More Rambling

More rambling. I’ve been putting off finishing my semester… I don’t know why. I suppose because that means time is moving forward, and that unsettles me. Or something. I suppose I should work on that sometime this weekend and next week, instead of what I’ve been working on: learning Flash and the VPP website (in that order).

Why am I so scared of completion? If I wanted to get philosophical (and regardless of desire, I often do), I suppose it could be related to the rushing of society and my fear of getting caught up in it. Or perhaps it is that it reminds me that I’m getting older. I take stock of my life and feel that I haven’t really grown or advanced since high school. Early to mid high school at that. I could try to defend myself from myself about that, but there’d really be no point. That is how I initially feel — it is only afterword, after I think this way that I can then come up with reasons that it’s not true. What’s up with that.

The girl across the room is making eyes at me… or maybe making eyes at my pda setup. I’m not sure, nor do I think it really matters. Just noting it. I also just got stopped by an elderly couple at the next table over who were amazed at my setup. I explained it all, I’m not sure if they understood though.

I think I already mentioned that I picked up an external flash for my D60. I picked up a 550EX, which is supposedly the best flash for this camera out there. We’ll see: I don’t really know what I’m doing with it yet: I’ll need to do some reading and some playing. We’ll see.

Sipping my Chai. It’s good, hot chai. Rolls around on the tongue, scalds briefly as it rushes down my throat and warms my insides. Out of a paper cup.

I’ve been doing a little work for Ubercon lately (finally!). Not a lot, I still feel like a slacker with it, my subconscious neglecting to remember that I’ve already contributed a number of ideas and a significant amount of cash. I’ve emailed Gabe and Tycho about advertising on Penny Arcade: we’ll see what comes of it. I hope I don’t get yelled at for overstepping my bounds. (I don’t know what I’d do if I did get yelled at… probably get pissy and tell them to fuck off.) I also hope that it works and that I didn’t come off as unprofessional or give the PA guys a bad impression. Just my normal insecurities, I’m sure.

Back to the photography thing: something to think about: foliage in fog. I should really go out with my camera sometime soon and see if I can get some good shots. If I can.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with my photography. Do I want to pursue it as a career or not? In some ways, it’d be a fulfilling and fun lifestyle, provided I was successful. BUT, do I really want to do it for a profession? Or just relegate it to the occasional art piece and hobbyist photography. Go pursue other venues. I just don’t know. I’m inclined at this point to relegate it to the backburner, but is that because I’m afraid of committing? It just feels like I’m getting sucked into that arena right now, regardless of my longer term ideas and goals. No one to blame for feeling that way but myself, though.

I’d really like to pursue video games as art next semester. Examine studiously the craft of designing levels. Make some myself. Look at them from an artistic viewpoint. But at the same time, it’d be nice to add a math credit to the study… perhaps add logarithms to it (bot paths and AI run on logarithms).

But maybe I’m jumping ahead of myself, and I should instead devote a semester to learning 3d modelling. Studio class. Just a thought.

Update: looks like the girl across the room has started to flirt with a guy nearby… guess she was just looking for friendly banter, and decided he was closer. Or more appealing. Or something.

None of my friends are out tonight, it seems. C’est la vie. Fuck ’em.

Suddenly I feel uneasy, and take a large swig of chai to appease it. Grandiose gestures to assuage the feelings of inadequacy and loneliness.