I’m back up at Dobra, for my third time. Jasmine needed a ride up to Burlington to pick up her car, so I took it as an excuse to spend some time with my friend, and to make it back over here. The atmosphere remains relaxed and laid back, as ever. The music is ecclectic but mellow, and the entire space just makes you feel more calm and at peace.
Which I definitely needed. I wish I could bottle up that calming essence and bring it with me, because lord knows I haven’t been this collected in ages. Even on the drive up, I was frustrated and upset, despite the excellent company and conversation. I’ve been lousy at communicating lately, with everyone including myself. I still can’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling, and I’m somewhat loathe to just dive in, lest the miscommunication continues. I do think I need to try, however, so take this caveat for what it’s worth.
I have been quick to care for others, and have been criticized for this lately, that I’m trying to fill the gap left by the divorce. Well, I’ve always been quick to love, this is not anything new. Those that I take an interest in I’m taking an interest in for a reason, and despite the occasional evening where I may sound like it, that reason isn’t sex. What I’m looking for is unconditional acceptance. I want to be wanted, someone to be unabashed about their feelings. The last time I felt that, I married the girl. And now she’s moved on, and that’s the rejection that I feel, that’s the void I want to fill. I feel like the last kid picked.
I lay my heart on the table; this is who I am. I am intensely earnest about life, and that includes my emotions: regardless of whether anything is done with that information, I would rather get how I feel out in the open. I know this changes perceptions and interactions, but I would rather deal with that than hide my emotions. I realize this is probably not a common sentiment, but I feel false to not get it out there.
I bitch about how it seems like every girl who shows any interest that I’m interested in ends up having a boyfriend (I’ve begun calling it the Probabilistic Theory of Attraction: the more I’m attracted to a girl, the higher the probability of her having a boyfriend. At a certain point that probability reaches a level of certitude that a boyfriend will spontaneously come into existence). I’m not actually upset that a girl has a boyfriend, and in fact I think it’s great that they have someone and are loyal to them despite any interest they might have shown or admitted to me (yes, some of the time they do in fact admit it, it’s not like I’m being a delusional twit and thinking every girl “wants me” just because they smile at me when I say hi). I do feel a little bitter because it happens so consistently and compounds with everything else that’s been happening, and it just makes me feel like I can’t get a break. So, chill out, and let me have my rant, and keep in mind that I do in fact know it’s not as bad as all that, and any bitterness in my voice isn’t directed at the person at all.
Yes, I’m still broken. Yes, I appreciate the company and the well wishes and the support. It doesn’t stop me from feeling alone and hurt sometimes, but it does help, and I do appreciate it more than I sometimes say. I’m also aware that I’m extremely dysfunctional lately, and haven’t really accomplished much of anything. Hell, even just making appointments for a haircut and an oil change made me feel more accomplished than I had in weeks. I feel like I have to some extent wasted my summer, and despite whether or not I had “good reason,” I still wish I’d been more productive. It doesn’t help that lately every time I’ve tried studying or doing anything productive, I feel driven to distraction and unable to focus, and my head starts throbbing. Perhaps it’s my body telling me I should be working on more internal things, but that doesn’t stop me wishing otherwise.
Anyway, battery is getting low, so I guess that’s enough rambling for now. Thanks for listening and taking it all with a grain of salt.
What you said about unconditional acceptance struck a good nerve, so I thought I would pipe up. I want to be clear about where I’m coming from, though. I found your blog from Hawk’s personal site over at Apple Geeks. I am a 24-year old Baha’i and was in the process of finishing up the Dawnbreakers when I noticed your name in the corner of Hawk’s site. I read through some of your posts, including your essay on religion. I was raised Jewish, although my father is a Baha’i. I’m a geek, I’m white, middle class and raised and educated in the urban midwest, though I’ve spent a lot of time in rural Minnesota. Now on to my comments.
I can’t think of anything more precious than unconditional acceptance. Unlike your description in the fourth paragraph, I am a fairly quiet introvert. I don’t offer a lot by way of what’s going on inside my heart, although I am quite loving, and love to tell personal stories if they don’t require too much personal risk. Lately, a woman has been teaching me to speak honestly whatever is inside my heart, and she did it in the following way: As I revealed to her bits and pieces of my life, she unconditionally celebrated and encouraged the things I shared. Embarassing moments in my sexual history? Choices I made that I am ashamed of? She met everything I had to say with wonder and encouragement. I think this unconditional acceptance is a central part of what it means to love. Love is an abiding force in the universe. We confuse a lot of other things for it, but the bottom line is that love doesn’t go anywhere. That thing which is actually, truly love will exist forever between people. I don’t say that to be saccharine or darling. Only that I think we often grow up with a mistaken understanding of love, and I’m realizing that the part of human interactions which can rightfully be called love is something eternal and abiding. The idea of unconditional acceptance, from where I’m sitting, grows out of this idea of love as ever-abiding. Since I recognize that I love you, and will continue to love you forever, I can accept anything. My point isn’t coming across very well, so I’m going to let someone else talk:
“Who else is there in the world that can accept me the way I am, overlook all the silly things one does and see the person beneath all that? For everyone else you have to be strong, or caring, or busy and productive, or something else; for Amelia I could just BE.”
These ideas all relate, in my head, to the Universal House of Justice’s idea of “a culture of encouragement.” To that end, I thought this link might also be interesting. None of this has anything to do with helping you resolve your feeling broken, but that probably wasn’t my role to begin with. I would suggest that there is a reason that successfully scheduling a hair cut and an oil change felt like such accomplishments. My father, as well as a Catholic-Buddhist-shepherd from Minnesota, taught me that doing the basic work of our lives: sweeping out the barn, cleaning the bathroom, taking a walk… can help our hearts and heads knit themselves back together. At those times when I am sunk in a depression, my father’s advice comes back to me and I try to sweep the floor, or clean the toilet. Sometimes it helps my body find it’s center.