Yearly Archives: 2005

The Time for Pain has Passed; Now it is Time for Healing

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Sitting around at the coffee shop in Bellevue, killing time until I need to go to the airport. The sun is out, it’s 65 degrees, a light breeze is keeping the air fresh, and the leaves on the tree outside are wafting in the wind in a general state of being alive. All in all, not a bad final day in Seattle. It was weird this morning, leaving my keys to the house and Mickey’s car on the kitchen table, and realizing — REALLY realizing — that this was most probably the last time I would be in that house. Our house, the house we bought, the house we owned, the house we lived in. I am a sentimentalist, and perhaps that is why leaving has made such an impact. In either case, it’s left a definite weird vibe this morning.

I was thinking about it all on the drive up to town to drop off the rental car. That’s where the title of this post came from. Whether or not others feel I’ve let all the angst and anguish out, I feel like it’s done, and continuing that path would simply lead to [self]destruction. The time for pain has passed; now it is time for healing. It is time to embrace my feelings, to embrace my memories — the good and the bad, and appreciate each and every moment I can for what it is: an experience unutterably unique and inextricably linked to all other moments in my, or anyone’s life.

I’ve been trying to understand the world around me, and how I fit into it, what my role in the Grand Scheme of Things™ is. I still don’t know. I know that I do not wish to be a cog. I do not want the 9 to 5 life. I don’t want the fucking suburbs. I know that if I’m going to get what I want, I need to get out of my own damn way. I have carried myself as far as introspection can go, and now it’s time to burst out of my shell and take the steps that I have been afraid to make. It is time to truly grok myself.

Last Day in Town

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So much to say. Tomorrow evening, I get on a plane and fly back to Vermont. I am looking forward to going home, but at the same time, I’m not sure what’s really going to change beyond the location. My physical state may change, but my mental state I am less sure of. Not that my mental state is all that bad given the circumstances, so much as it is still fixated on the divorce. I’ve tried accepting, I’ve tried letting things slide, but it remains there. It’s like a splinter that you can’t get out; you just have to wait until it leaves on its own.

I moved all my files off Mickey’s computer (which had been formerly mine; we upgraded her to it when we moved out to Seattle) today, then deleted the user account. In the process, I saw things I probably shouldn’t have, and really have no one to blame but myself for looking at. It’s like a train wreck: you know you’re not going to like what you see, but you can’t bring yourself to look away. It left me feeling in a sour funk, so I went up to Bellevue, and discovered that the coffee shop was closed. The owner happened to be there, and he let me hang out for a little while, even gave me a free drink, which was very cool of him. Uri called, and then swung by, and we went to lunch, followed by Episode III (which he had not yet seen, and I’d seen once). I wouldn’t call it the best of the series, but it was CERTAINLY the best of the prequels. By far.

After the movie, I had dinner with Mickey, and I talked to her about the stuff I found, and we managed to get back to a reasonably good spot, which is definitely a nice place to be when I’m leaving the following day. The details are irrelevant, and actually relatively harmless taken in context, but it left me questioning our interaction, and how much of what she had been saying was placation, and how much was reality. Suffice it to say, we’re still talking to each other and parting friends. I wouldn’t say “best” friends, but I hope things can continue to improve over time, and as our comfort grows and pain lessens.

The plan for tomorrow is to pack up the last of my things (shaving kit, toothbrush, stuff like that), drop off the car, and then go do one last coffee. Then I get dropped off, and wait around for my red eye flight back east. Should be jolly good fun: fly out around 10:30pm, arrive in DC (Dulles) shortly before 7am, get on my next plane a little after 8am, and get into Manchester around 9:45am. All in all, that’s less than a 9 hour trip, given the time zone difference, so that’s not too bad. I plan to sleep most of the day, do dinner with the folks, and then go out and see people Tuesday evening. (Yes, that’s a hint. I’ll have been gone for 3 weeks, you can put up with my sorry ass for an evening, eh?)

This used to be a much different post. I started writing it before having dinner with Mickey, and got up to about 3 pages of writing about the details of what happened. I deleted it all and wrote what you see. Sometimes it feels like a really good idea to get it all out there, for commiseration if not validation. Then you realize who you’d hurt in the process, and think better of it. At least, I hope you do.

