still very appealing, but there is no way in hell people are going to pay me back in a reasonable enough timeframe to do so), and again ideally, somewhere within walking distance for Erica (which means Providence, which means likely commuting to Boston for work… I’ve done that leg enough times at this point to not feel horrible about that, though). Now, the interesting thing is that due to how rent was paid earlier in the lease, my rent is paid through July, at which point I’d damn well better have a job (and realistically sooner, paying your own insurances is decidedly not cheap).

This all does, however, mean that Critical Games is going to have to wait a while longer to swap over to a design studio (which remains my goal). I still strongly feel that there is a need for nuanced, narrative based games that really delve into the storytelling capabilities of the medium, a style of game that is largely unmade currently. I simply don’t have the assets or industry clout to pull it off right now. Instead I will be pursuing other things, including game design for other companies, level design, writing (script and technical), customer relations (GMing), QA testing, web maintenance and moderation, and other positions I’m either qualified for or feel I could do (I’ll leave you to guess which are which… I will say I’ve done most of them in one capacity or another, just generally not for pay). I’m also looking into grants through the NSF and NEA (among others) to either do some game prototypes (much thanks to Chuck Kinzer for pointing me towards some of those), or write a book (either on the role of animation in the US in the 20th century, or one of several photo essays). I’m also going to see if I can put together some written articles to submit for publication. I’m not sure if I’m at the point where I could actually do that for a living (in fact I’m pretty sure I’m not, though the desire to eat can be a powerful motivator), but if even one or two get published, that could help stave off a negative bank balance and give me more time to find a good gig. If there was ever a time to be looking in these directions, it would be now, since my living situation is fairly stable and rent at least isn’t an issue.

An idea that my brother and I tossed around at lunch also has some merit, though it doesn’t solve short term concerns per se. The idea is to offer ourselves as freelance researchers and consultants to game companies (though the work could just as easily apply to television and movies). As we move more and more towards high definition, technically and historically accurate depictions within games, the need for cultural, geographic, architectural, and historic research is going to increase exponentially. I feel well equipped in my capabilities as a researcher, and I think now is an opportune time to start offering this talent as a service. I can take 4000 pages of text about a culture or historic period or esoteric topic, and synopsize it into a 10, 20, 30 page report covering relevant details to what might be needed in accurately depicting that idea in a game. Anyone who has spoken with me for more than half an hour knows I’m a sponge for random information — why not try and get paid for that? The issue is in convincing studios that they need such a service, and while I absolutely believe that they WILL come to this realization, I strongly suspect it may be slow going. The best thing I can do, I think, is put up a page offering this service and start contacting companies about what I’m offering. That, and pick the brains of folks in the industry about the idea. I may get lucky, and someone will throw me a bone, and give it a shot. The reality is that will be the real test of whether or not a freelance research role is viable and worthwhile.

There are several projects I’d like to get underway that I think would be beneficial for me (if for no other reason than I think they’re neat and would keep some sort of creative and intellectual momentum going). I’d still like to work on building some levels and mods of various types. I want to wade back into programming with both arms swinging, namely in Java and Objective-C. I want to write a MUD from scratch, hopefully with a scalar framework so it could be taken visual by someone with gumption. I want to get back into Latin (I’m rusty as heck), and put a concerted effort into Japanese. I want to finish some of my short stories (and start some more). I’ve been talking with my father and our friend Charlie for several months about restarting a photographic art group. All this, I want to do while I continue the job search, and try to have some semblance of life. Needless to say, I have my work cut out for me. Time to get started.

Of Birthdays and Boots

As a birthday present to myself, I spoke with a friend at Microsoft, and bought a new copy of Windows XP Professional SP2 via employee discount (if you haven’t heard about this… the general rule of thumb is that you pay roughly 10% of the retail cost on any program they offer… so a $300 program is $30. Hella handy if you know someone who works there). I think most of you already know where I’m going with this: as of today, I’m now dualbooting on my MacBook Pro… it’s a 120gb drive, split 85/35 (Mac/Windows). I’ve only just barely finished installing all the updates that have accrued since the version pressed to disk, along with a few basics (Firefox, various media players). Once I have free time again, I’m planning to install a some things:

  • Unreal Tournament 2004 (so I can do some mod and level work… it’s worth pointing out that the Mac port of UT2k4 doesn’t come with UnrealEd)
  • Half-Life 2 (also for access to the modding and level building capabilities…)
  • Anarchy Online (I’m using a free account, and like logging in every once in a while)
  • Final Fantasy XI (I have an account there, including monthly fee, but have been out of town so much and busy when I AM here that I simply haven’t even had a chance to log in for probably a month and a half or two months… hoping to correct that this way)
  • XNA (I received a beta and demo disk while at GDC, figure it might be worth checking out)

It’s worth noting that I MAY also pick up Oblivion at some point, at which point that’d be going on there as well. That’s a big if, though; until I actually land a job, I need to watch my spending. As far as games go, there are a slew out there that I’d like to pick up, but simply can’t justify right now, especially since I have TWO pay-per-month games on my roster right now (FFXI and World of Warcraft… which I’ll continue to play on the Mac side). I may end up finally dropping FFXI, but I’ve been holding out mostly to see what they do with the expansion that is coming out shortly.

