All Quiet on the Eastern Front

It’s fairly rare that I write a post in the morning, mostly because I’m generally fairly nocturnal, and as such don’t do much of anything in the morning. That said, I’m down in Providence at the moment, and didn’t really feel like sleeping anymore, for whatever reason. So rather than wake anyone up, I crept out of the bed, showered, and am sitting in the kitchen on my computer, killing time until others wake up or arrive. The flaw, of course, is that the others are nocturnal too, and it could well be hours before they’re awake.

I don’t really have a lot to say, so I suppose this is a bit of a nothing post, but it seemed like the thing to do, and here I am. In relation to my previous post’s “secret project”, that would be that I’m now guest-blogging over at Applegeeks, writing for a new section they’ve added about Apple-related chatter. It’s not a pay gig, but it still feels really nice to be invited to do such a thing, and I definitely look forward to continuing. For now, I’m trying to do a new post each week discussing a different Mac developer as a regular thing, and probably posting other things on a more sporadic basis. Of course, I’m going to need to “write ahead” a bit to deal with the time I’m taking off to get some OTHER writing done, but that’s fine.

It’s interesting watching the change in light as the morning has progressed. The early morning light was delightful and refreshing, and then quickly became stronger, with sharply contrasted shadows on the buildings. The sky was mostly sunny with the occasional tuft of clouds, though in traditional weathergod mode, as my mood darkened, it clouded over. (I’m dealing with some bank stupidity involving an eaten ATM card at the moment, which my father is graciously helping facilitate while I’m away.) As I work to regain my composure and relax, it’s started to get sunny again.

I realize that the likelihood of my actually affecting the weather in a noticeable fashion is relatively small, but that is the nature of magic — it stems from belief, and from the conundrum that if you observe a connection between two things that plausibly shouldn’t have a connection, there is a possibility (however slight) that they are in fact actually connected somehow. The main difference between magic and science is that science covers the ones we’ve already managed to explain. And besides, it’s fun to think I’m altering the weather through my mood. It’s worth noting that the most mild and sunny winter on record for Seattle was the winter that my brother and I were both in Seattle and I was in generally good, mellow spirits.

Gah, I’d really like to go downstairs for a cup of coffee, but I wouldn’t be able to get back in the building without waking someone else up.

Of Birthdays and Boots

As a birthday present to myself, I spoke with a friend at Microsoft, and bought a new copy of Windows XP Professional SP2 via employee discount (if you haven’t heard about this… the general rule of thumb is that you pay roughly 10% of the retail cost on any program they offer… so a $300 program is $30. Hella handy if you know someone who works there). I think most of you already know where I’m going with this: as of today, I’m now dualbooting on my MacBook Pro… it’s a 120gb drive, split 85/35 (Mac/Windows). I’ve only just barely finished installing all the updates that have accrued since the version pressed to disk, along with a few basics (Firefox, various media players). Once I have free time again, I’m planning to install a some things:

  • Unreal Tournament 2004 (so I can do some mod and level work… it’s worth pointing out that the Mac port of UT2k4 doesn’t come with UnrealEd)
  • Half-Life 2 (also for access to the modding and level building capabilities…)
  • Anarchy Online (I’m using a free account, and like logging in every once in a while)
  • Final Fantasy XI (I have an account there, including monthly fee, but have been out of town so much and busy when I AM here that I simply haven’t even had a chance to log in for probably a month and a half or two months… hoping to correct that this way)
  • XNA (I received a beta and demo disk while at GDC, figure it might be worth checking out)

It’s worth noting that I MAY also pick up Oblivion at some point, at which point that’d be going on there as well. That’s a big if, though; until I actually land a job, I need to watch my spending. As far as games go, there are a slew out there that I’d like to pick up, but simply can’t justify right now, especially since I have TWO pay-per-month games on my roster right now (FFXI and World of Warcraft… which I’ll continue to play on the Mac side). I may end up finally dropping FFXI, but I’ve been holding out mostly to see what they do with the expansion that is coming out shortly.