Holistic Imagery

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The title of this post is drawn from a conversation I just had with Dallas, another regular here at the coffee shop. He’s working on something called Form Syntax, which is basically creating a linguistic reference for visual concepts. It’s pretty cool stuff, from what I could see — complex in concept, but the idea is a good one. It was an interesting discussion to say the least, and the best way that I was able to encapsulate the concept is to call it holistic imagery — showing the interconnectedness of form, function, and emotion within design.

Earlier in the day, I went and had lunch with Robert, which was good. We ended up going to this strange little Hawaiian place near his office, which was odd but fun. I hadn’t seen Robert in a while, so it was nice to catch up with him a bit, see what’s new. He’s apparently gotten serious with a ladyfriend, kudos to him on that, and has also picked up a new car (Penny Arcade is doing well). It’s an Audi Quattro convertible, leather interior, climate control, all the bells and whistles (yes, Penny Arcade is doing THAT well), and I was quite envious. When I finally get back into town (who knows when), he told me to look him up and we’d hang out more.

Last night, I discovered to my joy that Muppets Season 1 will be available on DVD August 9th. I have been spreading the gospel ever since. Also, they’re doing a sequel Dark Crystal, and other fun projects, and that makes me happy — it’s always nice to see Hensons doing cool things, though I must say I still miss Jim.

Yesterday was… odd. I ended up not leaving the house all day, and just sat around online, looking at movie trailers and reading comics and chatting. I was feeling pretty isolated, but unable to bring myself to change my situation to fix that. I’m ready to head home (3ish more days, I fly home on Monday, arrive Tuesday), and am mostly just killing time until then. It just feels weird to be where I am, I suppose. Mickey’s coming down tomorrow to move shelves and stuff to the garage to be craigslisted. Then comes the weekend, and we may go do something, or do some more cleaning if needs be. We’re still friends, and even marginally functional, just getting divorced is all.

Yeah, this is a bit of an amalgam post, but such is life sometimes. I’ve been thinking about what steps I want to take this summer, and I think I have a regimen that should work:

  1. Wake up
  2. Go hiking or swimming
  3. lunch
  4. study programming, game design, writing

Dinner onward is variable, depending on what friends and family are doing. But that’s the routine I’d like to get into, and I think it’s a reasonable (and simple) regimen, one that I think I can maintain. By the end of the summer, my goal is to have at least 8 books from my bibliography read and hopefully annotated, and to have a solid grounding in Objective-C and the new features in OS X 10.4, and to be in better shape than I currently am. These three goals are accomplishable and worthwhile towards my goals. Comments, concerns, anyone want to join in?

Sometime Again

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Looking around at various “aboriginal” cultures, I’ve noticed something: very few place much emphasis on goodbye, and some don’t even have a word for it. I remember reading in Glory Road (Heinlein), about a tribe the character visits up in Alaska, above the Arctic circle, and that the closest they came to goodbye was “sometime again.” In Hawaiian, hello and goodbye is the same word, “Aloha”.

There’s something to that, I think, something really worthwhile. Our culture is so afraid of letting go, of saying goodbye, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s because the concept of goodbye is artificial, something that has grown out of a culture of possession. We say goodbye because we’re giving up the possession of someone’s time or presence. “Goodbye” is separation, it is permanence, it is loss. It completely misses the point that all things are connected, and that nothing, not even death if we’re to believe in an afterlife, is truly gone. It is simply somewhere else, and all things will reconnect in time.

The saying goes that if you stand in one place, the world will pass before you. I think it’s true, in one fashion or another. With the 7 billion people living on this planet parade in front of you? No, and that’s not to mention the animals and plants and assorted life that exists out there, either. It is a matter of interconnectedness, the holism of life, and that ultimately everything will come back around.

I don’t know why exactly I decided to write about all this. I’ve been thinking about it, thinking about the process of saying goodbye to my life as it was, and realizing that my life is still there, it’s just different. Where I go and what I do is still up to me, now more than ever. So why say goodbye? Regardless of whether it is the same, or even similar, that which matters will come back around. Instead of goodbye, “Sometime Again.”