My birthday weekend I spent in Providence, not doing a whole heck of a lot. It was a work weekend for both Erica and I (not that I actually got much done *cough*), and then my actual birthday I spent driving back north to Vermont (but not without getting a parking ticket in Providence), followed by dinner with my parents. I was hoping to hang out with folks in the Upper Valley for a while after dinner, but by then I was completely wiped out, and instead opted to drive home and head to bed. I’m now officially in my mid-20s (25), and I’m simultaneously struck by the wide variety of things I’ve seen and done, and how few things I have to actually show for it.

Brain Dump

It’s been a while since I just wrote for the sake of writing, and not just because I’ve been busy elsewhere (even now, I’m blowing off working on piecing together my final product for my semester, having worked on it for roughly 4 hours this evening already). Nor is it from lack of things to say: relatively speaking, I’m bursting at the seams with things I’d like to talk about, but haven’t for various reasons (some good, some bad).

Mostly it’s just because when it comes time to sit down and write, my fingers seize up, and I’m left feeling tongue tied and twisted up. Which is sort of a theme with me, I think. It, like a dozen other things, is something I should work on. Not that I know how. Without trying to stroke my own ego, I know a bit about a great many things, usually just enough to get myself into trouble (or out of it, as the case may be); there is still so much I don’t know anything about, and am stuck taking blind-ass guesses like anyone else. I always find it ironic (and somehow reassuring) that despite my feeling fucked up, people do continue to come to me seeking some insights into their own peace of mind.

By and large, I’ve taken the divorce pretty well, as most people have tended to remark or agree. That doesn’t mean I’m a superhuman or zen master or a robot, it just means I happened to stumble on a path that didn’t drive me insane. And y’know, it still hurts. I’ve processed a hell of a lot and had to adapt in ways I really didn’t want to have to, and by and large my life is going pretty damn well right now. I go to GDC next week, my semester is nearly over and it looks like i’ll be finishing on time and well, and I’m dating an absolutely amazing girl. Hell, I even still talk to my ex-wife a few times a month. Even if it felt like the end of the world at the time, things have turned out alright.

That said, in about a month, it will be my birthday. A week after that, and it will be exactly a year from when I received a phone call from Mickey that completely ripped my guts out and left me with some rather overwhelming relationship-trust issues that I’ve been damned blessed to have an understanding lady to help me work through. Overall I’ve done pretty well (heh, she’s still happy to be with me at least!), but in these weeks preceding that anniversary, I’ve been getting increasingly anxious and testy and nervous. I’m about ready to crawl out of my skin, if that’d get me away from this feeling. It doesn’t help that I have other things to stress about, so I’m stuck on this merry-go-round of anxiety:
1. Stress about school: I graduate in a month. Do I feel like I made good use of my time, and learned things that will help me in the days to come? Will my paper go over well in review? Will my presentation go alright?
2. Stress about money: several people owe me a considerable amount of money at this point, and unless they start paying me back, my ability to do what I need to do this summer will be SIGNIFICANTLY more difficult.
3. Stress about housing: I need to have found a new place to live by the end of the summer. Ideally I’d like to buy, but that takes an initial downpayment that hinges around money. Even renting, deposits are generally needed, and also how much can I realistically afford? See #2, stress about money.
4. Stress about work: if GDC goes well, I might have either a job, or (hope of hopes) the seed funding to start the studio I want. If not, what am I doing with myself? Where do I find the money to live while I work on trying again? (“McDonalds!” “Borders!” Yes, I’m aware: the question isn’t whether I can find work of some sort, the question is whether it’ll be enough to be sustainable without having to work two jobs and double shifts every day, as that’s a dead-end path on being able to move on from it.)
5. Stress about relationships: this is by far the lamest one of the five to be stressing about. Erica has not given me a SINGLE REASON to not trust her or doubt her faithfulness or care, and yet because of the baggage from previous relationships, I still have those anxious moments that she frankly doesn’t deserve to be put through.

And then I just cycle through them, even when I’m working on other things. It’s like this constantly flexing knot in the pit of my stomach, and I’m sick of it [sic]. Yet I don’t feel like i have the energy right now to force myself out of that cycle. (I’m self-aware enough to know that change ultimately comes from within, and they only way to get out of these cycles is to choose to do so. Knowing what you have to do doesn’t make DOING IT any easier, though.)

Hopefully after some of this sugars out (one way or another), I can sit down and actually do some of the things I’ve been meaning to do… like post-mortem the MUD. I started playing in May 1997; its time to give it the critical eye. And get back to some of the stories I started writing last year. And get back to photographing for myself. And get back to drawing. And Maya. And working on levels and modding games. So many things…