Monthly Archives: August 2005

The Power of Posting Compels You!

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I’m not sure if folks have noticed, but despite my recent lackluster and whiny posting lately, there are several new readers, which makes me happy. As much as having friends and family post, it also feels good to know that people you don’t know are not only discovering you, but finding your work worthwhile enough to comment. It’s a bit of a warm fuzzy, and thanks for it.

This has been one hell of a summer, and I’m frankly looking forward to it being over. It started back in April with my marriage abruptly falling apart, continued on into family deaths in June and August, and has wrapped up with selling my house and needing to drive out to Seattle to finalize the divorce and collect Freya (my dog).

Things are showing the potential of shaping up, however. Maybe it’s the crisp air (my favorite time to be in New England is August into early October), but I’m finally starting to feel like my head is clearing, and I’m feeling a little less desparate for a relationship, and ready to actually focus on the things I want to do with my life. While I’m broke at the moment, we managed to sell the house for a pretty decent profit, which means that I’ll be able to pay for my final semester of school and get things back on track. And before you say it, I know that I should treat that money as capital towards another investment, not spending cash, and I intend to do that with most of it (probably putting the majority into a money market or a short term CD while I finish school).

I came to something of a revelation last night while hanging out with friends, namely to not play the game. The things that bother me I should simply ignore, rather than letting myself get dragged into the same arguments over and over. This may sound like common logic, but it really does feel different when it actually strikes you, and you realize you’re just as much at fault for escalating it as they are for doing it. I’m sort of feeling done with the area, which isn’t exactly a great feeling to have when you’re about to settle in for the winter.

My family reunion was this past weekend; I was sick for most it, and thus not really up for chatting as much as I might have liked. It was still fun though, and nice to see faces from 5 or 10 years ago. I was supposed to start driving to Seattle yesterday, but a few days prior to that, Mickey called me up and told me that we could do a power of attorney for the sale so I wouldn’t have to rush out (which was something we discussed briefly several months ago, but apparently she’d completely forgotten about until talking to her father). So instead of starting my drive and then scrambling to find a place to stay for two+ weeks out in Seattle with no money, in theory I should now be able to stay here until probably the 5th, when I need to leave in order to make it out for our court date on the 12th, and to pick up the dog. This makes things considerably easier, and holds at least the potential of receiving my share of the house settlement before I have to start driving (which would make the return trip not only easier, but possible… one semester’s tuition doesn’t go far when you’re paying for anti-depressants and therapy bills and replacing a dead computer plus day to day living expenses like gas and food).

Speaking of the trip, I randomly heard from my friend Berrian, so I may go visit her on my way out, and if she’s interested, drag her along. It’s been years since I actually saw her, so it’d definitely be an experience. In either case, I’m really looking forward to seeing her again (four years is a long time). I’m supposed to give her a call next week to figure things out.

Dobra Redux

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I’m back up at Dobra, for my third time. Jasmine needed a ride up to Burlington to pick up her car, so I took it as an excuse to spend some time with my friend, and to make it back over here. The atmosphere remains relaxed and laid back, as ever. The music is ecclectic but mellow, and the entire space just makes you feel more calm and at peace.

Which I definitely needed. I wish I could bottle up that calming essence and bring it with me, because lord knows I haven’t been this collected in ages. Even on the drive up, I was frustrated and upset, despite the excellent company and conversation. I’ve been lousy at communicating lately, with everyone including myself. I still can’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling, and I’m somewhat loathe to just dive in, lest the miscommunication continues. I do think I need to try, however, so take this caveat for what it’s worth.

I have been quick to care for others, and have been criticized for this lately, that I’m trying to fill the gap left by the divorce. Well, I’ve always been quick to love, this is not anything new. Those that I take an interest in I’m taking an interest in for a reason, and despite the occasional evening where I may sound like it, that reason isn’t sex. What I’m looking for is unconditional acceptance. I want to be wanted, someone to be unabashed about their feelings. The last time I felt that, I married the girl. And now she’s moved on, and that’s the rejection that I feel, that’s the void I want to fill. I feel like the last kid picked.

I lay my heart on the table; this is who I am. I am intensely earnest about life, and that includes my emotions: regardless of whether anything is done with that information, I would rather get how I feel out in the open. I know this changes perceptions and interactions, but I would rather deal with that than hide my emotions. I realize this is probably not a common sentiment, but I feel false to not get it out there.

I bitch about how it seems like every girl who shows any interest that I’m interested in ends up having a boyfriend (I’ve begun calling it the Probabilistic Theory of Attraction: the more I’m attracted to a girl, the higher the probability of her having a boyfriend. At a certain point that probability reaches a level of certitude that a boyfriend will spontaneously come into existence). I’m not actually upset that a girl has a boyfriend, and in fact I think it’s great that they have someone and are loyal to them despite any interest they might have shown or admitted to me (yes, some of the time they do in fact admit it, it’s not like I’m being a delusional twit and thinking every girl “wants me” just because they smile at me when I say hi). I do feel a little bitter because it happens so consistently and compounds with everything else that’s been happening, and it just makes me feel like I can’t get a break. So, chill out, and let me have my rant, and keep in mind that I do in fact know it’s not as bad as all that, and any bitterness in my voice isn’t directed at the person at all.