Progress is Cathartic

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Progress is finally being made, and that feels really good. The knot in my stomach is the closest to being loosened it’s been since I got out here. What caused the release? A few things… the big one is that Mickey and I have actually gotten a lot of the things we need to do done or started, which is a big load off my shoulders. I’ve emailed the realtor we bought the house through about selling the house, called and made an appointement for a consultation with a lawyer to make sure we’re doing the paperwork right and get it to say what we want it to say. Accounts are either switched or we know what needs to happen to switch them now. As it stands, I need to finish packing (doing portable storage, the container arrives Friday), and ship out what I need/want to ship back to Vermont, and sign a piece of paper at the bank.

There are other things that are making me less stressed, too. Mickey and her father (Hi Pete!) were kind enough to rent me a car so I can get around reasonably while out here, without relying on rides. Also, Mickey has agreed to at least try and not sleep with George while we’re dealing with this. (This is bigger than some of you might realize. Some might say, “Well, the relationship is already over, what does it matter if she sleeps with someone else?” And if we weren’t trying to salvage a friendship, you’d have a point. As it stands, that gesture of at least giving it a shot means a hell of a lot to me; it shows giving my feelings about it some consideration. It’s also not like I’m saying never see the guy again, either… it’s just while I’m out here and we’re dealing with the divorce.)

Yesterday was interesting. A lot of the anger and hurt about all this that I’ve been burying for the past two months finally boiled over. I flipped out, was screaming, crying, throwing things, and as much as I hate being angry like that, it was really cathartic to finally just get it out. I scared the dog and Mickey pretty well, though I didn’t do anything to them (I do NOT get angry at people. It’s a testament to Mickey knowing me that she was scared I was going to hurt myself or put something through a wall or a window, not that I was going to hurt her.) In either case, while draining, it felt good to get it out.

Later that evening, after Mickey went up to her friend’s house (we’re still not a point where we’re comfortable sleeping in the same house), I drew a bath and sat in it while music played off my computer a room over. When I was done, I closed my eyes and hit the drain stopper with my foot, and sat there as the water drained away around me, and let my worries wash away with them.

Progress is Cathartic.

Like a Tomb

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Earlier this afternoon, Uri brought me down to my house, and I started packing my belongings. Walking inside, the place was still and quiet, like a tomb. It’s clear that Mickey hasn’t been spending much time here, instead staying with George (yes, his name is “George”), or her friend Kiki. The whole atmosphere of the place just feels broken, like the spirit of the house knows what happened. The cupboards and fridge are nearly bare, Mickey hasn’t been grocery shopping in a while, it seems. The lawn is a forest, grass a foot and a half to two feet high, untouched since I mowed it shortly before I left.

Like I said, broken.

Packing has been fast. I have a decent pile of boxes filled and marked in the dining room, and I’m stalled where I am with no more packing materials available. I’ve sifted through boxes in the garage to find what’s mine, though there is still a bunch of artwork, posters, and pictures that still need to be sorted. Mickey and I need to sit down and sort through the movies, to decide who is keeping what. The anime, games, and my music has all been packed. The game systems have been packed, and the cd player, though not the stereo and speakers (yet). I haven’t even begun on my books, or any of the upstairs (my dresser, my closet, my office, my technical books), and I’m not inclined to start in on them until I have more boxes to pack into. The computers are still up and running as well, and will probably be one of the last things I pack, since it will involve a great deal of rearranging the network to connect to Mickey’s computer, and I’m positive there will still be things I’d like to access or print from the desktop in the meantime. I still need to decide whether I’m going to take the base station with me, or let her keep it as a router. I’m inclined to leave it, since both of my machines now are capable of 802.11G, so I might as well get a base station that can handle that. Also, since the base station’s MAC address is what’s registered with the cable company, it’ll save on connection headaches.

Mostly the reason the packing has been fast is that I haven’t paused to think about it. Now that I’m stopped for the day, it’s starting to sink in that I’m packing up my things because I’m no longer wanted by someone I gave a life commitment to. Fuck you, too, Mickey.

Anniversary Day

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Diving into the morass that I want to talk about, let me start by wishing my brother-in-law a happy birthday, and my cousins Ethan and Cortney a happy anniversary. I hope you all have a wonderful day with much love and happy times, only to be surpassed in the years to come.

