Monthly Archives: May 2005

Progress is Cathartic

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Progress is finally being made, and that feels really good. The knot in my stomach is the closest to being loosened it’s been since I got out here. What caused the release? A few things… the big one is that Mickey and I have actually gotten a lot of the things we need to do done or started, which is a big load off my shoulders. I’ve emailed the realtor we bought the house through about selling the house, called and made an appointement for a consultation with a lawyer to make sure we’re doing the paperwork right and get it to say what we want it to say. Accounts are either switched or we know what needs to happen to switch them now. As it stands, I need to finish packing (doing portable storage, the container arrives Friday), and ship out what I need/want to ship back to Vermont, and sign a piece of paper at the bank.

There are other things that are making me less stressed, too. Mickey and her father (Hi Pete!) were kind enough to rent me a car so I can get around reasonably while out here, without relying on rides. Also, Mickey has agreed to at least try and not sleep with George while we’re dealing with this. (This is bigger than some of you might realize. Some might say, “Well, the relationship is already over, what does it matter if she sleeps with someone else?” And if we weren’t trying to salvage a friendship, you’d have a point. As it stands, that gesture of at least giving it a shot means a hell of a lot to me; it shows giving my feelings about it some consideration. It’s also not like I’m saying never see the guy again, either… it’s just while I’m out here and we’re dealing with the divorce.)

Yesterday was interesting. A lot of the anger and hurt about all this that I’ve been burying for the past two months finally boiled over. I flipped out, was screaming, crying, throwing things, and as much as I hate being angry like that, it was really cathartic to finally just get it out. I scared the dog and Mickey pretty well, though I didn’t do anything to them (I do NOT get angry at people. It’s a testament to Mickey knowing me that she was scared I was going to hurt myself or put something through a wall or a window, not that I was going to hurt her.) In either case, while draining, it felt good to get it out.

Later that evening, after Mickey went up to her friend’s house (we’re still not a point where we’re comfortable sleeping in the same house), I drew a bath and sat in it while music played off my computer a room over. When I was done, I closed my eyes and hit the drain stopper with my foot, and sat there as the water drained away around me, and let my worries wash away with them.

Progress is Cathartic.

Like a Tomb

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Earlier this afternoon, Uri brought me down to my house, and I started packing my belongings. Walking inside, the place was still and quiet, like a tomb. It’s clear that Mickey hasn’t been spending much time here, instead staying with George (yes, his name is “George”), or her friend Kiki. The whole atmosphere of the place just feels broken, like the spirit of the house knows what happened. The cupboards and fridge are nearly bare, Mickey hasn’t been grocery shopping in a while, it seems. The lawn is a forest, grass a foot and a half to two feet high, untouched since I mowed it shortly before I left.

Like I said, broken.

Packing has been fast. I have a decent pile of boxes filled and marked in the dining room, and I’m stalled where I am with no more packing materials available. I’ve sifted through boxes in the garage to find what’s mine, though there is still a bunch of artwork, posters, and pictures that still need to be sorted. Mickey and I need to sit down and sort through the movies, to decide who is keeping what. The anime, games, and my music has all been packed. The game systems have been packed, and the cd player, though not the stereo and speakers (yet). I haven’t even begun on my books, or any of the upstairs (my dresser, my closet, my office, my technical books), and I’m not inclined to start in on them until I have more boxes to pack into. The computers are still up and running as well, and will probably be one of the last things I pack, since it will involve a great deal of rearranging the network to connect to Mickey’s computer, and I’m positive there will still be things I’d like to access or print from the desktop in the meantime. I still need to decide whether I’m going to take the base station with me, or let her keep it as a router. I’m inclined to leave it, since both of my machines now are capable of 802.11G, so I might as well get a base station that can handle that. Also, since the base station’s MAC address is what’s registered with the cable company, it’ll save on connection headaches.

Mostly the reason the packing has been fast is that I haven’t paused to think about it. Now that I’m stopped for the day, it’s starting to sink in that I’m packing up my things because I’m no longer wanted by someone I gave a life commitment to. Fuck you, too, Mickey.

Anniversary Day

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Diving into the morass that I want to talk about, let me start by wishing my brother-in-law a happy birthday, and my cousins Ethan and Cortney a happy anniversary. I hope you all have a wonderful day with much love and happy times, only to be surpassed in the years to come.

It’s also my anniversary. Today marks two years since Mickey and I got married, on a rainy day in May at Squam. The pictures are still in the gallery, you’re welcome to look at them if you’d like. This year, however, it is sunny and hot here in Seattle, and Mickey and I are not even going to see each other today. Mickey has a busy day planned, picking up her friend Florence this afternoon, hanging out, going to the movies, and then driving down to Portland for the weekend. I won’t see her until Monday at the earliest, it seems. Instead, I’m spending time with Uri, and we’re currently over in Bellevue at Caffe Coccinella, my “regular” coffee shop out here.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve been thinking about what I want, what I need, and what I can and cannot have. I’ve been thinking about loneliness and the nature of solitude, and where I should go next. What are my goals, my dreams, my ideals; who am I, who do I want to be, who have I been in the past?