My birthday weekend I spent in Providence, not doing a whole heck of a lot. It was a work weekend for both Erica and I (not that I actually got much done *cough*), and then my actual birthday I spent driving back north to Vermont (but not without getting a parking ticket in Providence), followed by dinner with my parents. I was hoping to hang out with folks in the Upper Valley for a while after dinner, but by then I was completely wiped out, and instead opted to drive home and head to bed. I’m now officially in my mid-20s (25), and I’m simultaneously struck by the wide variety of things I’ve seen and done, and how few things I have to actually show for it.

GDC 2006 Confirmed

I’ve just completed making arrangements to attend the Game Developer’s Conference 2006. This is not an inexpensive trip by any means… between the conference itself, airfare, and hotel fees, I am already looking at well over $3000. That said, the potential opportunities and contacts I can make while there are invaluable, so I don’t feel bad about, just… drained, financially speaking.

For those who might want to know:
I fly into San Jose on Friday, March 17th a little after 5pm. I’ll be staying at the San Jose Doubletree from then until Monday, March 27th, when I fly back east. I’ll be busy with tutorials and the conference from 10am to 6pm Monday through Friday, but my time before and after is free, and I’d love to see people.

I’m both excited and nervous as hell about this. And most things, lately.

Seattle, Montpelier, and Me

I’m in Seattle again, this time having flown out to help Uri pack and to collect some things out of my storage unit. Every time I come out here I’m reminded why I moved out here in the first place, how appealing the feel of the place is to me. I still hate the traffic, though. Uri has shared a similar sentiment, yet he’s also moving out of Seattle… he and I are renting a house in Montpelier, Vermont, with our friends Andy and Kate. In fact, we officially moved in about a week ago.

This might seem rather abrupt to some of you… that’s because it IS abrupt. Uri has spent the past month living in Brooklyn with Andy, and while there, the idea of moving to Montpelier just sort of got tossed into the air. They looked into it briefly, and managed to find an awesome old house just off Vermont College campus, and so they decided to go for it. I found out about all this when they happened to swing through town on their way up to check it out, and ended up volunteering to go in on it, which made it financially more feasible for everyone (splitting the rent four ways is much better than splitting it in thirds). The whole thing just sort of happened all in the course of about a week and a half.

While naturally I’m a little nervous about it all, and was enjoying the free rent at my parents’ house, I think this will prove to be a beneficial move. I’ll be splitting my time (most of my time in Montpelier, a few days at my parents, playing with the dog and such — Freya is staying with them, more room to play, more stable routine), which I think will help me organize my time for my upcoming (final!) semester. Also, I’ll have broadband in Montpelier, and will be setting up my game systems, which should prove useful given the topic of my semester (game design).

I’m getting back from Seattle on Tuesday morning, and then will be heading down to UberCon VI the following weekend. I was really waffling about going or not, as I think it might be nice to catch up with some of the folks down there, and can just go to enjoy myself since I’m not attending as staff. Any help I end up offering will be entirely at my choosing (which, knowing me, will be quite a bit… that’s not the point, though), so I think it’ll be a lot more fun. The final deciding factor was that my friend Tiffany was interested in attending as well, so this gives me that last bit of an excuse. I’ve only told one or two people that I’m attending, and I don’t think any of the usual UCers read my blog with any regularity, so I’m hoping to surprise them.

I’m hoping to get back into the groove on blogging regularly, but I’m not going to hold my breath… if it happens, awesome. I think it would be good for me, though. Once I get the computers and broadband hooked up at the house, I think that process will be a bit easier. Time will tell.

Improve Thyself

I’m back home now, freshly and officially divorced. Freya is adjusting well to her new home. Maybe it’s just shellshock, but I feel pretty resolved, finally… the actual divorce (all 5 minutes of it) seemed to bring a certain amount of closure, which is appreciated. Despite all the stress and tension over the past few months, Mickey and I managed to part friends, and I wish her the best with her life.