It’s also my anniversary. Today marks two years since Mickey and I got married, on a rainy day in May at Squam. The pictures are still in the gallery, you’re welcome to look at them if you’d like. This year, however, it is sunny and hot here in Seattle, and Mickey and I are not even going to see each other today. Mickey has a busy day planned, picking up her friend Florence this afternoon, hanging out, going to the movies, and then driving down to Portland for the weekend. I won’t see her until Monday at the earliest, it seems. Instead, I’m spending time with Uri, and we’re currently over in Bellevue at Caffe Coccinella, my “regular” coffee shop out here.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve been thinking about what I want, what I need, and what I can and cannot have. I’ve been thinking about loneliness and the nature of solitude, and where I should go next. What are my goals, my dreams, my ideals; who am I, who do I want to be, who have I been in the past?

The short answer is that I don’t know.

What I want is to be loved, admired, respected. I want to get these ideas and feelings I have out into the air where they can be seen by others, and feel that connection that I keep on looking for. To whatever extent, I need this acceptance, this validation to feel good about myself. I need physical companionship in one fashion or another, which is why solitude (an inherently meditative and introspective experience) turns into loneliness (an inherently distracting and dependent experience). I’ve had that physical companionship, and I’ve been betrayed by it, rejected by it. I don’t really know if or when it will be alright again, though I hope sooner than later. Of course, I bring it upon myself, I suppose. My nature and personality is flexible and giving, which is very easily devolved into a form of co-dependence that I don’t really need or want.

So, back to the questions. Where should I go next. I’ve heard opinions ranging from “Player” to “Priest.” Neither extreme is really a solution that I’m entirely comfortable with nor desire. Opinions on where to physically go have also ranged, from staying in New England to moving back to Seattle, to going somewhere entirely new. I’ve thought about wandering off for a while and traveling to places I have not yet been before, as well as some old favorites. I’ve thought of going on a cruise, pampering myself a bit and seeing the world, I’ve thought of kayaking through the Keys, I’ve thought of backpacking through Europe, and studying Shinto in Japan. All of which have an appeal, and none of which are things I’m able to do right now, whether for financial reasons or timing reasons, or simple, pure fear of stepping back into the world without the safety net of family and friends. I am wounded, I will not argue otherwise, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to come limping out of my cave yet.

Pardon the angst-laden symbolism.

Well, what about my goals, my dreams, my ideals. My goal is to create. My dream is to do nothing, to simply exist and live and enjoy life, and create if and as I wish, when I wish. My ideal is to Never Hurry, Festina Lente (Make Haste Slowly). It’s the central philosophy of my life, the basis for how I wish to live, even if circumstances cause me to not. I have come to the conclusion that this is not something I should compromise on, and I must find someone who lives this life as well.

As for who I am: I am a talented person who is paralyzed by fear of both failure and success. It takes a lot for me to say, and not for the reasons you might think. Who I want to be is someone who is fulfilling his potential and savoring every second of life because of that. Who I have been is a bitter person, caught up on the frustrations of being alone, being depressed, and angry at himself for not being able to connect with others.

All of which brings me no closer to an answer, which is kind of the point. I simply don’t know where to go next. I have realized that I have what my brother and friend Mike call “One-itis”, namely getting enamored with someone and deciding that THEY are “the one,” instead of simply appreciating and enjoying their company for whatever it’s worth. I am a hopeless romantic, and to quote Shakespeare, I “loved not wisely, but too well.” This has always been a problem for me, and it’s time I put a stop to it. There is nothing wrong with dating someone, or even sleeping with someone that I don’t necessarily want to spend the rest of my life with, and giving my heart so freely toward that end has done nothing but hurt me in the long run. I do not wish to become a player, but a middle ground might be nice.

Life Updates

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It’s always difficult in deciding what to say and what to not, and balancing the desire to write with the realization that doing so would be nothing more than a screaming, ranting pile of angst over the divorce. While there might be some entertainment there, it’s really not what I want to do, nor who I want to be, so instead, some sporadic updates for a while, as I get my life in order.