The short answer is that I don’t know.

What I want is to be loved, admired, respected. I want to get these ideas and feelings I have out into the air where they can be seen by others, and feel that connection that I keep on looking for. To whatever extent, I need this acceptance, this validation to feel good about myself. I need physical companionship in one fashion or another, which is why solitude (an inherently meditative and introspective experience) turns into loneliness (an inherently distracting and dependent experience). I’ve had that physical companionship, and I’ve been betrayed by it, rejected by it. I don’t really know if or when it will be alright again, though I hope sooner than later. Of course, I bring it upon myself, I suppose. My nature and personality is flexible and giving, which is very easily devolved into a form of co-dependence that I don’t really need or want.

So, back to the questions. Where should I go next. I’ve heard opinions ranging from “Player” to “Priest.” Neither extreme is really a solution that I’m entirely comfortable with nor desire. Opinions on where to physically go have also ranged, from staying in New England to moving back to Seattle, to going somewhere entirely new. I’ve thought about wandering off for a while and traveling to places I have not yet been before, as well as some old favorites. I’ve thought of going on a cruise, pampering myself a bit and seeing the world, I’ve thought of kayaking through the Keys, I’ve thought of backpacking through Europe, and studying Shinto in Japan. All of which have an appeal, and none of which are things I’m able to do right now, whether for financial reasons or timing reasons, or simple, pure fear of stepping back into the world without the safety net of family and friends. I am wounded, I will not argue otherwise, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to come limping out of my cave yet.

Pardon the angst-laden symbolism.

Well, what about my goals, my dreams, my ideals. My goal is to create. My dream is to do nothing, to simply exist and live and enjoy life, and create if and as I wish, when I wish. My ideal is to Never Hurry, Festina Lente (Make Haste Slowly). It’s the central philosophy of my life, the basis for how I wish to live, even if circumstances cause me to not. I have come to the conclusion that this is not something I should compromise on, and I must find someone who lives this life as well.

As for who I am: I am a talented person who is paralyzed by fear of both failure and success. It takes a lot for me to say, and not for the reasons you might think. Who I want to be is someone who is fulfilling his potential and savoring every second of life because of that. Who I have been is a bitter person, caught up on the frustrations of being alone, being depressed, and angry at himself for not being able to connect with others.

All of which brings me no closer to an answer, which is kind of the point. I simply don’t know where to go next. I have realized that I have what my brother and friend Mike call “One-itis”, namely getting enamored with someone and deciding that THEY are “the one,” instead of simply appreciating and enjoying their company for whatever it’s worth. I am a hopeless romantic, and to quote Shakespeare, I “loved not wisely, but too well.” This has always been a problem for me, and it’s time I put a stop to it. There is nothing wrong with dating someone, or even sleeping with someone that I don’t necessarily want to spend the rest of my life with, and giving my heart so freely toward that end has done nothing but hurt me in the long run. I do not wish to become a player, but a middle ground might be nice.

Life Updates

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It’s always difficult in deciding what to say and what to not, and balancing the desire to write with the realization that doing so would be nothing more than a screaming, ranting pile of angst over the divorce. While there might be some entertainment there, it’s really not what I want to do, nor who I want to be, so instead, some sporadic updates for a while, as I get my life in order.

Washington, DC was a lot of fun, spent hanging out with Tegan and her friend Hannah, as well as an adventurous trip to Franklin’s in Hyattsville to have dinner with Hawk, Katy, Mel, Tim, and the three of us. (The adventure being me getting us off on the wrong metro stop and hoofing it about two miles.) The trip ended with me driving back north to immediately get in line for Episode III of Star Wars, a feat I managed to pull off through the kindness of Eli and Pia, who picked me up a ticket when they found out I wouldn’t make it up in time to get one myself.

Thursday I finally got to sleep a little, and Friday I went down to Boston, in order to see Mickey in the morning. I’m not going to get into details, but suffice it to say that I was a mess by the end of it. I managed to make it back to the Upper Valley safely, and immediately went and hung out with friends, which was arguably the sanest thing I could have done.

Tonight, I’m doing coffee with Mariah, which I’m looking forward to, then probably heading down to see Tegan. This is essentially my last night in town before flying out to Seattle to start packing and initiating divorce proceedings, so I’d really like to see people before I go. (Tomorrow evening I’ll be around for dinner, then gone to Manchester to sleep in a hotel so I don’t miss my 6am flight.)

Which brings me to what’s happening next: I’ll be back in Seattle starting Wednesday, and going on indefinitely — however long it takes to get our affairs in order. It might be a week or two, might be a month. It’s going to be a stressful and painful time, and I’d appreciate any supportive contact or thoughts I can get. I’ll be spending part of the time at the house, the other part crashing on a couch at my brother’s place. Call me, email me, IM me, comment here or in the LJ, whatever works best for you, I just need the support right now and I don’t care how I get it. I hope to see you all soon.