As for me, I’m on a bit of a self-improvement kick. I’ve hung out with usual crowd the past two nights (since I got back), and I’m just not feeling like I’m fitting in, and I’m kind of ready to get into a more productive mode. Even girl watching isn’t all that appealing right now. I just want to dive into all the things I’ve wanted to do, but didn’t for various reasons. I purchased my books for the upcoming semester yesterday from Amazon, and I’m looking forward to jumping head first into the topic. I also went over to Borders today and ended up picking up O’Reilly’s Learning Java, and Killer Game Programming for Java, plus a collection of Kanji Cards and a introduction to Japanese course (book and 8 discs).

I’m looking into the possibility of auditing a programming course at Dartmouth… I need to talk to Admissions tomorrow about what the process will be to do it. I’m also looking into taking ballroom dance classes with my friend Liz. I definitely need to haul ass on these, since the Dartmouth semester starts soon and dance classes start the 22nd.

The last time I felt like this was three years ago.

In other news, the more I read about the next generation consoles, the more I want to develop for the Nintendo Revolution. Here are a few reasons why. On a related note, I’m currently working on building a backlog of essays for Critical Games, and will be reviving the site once I get a few weeks ahead (I want to post an essay a week, and want at least a month’s buffer).

Back and Forth

I’m currently in Seattle, and will be for the next few days; the court date for the divorce is Monday at 1:30pm. This is a pretty stressful time, and I’m trying to keep things low key. I’m sitting at Caffe Coccinella, drinking white velvets (it’s a white chocolate mocha latte), and in theory will be having dinner with Mickey this evening. I’m planning to head down to Portland tomorrow to hang out with Dano, and then seeing Mickey again on Sunday. Monday, we deal with the last few things we needed to deal with, and then have the court date (my car is also getting serviced, but we can drop it off anytime, and collect it after the divorce, since we’ll be down in that area anyway). Monday night is anyone’s guess, and then Tuesday I head back east.

God, I wish this was over…

The Power of Posting Compels You!

I’m not sure if folks have noticed, but despite my recent lackluster and whiny posting lately, there are several new readers, which makes me happy. As much as having friends and family post, it also feels good to know that people you don’t know are not only discovering you, but finding your work worthwhile enough to comment. It’s a bit of a warm fuzzy, and thanks for it.

This has been one hell of a summer, and I’m frankly looking forward to it being over. It started back in April with my marriage abruptly falling apart, continued on into family deaths in June and August, and has wrapped up with selling my house and needing to drive out to Seattle to finalize the divorce and collect Freya (my dog).

Things are showing the potential of shaping up, however. Maybe it’s the crisp air (my favorite time to be in New England is August into early October), but I’m finally starting to feel like my head is clearing, and I’m feeling a little less desparate for a relationship, and ready to actually focus on the things I want to do with my life. While I’m broke at the moment, we managed to sell the house for a pretty decent profit, which means that I’ll be able to pay for my final semester of school and get things back on track. And before you say it, I know that I should treat that money as capital towards another investment, not spending cash, and I intend to do that with most of it (probably putting the majority into a money market or a short term CD while I finish school).

I came to something of a revelation last night while hanging out with friends, namely to not play the game. The things that bother me I should simply ignore, rather than letting myself get dragged into the same arguments over and over. This may sound like common logic, but it really does feel different when it actually strikes you, and you realize you’re just as much at fault for escalating it as they are for doing it. I’m sort of feeling done with the area, which isn’t exactly a great feeling to have when you’re about to settle in for the winter.

My family reunion was this past weekend; I was sick for most it, and thus not really up for chatting as much as I might have liked. It was still fun though, and nice to see faces from 5 or 10 years ago. I was supposed to start driving to Seattle yesterday, but a few days prior to that, Mickey called me up and told me that we could do a power of attorney for the sale so I wouldn’t have to rush out (which was something we discussed briefly several months ago, but apparently she’d completely forgotten about until talking to her father). So instead of starting my drive and then scrambling to find a place to stay for two+ weeks out in Seattle with no money, in theory I should now be able to stay here until probably the 5th, when I need to leave in order to make it out for our court date on the 12th, and to pick up the dog. This makes things considerably easier, and holds at least the potential of receiving my share of the house settlement before I have to start driving (which would make the return trip not only easier, but possible… one semester’s tuition doesn’t go far when you’re paying for anti-depressants and therapy bills and replacing a dead computer plus day to day living expenses like gas and food).

