Writing in the Evening

There will be a music post that will go up sometime later tonight (you know, after I write it), but for now, other things:

I’ve been writing a lot lately. Every morning, I get up early, and drive in to work, usually get there by 7:15 for an 8 o’clock shift. This is mostly because if I wait, the traffic gets far heavier and far more variable: hard to nail a time closer to 8 without going over consistently. So, I go upstairs, into the breakroom, grab a cup of coffee (of mediocre quality at best… dunno if the machine needs to be filled, or the coffee they’re using has “expired” or what, but yeah, not good), and then go sit by the window and write for 20, 30, 40 minutes. Most of it is just personal journaling, a sort of abridged morning pages, but I’ve found it immensely useful and meditative, a good way to start my day. In fact, I felt so good that I sat down this morning and punched out arguably my best cover letter to date, discussing a community manager position at Blizzard… which was promptly eaten by Outlook Webmail, and is gone, unrecoverable and sorely missed. I haven’t been able to recreate it, and get that flow going again. Very frustrating. I’ll give it another shot later, as there are FOUR positions listed at Blizzard that I’d be good at and would like to do, so it’d be foolish to give up because of that.

I went home this evening, and sat in my apartment, stuffy from the day’s heat, and decided I really really didn’t want to be there right now, so I grabbed my laptop, and went out for ice cream. I discovered that Ben&Jerry’s has a new flavor (or at least, it’s the first time I’ve seen it), which is a take on the chocolate chip cookie dough using gooey oatmeal cookies instead. Quite tasty. It was totally eating a good oatmeal cookie in ice cream form. Big thumbs up to that.

As I sat on a bench eating my ice cream cone, I realized that it was pretty symbolic of where my life is right now: doing what is generally considered a social activity (going for ice cream) alone. And that is likely where my life will be for the foreseeable future. I’ve met some people, such as those at work, that are good people, and are friendly, but I can’t seem to bring myself to pick up the damned phone and call and make the effort to hang out. It’s not that I don’t like them: far from it. I’m just not clicking in, and it’s purely on my side of things. When I’m in roles where I feel like I have to put on a “public” face, putting the energy into establishing and maintaining contact and communicating with people, I’ve found myself feeling like I’m constantly out of breath (regardless of how I’m actually breathing). I’ve had so few socially energizing experiences since coming out here (ie, moments where I can “let my hair down” so to speak and simply BE with someone without any sort of holding each other at arms length) that I feel like I’m running on fumes.

Which is sort of a tangent from the point: I had an overwhelmingly vivid image of me eating alone, watching socialization from the outside. I didn’t feel upset or happy about it, I simply accepted it. This is the way of things right now: I’m single, I’m solo, and until something changes and I click in somewhere with someone, that’s the way it’s going to be. I’ve been told by two different people that you never know when things will change, and you never know when someone is going to show up and click. This may be true, but for right now, I’d say I have a better chance at winning the lottery. Similar philosophy, too: if it happens, awesome, but I’m not holding my breath. (Not trying to be pessimistic or bitter, just aware of where I am and what’s going on around me.)

One thought on “Writing in the Evening

  1. I really enjoyed reading this post. I admire your acceptance of this point in your life, what is it, and how it affects you. I’m still learning to let go of the past and focus on the present moment.

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