As I’m sure all three of my readers are aware by now, Mickey and I are getting divorced, but still care about each other and are going to do our damnedest to remain friends after all this. So without getting into the gory details (there are parents present, and such), let me explain where things are in my head, about relationships at least.
In an ideal world, I’d like to have some sort of relationship with Mickey, but what shape that relationship takes is really up in the air. We both agree that there’s still attraction and some chemistry there, and I don’t see why we can’t work with that, albeit later, once the whole mess has become slightly less painful and stressing. I’ve come to terms with the fact that we’re getting divorced (accepting doesn’t mean I like it, just that I acknowledge that it’s going to happen), but I’m not really sure I’m ready to actually move on.
Mickey HAS moved on, at least in respect to seeing other people. I’m still working on coming to terms with that, and I fluctuate between being okay (not fine, but okay) with it and getting that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach. I’m glad she’s being honest with me about it, though, as there’s been enough deceit happening and that just puts a strain on being able to remain friends. (Remember, boys and girls, lying always hurts more.)
There is, in fact, a point to me bringing this up, and it’s not just to air dirty laundry. Mickey wants me to be able to fool around as well. Since she’s not being monogamous, she doesn’t see why I should have to be. And to a certain extent, I see where she’s coming from, though there is a small voice in the back of my head whispering “You made a commitment, and it’s not officially done yet.” So instead of actually going out and getting laid, I’ve been hanging out with several attractive young ladies and flirting madly with them. It’s not a matter of “ooh, grunt grunt, wanna play,” so much as these are people I’ve been interested in for some time now, and now feel validated in pursuing. Especially since Mickey’s given explicit written permission for me to do so, and I’ve kept her in the loop as to what if anything has happened. [Aside:Which is sort of the difference between cheating on someone, and having an open relationship: awareness and communication.]
So now I’m left up in the air as to what to do, whether I should actually follow through on the desire to fool around, or stick to the [self?]righteous high road. All I know right now is that: 1) I do not want a serious commitment again any time soon, and 2) I’d like my next relationship to be flexible about polyamory. For what it’s worth, Mickey’s claiming the same about not wanting a serious commitment any time soon. She may be dating again, but she says she has NO wish to be anyone’s girlfriend right now.
This may have been too much information, I apologize if so, but I wanted to share what’s going on in my head. Oh, also worth noting: I’ll be in DC for a few days next week, and I got a new computer yesterday. That’ll be a separate post, though.