Speaking of the trip, I randomly heard from my friend Berrian, so I may go visit her on my way out, and if she’s interested, drag her along. It’s been years since I actually saw her, so it’d definitely be an experience. In either case, I’m really looking forward to seeing her again (four years is a long time). I’m supposed to give her a call next week to figure things out.

Dobra Redux

I’m back up at Dobra, for my third time. Jasmine needed a ride up to Burlington to pick up her car, so I took it as an excuse to spend some time with my friend, and to make it back over here. The atmosphere remains relaxed and laid back, as ever. The music is ecclectic but mellow, and the entire space just makes you feel more calm and at peace.

Which I definitely needed. I wish I could bottle up that calming essence and bring it with me, because lord knows I haven’t been this collected in ages. Even on the drive up, I was frustrated and upset, despite the excellent company and conversation. I’ve been lousy at communicating lately, with everyone including myself. I still can’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling, and I’m somewhat loathe to just dive in, lest the miscommunication continues. I do think I need to try, however, so take this caveat for what it’s worth.

I have been quick to care for others, and have been criticized for this lately, that I’m trying to fill the gap left by the divorce. Well, I’ve always been quick to love, this is not anything new. Those that I take an interest in I’m taking an interest in for a reason, and despite the occasional evening where I may sound like it, that reason isn’t sex. What I’m looking for is unconditional acceptance. I want to be wanted, someone to be unabashed about their feelings. The last time I felt that, I married the girl. And now she’s moved on, and that’s the rejection that I feel, that’s the void I want to fill. I feel like the last kid picked.

I lay my heart on the table; this is who I am. I am intensely earnest about life, and that includes my emotions: regardless of whether anything is done with that information, I would rather get how I feel out in the open. I know this changes perceptions and interactions, but I would rather deal with that than hide my emotions. I realize this is probably not a common sentiment, but I feel false to not get it out there.

I bitch about how it seems like every girl who shows any interest that I’m interested in ends up having a boyfriend (I’ve begun calling it the Probabilistic Theory of Attraction: the more I’m attracted to a girl, the higher the probability of her having a boyfriend. At a certain point that probability reaches a level of certitude that a boyfriend will spontaneously come into existence). I’m not actually upset that a girl has a boyfriend, and in fact I think it’s great that they have someone and are loyal to them despite any interest they might have shown or admitted to me (yes, some of the time they do in fact admit it, it’s not like I’m being a delusional twit and thinking every girl “wants me” just because they smile at me when I say hi). I do feel a little bitter because it happens so consistently and compounds with everything else that’s been happening, and it just makes me feel like I can’t get a break. So, chill out, and let me have my rant, and keep in mind that I do in fact know it’s not as bad as all that, and any bitterness in my voice isn’t directed at the person at all.

Yes, I’m still broken. Yes, I appreciate the company and the well wishes and the support. It doesn’t stop me from feeling alone and hurt sometimes, but it does help, and I do appreciate it more than I sometimes say. I’m also aware that I’m extremely dysfunctional lately, and haven’t really accomplished much of anything. Hell, even just making appointments for a haircut and an oil change made me feel more accomplished than I had in weeks. I feel like I have to some extent wasted my summer, and despite whether or not I had “good reason,” I still wish I’d been more productive. It doesn’t help that lately every time I’ve tried studying or doing anything productive, I feel driven to distraction and unable to focus, and my head starts throbbing. Perhaps it’s my body telling me I should be working on more internal things, but that doesn’t stop me wishing otherwise.

Anyway, battery is getting low, so I guess that’s enough rambling for now. Thanks for listening and taking it all with a grain of salt.