Washington, DC was a lot of fun, spent hanging out with Tegan and her friend Hannah, as well as an adventurous trip to Franklin’s in Hyattsville to have dinner with Hawk, Katy, Mel, Tim, and the three of us. (The adventure being me getting us off on the wrong metro stop and hoofing it about two miles.) The trip ended with me driving back north to immediately get in line for Episode III of Star Wars, a feat I managed to pull off through the kindness of Eli and Pia, who picked me up a ticket when they found out I wouldn’t make it up in time to get one myself.

Thursday I finally got to sleep a little, and Friday I went down to Boston, in order to see Mickey in the morning. I’m not going to get into details, but suffice it to say that I was a mess by the end of it. I managed to make it back to the Upper Valley safely, and immediately went and hung out with friends, which was arguably the sanest thing I could have done.

Tonight, I’m doing coffee with Mariah, which I’m looking forward to, then probably heading down to see Tegan. This is essentially my last night in town before flying out to Seattle to start packing and initiating divorce proceedings, so I’d really like to see people before I go. (Tomorrow evening I’ll be around for dinner, then gone to Manchester to sleep in a hotel so I don’t miss my 6am flight.)

Which brings me to what’s happening next: I’ll be back in Seattle starting Wednesday, and going on indefinitely — however long it takes to get our affairs in order. It might be a week or two, might be a month. It’s going to be a stressful and painful time, and I’d appreciate any supportive contact or thoughts I can get. I’ll be spending part of the time at the house, the other part crashing on a couch at my brother’s place. Call me, email me, IM me, comment here or in the LJ, whatever works best for you, I just need the support right now and I don’t care how I get it. I hope to see you all soon.

In DC

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I’m in Washington, DC at the moment, hanging out with Tegan and Hannah. We’re in Rossalyn, and will be around and available all day tomorrow. Current plans involve dinner at Frankin’s at 7ish tomorrow, and then probably going dancing. Anyone who is in the area is welcome to come along, just leave me a comment and I’ll try to catch up to you.

[See, not every post is pages long.]

On Relationships

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As I’m sure all three of my readers are aware by now, Mickey and I are getting divorced, but still care about each other and are going to do our damnedest to remain friends after all this. So without getting into the gory details (there are parents present, and such), let me explain where things are in my head, about relationships at least.

In an ideal world, I’d like to have some sort of relationship with Mickey, but what shape that relationship takes is really up in the air. We both agree that there’s still attraction and some chemistry there, and I don’t see why we can’t work with that, albeit later, once the whole mess has become slightly less painful and stressing. I’ve come to terms with the fact that we’re getting divorced (accepting doesn’t mean I like it, just that I acknowledge that it’s going to happen), but I’m not really sure I’m ready to actually move on.

Mickey HAS moved on, at least in respect to seeing other people. I’m still working on coming to terms with that, and I fluctuate between being okay (not fine, but okay) with it and getting that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach. I’m glad she’s being honest with me about it, though, as there’s been enough deceit happening and that just puts a strain on being able to remain friends. (Remember, boys and girls, lying always hurts more.)

There is, in fact, a point to me bringing this up, and it’s not just to air dirty laundry. Mickey wants me to be able to fool around as well. Since she’s not being monogamous, she doesn’t see why I should have to be. And to a certain extent, I see where she’s coming from, though there is a small voice in the back of my head whispering “You made a commitment, and it’s not officially done yet.” So instead of actually going out and getting laid, I’ve been hanging out with several attractive young ladies and flirting madly with them. It’s not a matter of “ooh, grunt grunt, wanna play,” so much as these are people I’ve been interested in for some time now, and now feel validated in pursuing. Especially since Mickey’s given explicit written permission for me to do so, and I’ve kept her in the loop as to what if anything has happened. [Aside:Which is sort of the difference between cheating on someone, and having an open relationship: awareness and communication.]

So now I’m left up in the air as to what to do, whether I should actually follow through on the desire to fool around, or stick to the [self?]righteous high road. All I know right now is that: 1) I do not want a serious commitment again any time soon, and 2) I’d like my next relationship to be flexible about polyamory. For what it’s worth, Mickey’s claiming the same about not wanting a serious commitment any time soon. She may be dating again, but she says she has NO wish to be anyone’s girlfriend right now.

This may have been too much information, I apologize if so, but I wanted to share what’s going on in my head. Oh, also worth noting: I’ll be in DC for a few days next week, and I got a new computer yesterday. That’ll be a separate post, though.