So much to say. Tomorrow evening, I get on a plane and fly back to Vermont. I am looking forward to going home, but at the same time, I’m not sure what’s really going to change beyond the location. My physical state may change, but my mental state I am less sure of. Not that my mental state is all that bad given the circumstances, so much as it is still fixated on the divorce. I’ve tried accepting, I’ve tried letting things slide, but it remains there. It’s like a splinter that you can’t get out; you just have to wait until it leaves on its own.
I moved all my files off Mickey’s computer (which had been formerly mine; we upgraded her to it when we moved out to Seattle) today, then deleted the user account. In the process, I saw things I probably shouldn’t have, and really have no one to blame but myself for looking at. It’s like a train wreck: you know you’re not going to like what you see, but you can’t bring yourself to look away. It left me feeling in a sour funk, so I went up to Bellevue, and discovered that the coffee shop was closed. The owner happened to be there, and he let me hang out for a little while, even gave me a free drink, which was very cool of him. Uri called, and then swung by, and we went to lunch, followed by Episode III (which he had not yet seen, and I’d seen once). I wouldn’t call it the best of the series, but it was CERTAINLY the best of the prequels. By far.
After the movie, I had dinner with Mickey, and I talked to her about the stuff I found, and we managed to get back to a reasonably good spot, which is definitely a nice place to be when I’m leaving the following day. The details are irrelevant, and actually relatively harmless taken in context, but it left me questioning our interaction, and how much of what she had been saying was placation, and how much was reality. Suffice it to say, we’re still talking to each other and parting friends. I wouldn’t say “best” friends, but I hope things can continue to improve over time, and as our comfort grows and pain lessens.
The plan for tomorrow is to pack up the last of my things (shaving kit, toothbrush, stuff like that), drop off the car, and then go do one last coffee. Then I get dropped off, and wait around for my red eye flight back east. Should be jolly good fun: fly out around 10:30pm, arrive in DC (Dulles) shortly before 7am, get on my next plane a little after 8am, and get into Manchester around 9:45am. All in all, that’s less than a 9 hour trip, given the time zone difference, so that’s not too bad. I plan to sleep most of the day, do dinner with the folks, and then go out and see people Tuesday evening. (Yes, that’s a hint. I’ll have been gone for 3 weeks, you can put up with my sorry ass for an evening, eh?)
This used to be a much different post. I started writing it before having dinner with Mickey, and got up to about 3 pages of writing about the details of what happened. I deleted it all and wrote what you see. Sometimes it feels like a really good idea to get it all out there, for commiseration if not validation. Then you realize who you’d hurt in the process, and think better of it. At least, I hope you do.