Yes, I’m still broken. Yes, I appreciate the company and the well wishes and the support. It doesn’t stop me from feeling alone and hurt sometimes, but it does help, and I do appreciate it more than I sometimes say. I’m also aware that I’m extremely dysfunctional lately, and haven’t really accomplished much of anything. Hell, even just making appointments for a haircut and an oil change made me feel more accomplished than I had in weeks. I feel like I have to some extent wasted my summer, and despite whether or not I had “good reason,” I still wish I’d been more productive. It doesn’t help that lately every time I’ve tried studying or doing anything productive, I feel driven to distraction and unable to focus, and my head starts throbbing. Perhaps it’s my body telling me I should be working on more internal things, but that doesn’t stop me wishing otherwise.

Anyway, battery is getting low, so I guess that’s enough rambling for now. Thanks for listening and taking it all with a grain of salt.

Death in the Family

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The past few months really have been hell, between the divorce and the deaths of my grandparents. It doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of slowing down, either: I was informed this morning that my cousin Bob Niss passed away. He was one of my mother’s first cousins, and a hell of a nice guy and talented writer. He will most definitely be missed.

Dartcon

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I’m over at Alpha Theta at the moment, where a bunch of people are playing games of various types, and I’m sitting on the couch hanging out with Randy Milholland and Iris, watching him drawing obscene sketches. It’s been a really chill and fun afternoon thus far, and I just wanted to post really quickly to say so.

[Update 8/7/2005: All in all, I had a really great time hanging out over at Alpha Theta, hanging out with everyone until around 3am, playing Taboo and Dance Dance Revolution. Randy has an unsurprising but incredible knack for description, and kicked some serious ass at Taboo despite it being his first time playing. Iris is both beautiful and intelligent, and an absolutely blast to hang out with — I hope to do so again soon. There were many other cool people that I got to talk to while there, but I’m really lousy with names and would rather not butcher them, so let me just say the folks over at Alpha Theta are definitely cool. After the initial “who the hell are you” phase of the first minute or so of being there, I felt really welcomed and in the company of good people for the rest of the evening, and that’s really something to value. ]

Less Broken

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Things are a bit better today. Mickey called (before reading my post or any sort of prompting, I should add), and we talked for a bit, which was good. I knew I was painting a bleaker picture than the reality, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was how I was feeling. So that was a good thing.

I slept in today, and ended up sleeping for around 11 hours, finally getting up around 1pm. I puttered about the house for a while, and then Mom got home with the mail, and I discovered that my application for a free subscription to Game Developer magazine had succeeded: August’s issue, including a disc containing the ATI Speakers and Presentations from GDC 2005. This really made me feel a lot better, and from there I gathered enough gumption to actually call and make appointments for hair cuts and oil changes, both of which I’d been putting off for quite some time. Being productive is a good feeling, even if it’s little things. And frankly, getting those two things accomplished made me feel more productive and functional than I’ve been in two weeks.

I helped Dad bring the futon downstairs and set up in the living room, and then went to lunch with Mike and April, got coffee, and then wandered over to Collis, where I’ve been hanging out the rest of the evening. It’s been a very quiet evening, which I kind of appreciate. JJ swung by for a little bit, as did Jasmine. Caroline came by and hung out/studied, which was nice (I haven’t mentioned her before because I haven’t known her that long or very well… something I would like to correct). Jasmine swung by again after her Aikido class, and that brings me to the present moment, where I’m sitting by myself in front of Collis on Dartmouth Campus in Hanover, New Hampshire, in the United States of America, North American Continent, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way Galaxy, Greater Magellanic Cluster, somewhere adrift in the Universe.

So, yeah, I’m doing a bit better today. The general consensus is that I need to get back into therapy. They’re probably right… but I doubt it’ll happen until I get back in September. I suppose I could go for a session or two before needing to drive west, though… we’ll see.

Broken

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All in all, I think I’ve been handling my current situation pretty well. I’ve made a point of going out and meeting new people, and trying to remain upbeat and thinking positively. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Lately, it’s been more of the latter than the former. There have been nights where I sit there, hands kneading my face, lacking the energy or capacity to say anything but “Fuck… shit.” Over and over. I’m so desperate to feel connected again (or more precisely, to not feel rejected) that I end up sabotaging my chances of success. Some days are really fucking hard, where it just starts to feel like nothing can go right or my way, and any time I think it’s going well, I should just wait a minute and it’ll change.

I’m told that it would be healthy and normal for me to yell and scream and cry and be bitter and vitriolic. It probably would be pretty cathartic. Instead, I’m fucking tired all the time. I simply don’t have the energy to give to it. I was just starting to feel confident in my abilities and myself, getting treatment for depression, getting on my feet when all this happened, out of the blue. I’m a fucking mess, and lately nothing has been helping, hence my radio silence (for the record, I don’t like writing these sorts of depressed, whiny posts, so I’ve been opting to not post at all). It doesn’t help that Mickey stopped calling, once she no longer had to in order to keep me informed about the house. I was in the hospital for two days back in April because of what she did. That bill finally came in, after being bounced around and processed by insurance, and after it’s all said and done, I owe several hundred dollars, which I don’t have. I called her to let her know… she never responded, until after three days when I tried calling her again. Not that it really matters, every call is the same: we talk about the house, we talk about the dog, she tells me what she’s been up to, and then I start telling her what I’ve been up to and we either get disconnected or one of her other friends calls and she has to go. Maybe it really is just a spot of bad luck that that’s how it goes every fucking time, but its frustrating to say the least. Because lord knows, it’s so fantastic to find out about all the exciting things she’s doing with her new boy and her new friends and her new life, and then not even be able to respond, assuming I even had the capability of being functional after that.

But hey, it’s for the best. Right?

I turned off comments because I just needed to complain for a bit. I’m sure that tomorrow, I’ll look at the post and realize how bleak and skewed a post it is and possibly even delete it, but sometimes you just gotta rant, you know?