In DC

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I’m in Washington, DC at the moment, hanging out with Tegan and Hannah. We’re in Rossalyn, and will be around and available all day tomorrow. Current plans involve dinner at Frankin’s at 7ish tomorrow, and then probably going dancing. Anyone who is in the area is welcome to come along, just leave me a comment and I’ll try to catch up to you.

[See, not every post is pages long.]

On Relationships

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As I’m sure all three of my readers are aware by now, Mickey and I are getting divorced, but still care about each other and are going to do our damnedest to remain friends after all this. So without getting into the gory details (there are parents present, and such), let me explain where things are in my head, about relationships at least.

In an ideal world, I’d like to have some sort of relationship with Mickey, but what shape that relationship takes is really up in the air. We both agree that there’s still attraction and some chemistry there, and I don’t see why we can’t work with that, albeit later, once the whole mess has become slightly less painful and stressing. I’ve come to terms with the fact that we’re getting divorced (accepting doesn’t mean I like it, just that I acknowledge that it’s going to happen), but I’m not really sure I’m ready to actually move on.

Mickey HAS moved on, at least in respect to seeing other people. I’m still working on coming to terms with that, and I fluctuate between being okay (not fine, but okay) with it and getting that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach. I’m glad she’s being honest with me about it, though, as there’s been enough deceit happening and that just puts a strain on being able to remain friends. (Remember, boys and girls, lying always hurts more.)

There is, in fact, a point to me bringing this up, and it’s not just to air dirty laundry. Mickey wants me to be able to fool around as well. Since she’s not being monogamous, she doesn’t see why I should have to be. And to a certain extent, I see where she’s coming from, though there is a small voice in the back of my head whispering “You made a commitment, and it’s not officially done yet.” So instead of actually going out and getting laid, I’ve been hanging out with several attractive young ladies and flirting madly with them. It’s not a matter of “ooh, grunt grunt, wanna play,” so much as these are people I’ve been interested in for some time now, and now feel validated in pursuing. Especially since Mickey’s given explicit written permission for me to do so, and I’ve kept her in the loop as to what if anything has happened. [Aside:Which is sort of the difference between cheating on someone, and having an open relationship: awareness and communication.]

So now I’m left up in the air as to what to do, whether I should actually follow through on the desire to fool around, or stick to the [self?]righteous high road. All I know right now is that: 1) I do not want a serious commitment again any time soon, and 2) I’d like my next relationship to be flexible about polyamory. For what it’s worth, Mickey’s claiming the same about not wanting a serious commitment any time soon. She may be dating again, but she says she has NO wish to be anyone’s girlfriend right now.

This may have been too much information, I apologize if so, but I wanted to share what’s going on in my head. Oh, also worth noting: I’ll be in DC for a few days next week, and I got a new computer yesterday. That’ll be a separate post, though.

Well Wishes

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I just wanted to say really quickly, Happy Mother’s Day, Mom, and Happy Birthday, Mickey. I love ya both. Hope it’s a good day for both of you.

Quick Thoughts

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Artichokes are tragic. We eat their hearts.

There is a tree just up the road from my parents house that has fallen over from its own weight and the waterlogged ground. It’s laid out down the hill, the root ball sticking into the air. It’s still alive, and the leaves are out on it.

Dobra

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I’m sitting in a tea house in Burlington at the moment, a place called Dobra Tea. They brought us a book for a menu, and the overall atmosphere of the place is really mellow and relaxed. I’m barefoot, sitting on a cushion around a low table, a soft warm light providing just enough light to provide for reading or talking. The music is mellow and relaxed, a fusion of ethnic beats and ambient techno, “chill out” music to a fault.

I came up here with Eli, Pia, and Pia’s older sister, Tegan. It seemed like a good idea, and by and large I’d say it was. I enjoy their company, and the atmosphere here. I’ve known Tegan for perhaps a week, and hung out only perhaps three days total, but already I’m glad to know her. She’s an artist, and interested in doing character design work, and I’ve promised to help her refine her portfolio for submission. Uri and I both feel that she’s well suited to the field and would do quite well in that sort of position out in either Seattle or the Bay Area.

Mickey and I are progressing through our own ways of dealing with the situation. I very much want to find a way that we can continue to share each other’s company despite the divorce. Honesty and communication, I am convinced, are the key. Maybe I’m a freak, but despite everything that has happened, I still want her in my life. One way or another, life will be different. On a semi-related note, Peter has withdrawn his images from the gallery, so I hope you got a chance to see them while they were still up, as they were really quite exquisite. We’ll see whether I can convince him to bring them back (just because he’ll no longer be my father in law doesn’t mean that I can’t still provide a space for him to display his work. It’s worth showing).

After a pretty long and involved conversation last night, Mickey sent me an email this afternoon that made me feel really good. She wrote up the “Top 10 Reasons You Should Date Nabil”, and it really felt good to see what she liked about me. I don’t know, I suppose it’s an ego stroke, but sometimes (like after this), it’s really good to get the ego stroked. It says (to me) that even though she doesn’t want to be with me anymore as a spouse, I do have a lot going for me. Perhaps she’ll post it somewhere, or give the okay for me to, because it really is gratifying.