or, 200 Posts About Nothing.

I started this blog in fall of 2001, with Movable Type 2.45. It is now 2005, and I’m running Movable Type 3.15. The site has undergone dozens of little tweaks, half a dozen redesigns, and one major reconstruction (nadreck.org to nadreck.criticalgames.com). And this, this is my 200th Post.

In retrospect, I’m not entirely sure what the point of the past 200 posts was. I recently had occasion to go through my old entries, and while there were occasional good vignettes of writing, on the whole there wasn’t anything there. It was self-indulgent shit, that didn’t really enlighten or encourage anyone, including myself. I was a personal blog that wanted to be something more, and it never happened. I deluded myself into thinking that if I wrote it, “they” would come. I wrote in order to feel validated. Because I’m selfish.

After my third redesign in as many weeks, I realized I had a problem. I was dissatisfied with myself and my output, and was manifesting my dissatisfaction and frustration by radically changing the design of the site. There is some part of me that honestly believes that if I just come up with the right design, people will come, people will read, people will respond, and I’ll feel validated. That’s bullshit, of course, but it’s the sort of bullshit that depressed people cling to. We build up these complex placebic ideas so we have something to blame being depressed on. I’ve said it myself and I’ve heard plenty of others say it as well (or something like it): “If I could only , then I’d be happy!”; “If I had , I’d finally get ouf this funk!”

Which is all bullshit. We might feel happy for a little while if we finally achieve one of these goals, mostly because we’ve built it up too much in our minds for there not to be SOME effect. But it doesn’t last. And I’m digressing.

My point is that I’m tired of looking for validation. I’m also tired of being self-indulgent. Something needs to change, and it’s a lot bigger than just a site design (which will probably change, too). My entries have slowed to a trickle, and even when I post, they are lackluster life updates.

I’ve decided to take the blog on hiatus, until I can get my head on straight and start having something to say again. That’s not to say there won’t be the occasional post, and backend work (see my previous post about Drupal, for instance), but I’m giving up the ghost about it being with regularity. There are other things I need to be focusing on. I’ve also decided (short of a miracle occurring that makes me want to stay) that once my involvement with UberCon ends this summer, I’ll be retiring from AVATAR, as well. I’m starting a depression treatment tomorrow morning (Prozac, if anyone is curious… had a doctor’s appointment today). I’m taking back my life, because I’m sick of being me.